W8ingPatiently

The complexity of me...

2006-08-18T13:48:00.000-04:00

Ya know...he (Moore) asked me last night: "Is there anyone who understands you?" (since I'm apparently a difficult creature~we had one of those heated discussions about how and why I get agitated by him, but oftentimes never tell him until after the fact). And the only person I could think of was you. He didn't really believe that anyone could. But, in my heart of hearts, besides Jesus Christ himself, I would have to say you are the only one who truly understands and appreciates every little bit. And I'm happy that it's like that. Thank you.

Forgot I had written this one earlier this year...And it still applies...

2006-08-18T03:37:00.001-04:00

Hazard Lights On...Watch Out!

Moving at the speed of light
At least, it seemed like that
The engine was on
Foot on the gas
Safety belt in place~preparing for the worst
Yeah, I was movin' alright
Movin' nowhere
Body might have been in motion
Mind shiftin' gears like crazy
Heart hanging from the rearview mirror
Just hangin', barely beating, for all to see
Eyes lookin' out the window
But confused as to why the scenery remained the same
Consistent inconsistencies?
My soul, the fuel to this being, runnin' low
Gauge on empty
Noticing folks I thought were along for the ride
Were just hitchhikers needing a hand to get to their own destination
And I, naive one, fell for it...hook, line, and sinker
All the time, I'd glance at the gauge
Recognizing I was entertaining everyone else
But not The One who keeps it all together
Feeling the urgency to finally pull over and examine it all
Put the hazards on...
Now, I sit in this vehicle alone
Engine off
While the Repairman goes to work...

Expect the Unexpected...

2006-02-20T05:04:00.000-05:00

What's the purpose of this blog? Good question. I haven't the slightest idea. But I'm just going to let it flow and allow my fingers to follow a groove on there own until my hands decide that they're tired and my mind has nothing else to give.

What's new with me? It always has to come back to relationships, or rather, the lack there of. Moore and I haven't talked in about a week and basically it's because I've gotten fed up with receiving less thanI deserve. He doesn't really know that's the reason; to him, I just had an attitude one day and he didn't feel like dealing with it; so I told him the choice is his to call me and I haven't called him since. But what really opened my eyes was by what my father told me the day after Valentine's day, or rather, what he asked me:

"So...you get any flowers or candy from a guy?" I respond, "No." He says, "So, Moore didn't send you anything at all?" And again, after pausing for a bit, I say, "Nope." And here's what got me, "So, you're telling me that you put so much effort into expressing your feelings to this guy through a heartfelt gift during Christmas, and he didn't have enough heart to send you not even a card on the day that all people know symbolizes a day of expressing how you feel about the ones you care about?" And I say, "No. He didn't send anything. But, he's probably upset with me about something. So I wasn't expecting anything from him." There I go with making excuses for the inexcusable.

He was absolutley right; I love my dad. And the more I communicate with Moore, well, I wouldn't even call it communication, it always ends up with some form of snide remarks or sarcasm given on his end at my expense, and I feel worse when I get off the phone with him than when I began. And I'm not feelin' that at all.

After having a discussion with my boss about it, she even comfirmed something by saying, "I don't know why I keep getting this message for you.....Why do we hold on to things when we know we need to let them go?" And then she asked me, "Do you feel that he's the one?" And I stuttered in my mind....if that's even possible, and said, "If you were to ask me that a couple of months ago, I would've told you, yes he's the one. But now, I'm beginning to see that he's no where near where I need him to be to even have the possibility of being considered him 'The Product.'

His potential was amazing. But now, he's not in school. He hasn't been going to church. He's basically stopped playing the piano, of which he would play consistently on a daily basis. He always has an attitude about something and his kindness is rarely shown verbally, and if so, it's very brief followed by something crazy said that voids out everything that was previously said. Enough is enough.

And it's bad when you sit there and have an hour talk to your dad about it. And I even talked to my brother who really surprised me. My mother called me today and said, "I don't know what you told your brother about that boy, but he's really ticked off and wants to go visit him over spring break and give him a piece of his mind. He's upset with you that you didn't even him the boy's telephone number so that he could call him and go off on him." And I'm thinking, wow, my brother really cares about me, and if everyone else sees an issue with Moore, it would only be stupid for me to continue to have that dream mentality in my head of something that is not even on my level at this moment.

Meanwhile, I've been talking to a guy on a regular basis on the telephone. I'll call him, Taylor. Well, I finally met him face-to-face on Saturday evening. He stopped to meet me on his way back to school from visiting home. So, my initial plan was to have him in a public place, just to prevent any awkward stuff, but I went ahead and brought him to my room. All was fine. We talked, watched a movie, watched the rest of a TV movie, and watched a bit of TV. So, it's about 1230ish and he gets up to drive about one more hour to his school. And we hug....then it was that awkward point where you notice that the person wants to kiss you, but then you don't want to lean in to make it seem like you're being forward. So, we ended up kissing and then his hands started roaming...to which I was like, "You gotta go, man." And eventually, after kissing a bit more, I got him out of my room. He said he was going to call me tonight, which he actually did. But, he didn't bring up anything from last night. I mean, if I had welcomed it, I clearly knew what he wanted. So, I was waiting to see if he was going to bring up what happened last night in tonight's conversation. But, he didn't.

Now, that puts me at the point where I always get...the dilemna of either telling him now that I abstain for sex, or wait until he gets deeper into this whole getting to know me thing and bring it up. Who knows, he might've liked the fact that I didn't drop my drawls for him, because he likes to be challenged. One of my good guy friends, Marques, tells me that I need to tell him asap to prevent any misunderstanding. Geez, and our conversations are good. They're really good. And he hasn't ever brought up the subject of sex or relationships for that matter, which is odd. But then again, that could all be a part of 'the game.' I don't know. I guess we shall see about that one.

We've definitely lived two different lives. I've been raised pretty darn well and blessed with many opportunities that others could only imagine. And I can see that he hasn't done too much, but yet is a very positive, go with the flow type of person. He's really cool, but that still doesn't make up for that fact that he basically wanted to jump my bones after first meeting me. But that could've also been a test too or then again, his true colors shining through.

Alright, enough with all this thinking too hard crap. I think my minds shutting down now and my fingers are getting slower and slower. I just wanted to take a moment to keep you updated about what's going on with me. And it's nice to see that you're doing well yourself. I like that positive outlook you've taken on now. It compliments you well. =) You're in my thoughts. I love you. G'nite...

Breaking the silence...

2005-12-27T23:29:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm mailing him this one.

Te Quiero y Te Echo De Menos …

It’s been a while
Although it’s only been about a month
It feels like a year’s passed
It’s true what they say
(At least for me, pertaining to you)
Absence makes the heart grow fonder

In the beginning
When I decided to separate myself from you
It was for me
My emotions were getting the best of me
Developing even deeper feelings
For an individual who was investing time
With other females who were becoming attached on all levels
It was weird for me
I began to feel how a ‘lover’ should feel
Not feeling like a friend who happens to be a girl
And I felt that wasn’t fair to me, to you, or to your “Shawties”
Detesting the idea of “A List”
’Cause I know I’m worth much more
Than a mental line or a category that you’ve created
That can be erased at any given moment
Just depending on how you happen to feel at the time
So, I unplugged the cord…….at least for that season

But as time passed
I used the time as a period for you
To give you time to clear your mind
Whether that happened…only God knows
He heard my prayers for you
As I awoke in the morning
And dozed off at night
Whether He answered them…that’s up to Him
For He truly knows what you need
I only ask that His will be done through you
And that you allow Him to use you

I have learned a lot during this time
But the greatest is the concept of grace
(As I remember us discussing once before)
It’s absolutely profound…not to be rationalized
And each time I think of it
Tears seem to well up in my eyes
The human mind is not even designed
To fully grasp the concept
But I do know, that I sure am thankful for it

You might not understand how someone can care for you and trust you
In spite of yourself
But again, it’s not meant to be understood
Just let your faith accept if for you
I’ve told you before that I’m thankful for you, but I’ll say it again anyway
Why?
Just because
And it’s true
As I write this while of sound mind, body, and spirit…I love you and I miss you.

Pillow Talk...

2005-12-22T05:40:00.000-05:00

So, it's late, and I realize that. Seeing that I'm a bit tired, but not wanting to really hit the sheets yet, I've decided to write a bit. So here it goes...

I miss him. I miss him a lot. It's true that "absence makes the heart grow fonder." And I've been recently finding myself counting down the days to simply send him a text that says, "Merry Christmas, Moore." I was a bit concerned about him not even thinking about me throughout this time of distance that I initiated. But, Jenee reassured me that he does atleast ask if I'm still alive and well, whenever he does briefly talk to her. So, that makes me feel a bit better.

Yes, I've gotten used to not talking to him now. And I know that whenever I do decide to call him (after the New Year, of course), things will be different. A month of my life, which has been incredibly interesting, will have passed, and I can only imagine what he's done during the time. Do I really want to know though?

I'm beginning to see how much I desire information, even it does bruise my heart. Would it be better to be oblivious to everything and just be plain ignorant, thinking that things are just absolutely fantastic, when in reality things are downright awful?

At one point in my life, I would've told you, "No, I wouldn't want to know anything." But, with time and with dealing with person after person, the optimist has dissipated and a realist has evolved. I have to keep it real, or else I get lost and my head gets all souped up over something that never was. And that's not fair to me.

So, stab me for all I care. Don't attempt to numb reality with nice words and gestures. Be real. 'Cause I've come to the point where I'm not wanting to sugarcoat anything. So why should anyone else for me?

There's this guy that asked me for my number through our 'wonderful friend,' Facebook. And I gave it to him, because I knew him from the past. So, he calls me for a couple of days (no phone call today though) and he tells me that he wants to know everything about me. And I'm thinking, "That's straight bull." I know where this is leading. And just as I thought, the question comes up of how sexually active I am, if at all, and if I'm one of those 'technical virgins.'

Now, to be quite honest, I was offended by this being asked. But, like I said, I expected it. And from talking to him, I began to realize that I'm not at a point where I want to talk to anyone. It's just too much. Especially when the person on the other end says he's just "kickin' it" for now and not looking for a relationship; he wants to be my friend. Not that "friend" crap again. I've heard that one before and clearly, for some people, being friends entails doing some non-friend-like things.

A wise person once told me, "Do not travel down the same road twice." And while she might have been referring to dealing with the same person again, I'm going to take a different spin on it. I'm going to relate it to traveling down the same scenario, even if it is with different person(s). So, really I'm not looking forward to that guy calling my again, or for that matter, any guy wanting to pursue a physical relationship prior to a true intellectual/emotional/spiritual relationship with me.

And it always points back to Moore. He is the only guy that I have had the intellectual/emotional/spiritual connection with, without one single ounce of physical stimulation. I understand him. And I honestly believe that he understands me, eventhough I can be confusing as hell sometimes. It'll have been four weeks, this upcoming Friday, since I've heard his voice. And I miss it. Damn! I'll even settle for his voicemail right now. But...I'll wait.

I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. And that's real talk. Enough of this sappy stuff. I'm calling it a night. Sweet dreams...

Would I Be Wrong?...

2005-11-28T15:24:00.000-05:00

Would I be wrong to think about myself for once?
To pick and choose when and with whom to occupy the time, on MY time
Not take a single moment to contemplate the other side
But live my life as if I determine whether I'm really happy...rely on me for once

Would I be wrong to not respond to you, when you choose to talk? To be: "That Bitch"
And tell you: Don't come to me when it's convenient for you
If you see me, keep walking
If you think of me, don't pick up the phone to tell me...I ain't got the time, nor energy

I don't do well with inconsistency
I'm finding myself feeling needy
Thinking about you; wondering if you're thinking about me
And that's not like me; so I'm choosing to finally be free

I'll let you be
You let me be
And if we cross paths some day
Maybe I'll say hey.....depending on how I'm feeling

But, would I be wrong to not acknowledge you?
To do you like you do me
Or do I follow the Golden Rule?
Then again, I've never been too fond of gold

Would I be wrong to resort back to The Wall?
Built meticulously.....brick by brick
Higher and higher with each occurrence
Not allowing anyone to get too close; my heart can only take so much!

Would I be wrong to resort to this new way of thinking?
ME, ME, ME
F*** you!
Man, that sure doesn't sound like me; but that's what you've done to me

If you don't speak to me at all
At least do me this one favor
Answer this, please:
Would I be wrong?

My bad, I'm forgetting......it's not about you anymore; it's about ME
Well, since that's the case
HELL NAH, I WOULDN'T BE WRONG!
What kinda stupid question is that?!!!

Picture Perfect...

2005-11-19T15:31:00.000-05:00

Does anyone really have it all figured out? I mean, you have relationship specialists, Dr. Phil wannabees, talk show after talk show, psychic hotlines, pastor, preachers, teachers, parents, friends, and the like all giving advice as if they know every freakin' thing. But in reality, if each individual were alone in a room, just by him/herself in complete silence, he/she too would be questioning what it's all about~'why they are living, and what they really want.' That's humanity....acting like we have it all figured out, but deep inside there's always as yearning for something more; just anything.

My life........oh, my life has been so predictable. I've become comfortable with being uncomfortable because I'm so used to it. It makes sense in my head anyway. It's like I'm at the point where I know what's going to happen before it even does~that is being able to judge what others are going to do before they even do it, just based off history of what they did before. And it really kind of stinks to know in the back of your mind that when people tell you one thing, you're really thinking, "Yeah right. I'll believe it when I see it." I'm dismissing folks and I'm not really feeling bad about it, but then again, I dismiss then invite them back in in hopes that it will be different. Funny, ain't it? Enough is enough. It comes a point when people are going to have to be on my time. I'm not dwelling on this earth to be a convience to an inconveniency. My purpose encompasses much more.

The more time I spend dealing with patients in the hospital, the greater feeling I get. I can't really explain it. But, I can look into a patient's eyes and know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. This past week I had a deaf/mute patient in an immoble state, and tubes coming from almost every crevice of her body. And the only way of communication, which was minimal, was through her eyes. The eyes are truly a window to the soul because I could feel her soul. I could feel what she wanted to sign through her hands.

She looked at me as if to say, "I never thought I'd be in this state. And now, I've been in this hospital bed for almost two months as a result of a five second accident. Just like that, and now I'm here with you hovering over me. I went from being able to care for myself to having a new nurse every day with her hands all over my body. I used to have a phobia about people touching me; now, I have no choice, do I? I can tell when people come in the room, they dismiss me and think I should just be admitted to a nursing home to await my death. They don't have the faith. And I'm finding that although it's taking a long time for me to even be able to move a leg, or open my mouth, I'm going to be just fine. Because, it's in my nature to press on..."

When it was time for to leave her, on day two, I took her hand and said that it was my time to leave. Her whole face demeanor changed as if to say she didn't want me to go. She then paused and her body started shaking a bit as if she was attempting to raise her body from the bed. I really don't know what she was trying to do, but she was trying to raise herself up.....I like to think that she was illustrating that she's going to get there eventually~to the point of being able to ambulate~just with faith and time. I stroked her arm and signed, "See ya later." And she grinned a bit. As I left I glimpsed back and her head had returned on her right side, with her eyes staring into space. And I left that room, praying that she will make it through this trial in her life. I have faith that she'll be just fine. I see it in her.

One can't help to feel guilty about being upset about petty things when dealing with a patient who is in a far worse condition. Whether she realizes it or not, she was a blessing to me. How ironic, eh? But, she taught me a lot about myself, about my heart, and about my mindset. I was a bit apprehensive about having a patient like her, just based off the extensive care she needed, but it was an absolutely incredible experience.

I may not know everything. Nor, do I want to know everything. But, I do know something. It's about time for me to just let it be. Stop trying to force something that isn't. Stop trying to pick up the brush and paint the picture. I need to be the paint and just allow my Father to pick up His glorious brush and use me in the canvas of life. It's not about the picture I want to see, it's about the picture He has already set in order to be that impact on someone else. With simple obedience~then and only then, His glory can and truly will be revealed.

How I'm feeling...

2005-10-28T02:33:00.000-04:00

I Ain't Gotta Have a Reason 2 Feel How I Feel.

Sometimes I wanna cuss u out
No reason
Just do
Tired of tha same 'ole crap
Expectin' somethin'
But gettin' nothin'
Settin' myself up 4 disappointment
Expectations will getcha' everytime
Redundancy
In yo' words
Sayin' bogus junk; when u choose 2 talk
REDUNDANCY
In yo' actions
Livin' trife; like a dog in heat
re-dun-dan-cy
Talkin' in circles
U expect a person 2 follow dat?
Makin' my head hurt
Don't make no sense 2 nobody, but yo'self
U betta go on wit dat
Your sarcasm isn't needed at this time, thank you
Save dat 4 some otha' chick
Cuz I ain't tha one
(I am not a fool
Yet, I feel like one
No, that's nonsense
But only a fool would get caught up with fools, right?
Ugh........upset with myself
Knowing well, that I have far more productive things to do
Than sitting around, allowing you to consume my thoughts)
U gotta lot of growin' up 2 do!!!
Yeah I'm talkin' 2 u!
What's wrong, man?
Why u neva wanna talk about it?
Dang, I cain't even get a text from yo' butt!
What's up wit dat?
Excuse me...Why u laughin'?
It ain't funny!
And u keep gigglin' & askin' me what's MY problem???
Why am I silent, u ask?
Cuz I'm done talkin'
If u know me, like u say u do
You'd figure it out, Mr. Smarty
My words wouldn't be needed
Cuz my silence can speak 4 itself
If you'd just STOP.....
Hault in your tracks 4 one second
Acknowledge my presence
Genuinely ask me how I feel
Don't cut me with your words;
Talk 2 me with sincerity
That's all I ask
Care about me, like I care about u
PLEASE!
Or is that too much 4 me 2 ask of u???

The passing of time...

2005-10-24T15:55:00.000-04:00

I actually have a moment. It's like I'm sitting here trying to find something to say. I mean it has been a long time...a little over a month since I've written. And a lot has happened during this time. I've learned a lot about myself and others. I've cried a lot, prayed a lot and pondered. And I'm still pondering. About what, I can't really express in words. I find myself just sitting with that blah feeling; not feeling depressed or anything, but just thinking about nothing. Like it's kind of like I'm at the point of just letting things go and stop stressing over things I have no control over. What's the point to be stressed? Life's too short to be caught up over the small things (although they might seem big at the moment, in the future, they'll seem so insignificant). So, my mentality is slowly changing; yes, slowly. God's already figured it out; just let it be.

To be quite honest, I'm kind of sleepy right now and because I can't seem to find the adequate words to say, I'm thinking that a nap sounds really good right now. Maybe, I'll try later. We'll see. Sweet dreams...

Love and Marriage...

2005-09-22T15:42:00.000-04:00

I most definitely have never had a conversation, with a person I'm interested in, about marriage, until tonight...Moore and I have been talking more and more lately. And when we talk, we talk for at least an hour or two. He actually keeps me on the phone and makes me "keep talking" until he's sleepy.

Tonight, we talked about the future and our thoughts about having each other 'hypothetically' together in it. It was kind of odd talking about something that practically always crosses my mind. Apparently, I'm not the only one that's thought about us being married. And it just really caught me off guard that he was the one bringing up the conversation and wanting me to ask him questions. He's becoming more comfortable with talking about everything and not holding stuff in. I don't know what it is that's happening, but it's refreshing.

He's sleeping right now, and as always, I pray that he's well. I pray for clarity and understanding for both of us. I pray for focus. But most importantly, I pray a prayer of thanksgiving for God allowing me the opportunity to feel sincere love for someone and not feel one ounce of insecurity about doing so.

I love him. And although we haven't discussed that one yet, I have a strong feeling that it's already crossed his mind and that there's just a matter of time until that conversation will come up. For once, I feel like there's a guy on my wavelength and God only knows how good it is to have that guy be first and foremost one of my bestfriends. Friendship is the foundation; anything else is just icing on the cake. I'm finally beginning to understand...

Deja Vu...

2005-09-05T17:03:00.000-04:00

I'm finding myself in the same place all over again. My heart......my head. I can't take this. I really can't.

I just took D home about an hour ago from spending the night with me last night. Let's just say things got heated. It almost happened, but again, I stopped it. And the weird thing is, he said, "(my name), I'm in love with you." And I said, "Are you serious?!!!" And he gave me that look like, "Girl, yes!" And I just layed there thinking. Was he just trying to get in, or was he serious?

And the majority of the time while we were messing around, I was thinking of everyone but him. I thought about you, Moore, Jenee, Jesus. I mean, I thought about every single person that has impacted my belief system up unto this point. We kissed....but then again, most of the time it wasn't that same 'butterfly' feeling. And the reason is, because I've begun to really realize that he can't 'just kiss.' And that bugs me. But, I can't tell him for some reason. I can't even build up the courage to ask him what does he want from me, because I still think that he still doesn't really know and that I'll end up in the same situation that I was in before with him. I'm always wondering what he's thinking. I'm always catching him staring at me as I stare at him (seeming like the both of us are trying to figure the other one out). I just don't know.

Then, I pull up in his driveway and one of his roommates is outside. Now, normally D would probably try to kiss me or something, but there was nothing. It was more like, "I'll call you later on." And then he closed the door. I don't know if he's trying to gauge my feelings towards him or what. And I don't know if he's trying to make up for his lack of mental stimulation with me by providing a surplus of physical stimulation. But, I found myself being more so relieved when I left him.

Then I called W (I know. I know.), because he had sent me a text a couple of days ago apologizing for not talking to me for two weeks because there were a lot of things on his mind. We talked for a moment, then he told me he'd call me later. And the entire time I talked to him, I just wanted to say, "Sorry." I'm sorry for that first conversation I had with him that night in April. I'm sorry for becoming attached to his voice and his sincere words. I'm sorry for loving his consistency and becoming upset when he lacks consistency. I'm sorry for not laying everything out there before he started laying everything out there to me and expressing his feelings. I'm sorry for caring. And I'm really sorry for feeling like this right now.

I apologize for the fact that you have to read this. I apologize for not living up to the standards that I set for others. I apologize for sounding like a typical female. I apologize....not only to you, but to God too. Something's going on. And it's getting old. I'm definitely failing this lesson. And He's going to continue to throw it my way until I get it. What must happen for me to get it? I can only imagine...

What time is it?...

2005-08-22T00:02:00.000-04:00

Sittin' hear, vibin' to Anthony Hamilton. I'm in the mood to write. About what...I don't know. But, I know the words will come if I just type.

So, tomorrow is the day; the beginning of another academic year. As much as I keep telling people that I'm not ready for it to start, I'm excited in some sense to learn; I feel like expanding myself and yearn for the moment when that light bulb goes off in my head and everything will all of a sudden make sense. This metaphor not only applies with textbook knowledge, but also the book of my life. Each day, I hope that I am taking one step closer to finding the reason for it all and cringe at the thought that instead I'm taking two steps backwards and am so far from the mark.

I'm just feeling so...hmmmmm....I'm trying to dig deep here, but nothing is budging. I have this feeling in my heart. And it's one of those unexplainable feelings. It's the type where it takes a comment from a person in order for me to be able to tap into this feeling; to be able to just talk for hours about life. And I want to have a conversation with someone that I'm not used to talking to, for it to mean that much more. I want to be caught off guard-not expecting anything and just be in a state of awe at the revelation that has been conveyed to me. I want something different.

I'm tired of that same feeling that keeps creeping into my consciousness~the feeling of inadequacy. I consider myself a person with confidence, but people would be lying if they said that they always have a high self-esteem. A person has to have some sense of inadequacy in order to make it in this world. The root of determination has some connection with the fear of being inadequate in the fact that the current situation just isn't quite good enough.

But anyway, I'm already realizing that this year I'm really going to have to not let my environment influence my feeling of self worth. I have to surround myself with positivity and distance myself from people that will just put me in a state of funk (neither my mind, body, spirit, nor grades can carry that burden this year). I've been there, done that, and can't afford to take that route again.
...........
So, I just took a break and went to the store next door to get some groceries. I feel a little bit better now. I saw one of my homosexual friends who's a student staff member too. He transferred to another building this year that is more conservative than the building he worked in last year. So, he says to me, "How do you think they'll (the residents) take it once they find out that I'm a faggot?" And he asks this jokingly, but still it kind of offended me that he referred to himself in such a way. And then it made me feel bad that a person would have to worry about sharing a part of him to others in hopes that they won't reject him. Again, the feeling of inadequacy, and the worry that the way you are isn't good enough to someone else. That feeling is absolutely horrible.

I went to D's house last night. Yes, I said last night. And again, we just talked and chilled for a bit. No physical stuff happened, but man, the temptation is there. I still can't read him completely, but then again, that's something that intrigues me about him. As Eugene told me, "You like those bad boys." And the weird thing is, I am attracted to "bad boys" to some extent. But yet, I know that's not what I need. After I left D's place, I went over the folks' place (Jenee, Eugene, Miles, & Mari). Miles and I went to some neighbor's house party down the street. We clearly didn't know anyone, but we had a good time in the garage playing 'flip cup' (a drinking game). It was a really fun night and Miles and I were pretty gone by the time we got back to his place (well, the party kind of dispersed when the police arrived, so we ran behind the houses to jump his deck and escaped successfully). I have never seen Miles like that; we joked around and laughed the whole night. That was definitely what I needed before classes start.

That's about everything. I ended up texting W last night and he called me immediately after he got the text. I was definitely talking crazy and he knew I was under the influence. I'm going to have to call him back and apologize for whatever I might have said. I have a slight feeling; well, I know that I'm playing with fire when I talk to W one minute, and then talk to D the next. And I can't imagine what's going to happen when W comes in about a month and how awkward I'm going to feel if I find myself in the same room with the two of them. I won't jump ahead though. Things can change just like that. There's no need to rush.

So, here's to a great year. Here's to the laughs, the tears, the struggles, and the achievements. Here's to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Here's to you and your dreams. Here's to us. It's our time.

It's so hard to say good-bye...

2005-08-15T04:26:00.000-04:00

So, I just got off the phone with Joseph not too long ago. And it was nothing like the conversations we've had in the past. There was a lot of silence and tears on my end.

We started off talking like old times, and suddenly he tells me that he's transferred from the University. And I'm thinking that he's kidding, but clearly he's not. Apparently last Friday, football pushed him over the edge. It was apparent to him that he was not going to be playing 1st string yet again this year by the way practices had been running. And because other schools had still been contacting him to recruit him, he decided to go ahead and accept an offer from Kentucky. He cleared his locker, all his belongings from his place, and made his way back home to St. Louis. Tomorrow morning, he drives to Kentucky to begin a new chapter.

Jenee asked me why I cried: "Was it because you thought about the opportunity of you two ever getting together is over?" I thought about it, but that's not the reason. It's the fact that I didn't get the chance to give him a proper good-bye before he left. He called me on Friday when I was busy with work stuff, so I couldn't answer the phone. But, he didn't leave me a message. I asked him today why didn't he leave me a message and he stated that he didn't want to say good-bye to me via voicemail, but wanted to see me in person, but I didn't answer, so he decided that he'd just tell me later. I guess it was easier for him to do it that way. I went ahead and told him that my heart hurt after hearing that he'd transferred and that I was crying. He said that he had cried too before he left because that was the last thing he had wanted~to have to leave a place he had become so accustomed to. But, he knew that his dreams would never have the opportunity to come true if he had stayed. And I can't be mad at him at all for that.

I told him that as a long as he's happy, I am happy. I told him that he knows what he has to do when he gets there and that he needs to make sure to keep his focus. I told him to keep in touch. And I told him good-bye. I mean, I know we'll still talk to each other, but I also know that with change comes change (if that makes any sense at all). There are very few people in my life where when change occurred, our relationships stayed the same (constant contact). There are many that I don't know a single thing that happened to them since the day they graduated from highschool. And there is only one that I know of that change actually made our relationship stronger (you know who you are).

I can only hope that Joseph will succeed. He's already excited: "I have the same feeling now that I had when I was recruited from highschool. I'm ready!" And it's refreshing to hear him sound so energetic and enthusiastic after sensing his confidence decreasing each year because he wasn't being played the way he was expecting. Although my heart is saddened, I'm excited for him and I pray that God gives him the desires of his heart. May he find his place in Kentucky.

And yet, another disappears from the story of my life. What does the next chapter hold for me?

Be Wise...

2005-08-15T01:39:00.000-04:00

First of all, you have nothing to worry about. I did not go to D's place tonight. He didn't even call me, so that's that. I really didn't feel like going anyway because of the rain, and quite frankly I didn't feel like being uncomfortable in an apartment full of guys. So, I'm not upset one bit. I'm actually relieved to some extent. By the way, thanks for the text; it's nice to know that you care.

My mother sent me an email the other day basically going off on me, but in a motherly concerned tone. She essentially said that when I don't think things through and just wait to the last minute to make decisions and live so nonchalantly, I am ultimately cheating myself. I need to think and plan ahead. Although she included an example of an incident that seemed minor, I understood that she had a deeper meaning to her message and I appreciated her words. She ended with this: "BE WISE!, as the person I know God has blessed you to be. You're cheating yourself." And I just sat there in thought.

J called me today after I had left her a message earlier. I hadn't talked to her in a really long time (about a three weeks). I would call and get no response back and was wondering what was going on and if I had possibly done something to cause her to be so distant. She told me that she's been going through a lot of stuff; family members keep ending up in the hospital, summer school didn't go all that well for her, relationships aren't filling the void that she continously has, and overall she just feels that God is mad at her and keeps throwing a bunch of crap in her face. "I just don't know what to do anymore," is her basic feeling. And it's so hard to tell a person something that they already know they need to be doing. She knows that she needs to praise God in spite of. She knows that she needs to have the faith that God has not forsaken her. She knows that everything happens for a reason. She knows that she will be blessed if she just perseveres through the storm. She knows, yet she continues to be in a constant funk. It's been like this for years for her and I've experienced a couple of them with her.

I explained to her that Lee and I had a discussion about how we know what we want but continue to settle for less and how we always end up in the predicament of wondering if we will ever meet Mr. Right or have the fairytale lifestyle that we dream of. Just as God keeps testing us to see if we'll finally wake up and only accept what we know is acceptable, He'll continue to test J's faith and obedience to continuously praise Him spite of before He progresses to the next stage. He can't give us steak and potatoes until He gets us past the baby food. But, we determine our growth through our actions.

I still haven't had the opportunity to talk to Moore. And the funny thing is, as it happened before, the more I don't talk to him the more the feeling (well, I'll say the heart fluttering) begins to decrease. Yesterday I was sitting at dinner with my staff, and I was sitting by a staff member who used to be a resident last year on the same floor as Moore and she mentioned his name and based off my response to what she said, she could tell that I had more than 'just friends' feelings for him. And she made the statement that she could tell that Moore had a crush on me too. So, I'm sitting there and I can tell that my boss was interested in the story behind Moore, so I went ahead and told it. And I got their sympathy and began to feel a bit sorry for myself. But, the feeling passed, until right now as I write this. (Sigh) I don't think that's something that goes away though. It's not supposed to. It makes you who you are and gives you hope that you'll feel that feeling again. I really caught myself when I stated to Lee that it hurts to be in love with someone because in all honestly I never felt about anyone the way I felt/feel about Moore. I know the feeling of infatuation, but by no means was that the feeling with him. It was pure satisfaction in knowing that I accepted everything about him; the things that absolutely frustrated me and the things that made my heart overjoyed. He was everything and made me want to be my absolute best. And that's something that just doesn't end. And as the tears well up in my eyes, it's not soley out of sadness, but rather an appreciation that I've been blessed to have the opportunity to feel such a way about someone.

So, school begins in a week and I know this year will be whatever I make it to be. It's my choice and my actions will dictate the outcome. Man, free will can be frustrating sometimes. But God never promised this journey to be easy. I know what I must do. Now, it's just about doing it. It's not only time to make my mama proud, but to give myself the type of respect and courtesy that I know I deserve. It's time to stop being my own worst enemy.

To him...

2005-08-02T02:29:00.000-04:00

So, I wrote this for him after he sent me an email a while back (of course I'm not giving it to him)...just my emotions at the time, that for some reason, even after a few months, are continuing to flood my insides again. Will this ever end???

To whom it may concern:

It's pure torture thinking about you
Wondering what could've been
Can friends truly be lovers?
If I had only opened up
There would be no doubt
Yay or nay
And I would know
The chapter would be closed
But, no matter how hard I try to move on
You enter my mind when I'm trying to keep focused
The book, refusing to close
Just sits there
Untouched, due to fear
All was fine 'til you broke the trend of non-communication between us
Through written language, of course
Acknowledging my feelings, but still remaining silent about yours
Maybe I did read correctly at that time
You entered my life for the season I needed you
Then you went away
Forcing me to figure some things out
To end the indecisiveness
Find out what I want and don't want
A lesson I needed to learn, in spite of the pain
And now, I surrender......
You're the standard
Following Paul's example; imitating the walk of Christ
Potentials vs. The Product
No one compares
You win everytime
"Flawless Victory," as in Mortal Kombat
Why must I be the victim in this battle of emotions?
But, the story can't just end like this
My spirit won't let it die
There's more to come
Another chapter to begin
Another tear to shed
Another note to write
Until then...
Sincerely,
Yours (or at least I'd like to think that)

Anyone at the door?

2005-07-26T16:08:00.000-04:00

So you want to hear from me, eh? Well, here goes nothing.

A few days ago, I actually got on here and wrote a blog. It was a brief one, and I wrote a poem on the spot, got to the end, and the computer shuts down...everything disappears just like that. And I, frustrated at the fact that I had spent the last hour in vain, got up from my chair, walked to my room, and went to bed. And I'm thinking to myself now, how this is a perfect analogy to many people's lives. We invest so much in something or someone, and all of a sudden things just fall apart, leaving us sitting there dumb-founded because we weren't expecting that one.

So, last week I receive this text message from a number that I don't recognize. It said: "A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man must be seeking the Lord to find it." And it was so weird to receive such a message at the time I got it, because it was much needed. After I did a little texting, I found out who the person was who had sent it to me (a person I haven't talked to in a long time) and I knew that I had received that for a reason. It's about time to get back to 'The Source.'

I think it was after receiving that message that my attitude about my current status started agitating me; in all honesty I had fallen victim of just accepting whatever came my way, instead of doing some serious screening to ensure that I only get the cream of the crop. And I'm tired of doing that.

I talked to J yesterday for the longest about her predicament with her having strong feelings for a guy from the past and 'talking' to a guy who she and I both know is only temporary because he doesn't fulfill her standards; he's just convenient. And we dissected the situation and she knew what she needed to do (cut him off). So she calls me about 1/2 hour ago and tells me she talked to him last night, and as I expected, he's pretty pissed off and basically said, "You're in love with that other guy. Whatever. (click)" And I feel bad for him, but I also feel bad for girls like J because I can relate to her.

I also talked to Joseph yesterday (an athlete from the past). And we talked for over an hour. That was absolutely shocking. And he was cool. We talked about old times and laughed like two old people talking about their childhoods. And he was like, "You know we're getting married. We would be together right now, but I know I'm not where I need to be in order to be with you. I'm giving you your space to be successful and do what you need to do before coming at you any kind of way. When you're established and I'm at that point, that's when the timing will be rignt and we'll be able to be together." And I thought about that. I wasn't even upset by what he said, because he was coming at me honestly. And I respect him for that. Eventhough I don't see us ever getting married, it's nice to know that someone thinks of you in that way with some type of goal.

I did tell him that he needed to take me out on a proper date this year and has to initiate everything. He has to plan and execute. And he tells me that he has never been on a 'date' and doesn't know how to go about doing that, to which I respond that we'll learn together. And he agreed to it (eventhough he still has to follow through before I'm really impressed). But the whole thing is that there is beauty in two people who are willing to learn together. That's what a relationship should be about. So, he's going to church on Sunday (at least that's what he says) and so am I. We're supposed to share the sermon messages that we heard via telephone. And if that actually happens, man, I'd be absolutely amazed.

W is fine I suppose. I still haven't really talked to him, but I did tell J that I've cut him off, eventhough he doesn't know it. She has talked to him and has asked him when was the last time he had talked to me and he told her that he hasn't had the time to do so, which shocked J. So, that in itself lets me know that clearly, he's not even worth my time. But, I knew that already.

It's time to wake up and smell the coffee and realize that I'm not asking for the impossible. I'm asking for what is due. And I'm just fine with waiting for the proper package to show up on my doorstep.

Just another day...

2005-07-15T19:09:00.000-04:00

It's been a while. But it's time to write again. The dream world is long gone, and now it's time for reality. Time to write every feeling that's within; it's so much easier to write on here rather than writing in a journal because there's always that fear that someone will pick up the journal and read it. On here, I find it easier to just write and not have to worry about censuring my emotions. I just write what I feel, press 'Publish,' then walk away.

I haven't written since I've been back because I couldn't figure out what exactly I wanted to write. Of course, I could write about how much I learned while across the ocean and the wonderful experience I had. But, that would be typical; I'll probably post some journal entries eventually of the most 'inspirational' entries I wrote while away; but not today. Today, I'll write about the 'typical' guy issues, like before. Some things never change...

Yesterday, I talked to Moore on the phone for an hour (like always, time just flies by when talking to him; and we talk the entire time which always amazes me). We talked, laughed, and joked around just like old times. And I was satisfied with every second I spent talking to him. I know it sucks, but I miss him. And the more he talks about other females and how he feels about them, the more I wish I knew if he ever felt anything for me and if there is even a chance for us to develop something in the future. Yeah, it stinks to be holding on to something when clearly it's not even on the mind of the other person. And still, I can't bring up the subject to him.

And what's going on with W? Well, we've talked on the phone everyday since I've been back. We still haven't had a long conversation; either someone calls and one of us has to get off the phone or it's so late that one of us is too tired. But when we do talk, it just seems so.....empty. It's like, I know he's attracted to me on some level, and he knows I feel the same about him. But, we continue to sit there. Yesterday, he actually talked on the phone to my mother a bit (she was standing next to me and he told me to give her the phone). He just spoke and asked how her day was and that was it. But still, I felt a little weird. Especially when my father has been drilling me up and down about him. And he made the most stereotypical comment but it turned out to be true when asking about W. This is what makes me even more apprehensive. And I told W that my dad has been asking about him, and it doesn't even seem to phase W one bit.

I'm just waiting. Waiting to see what this upcoming year holds; it's the same each year. I always say, "This year is going to be different and I'm going to experience a lot-there's going to be a lot of growing/learning." And in some aspects I do learn a lot, but in others I feel the exact same way afterwards as I did before~confused.

So yeah. That's all that is really going on him my head right now. I'm sure I'll have more to write about in a few days after I come back from a short trip with my dad; nice father/daughter bonding time. We shall see what the road conversation will consist of and how much he'll make me squirm with his inqusitive remarks. Gotta love him.

Until next time...

Y el viaje continua...

2005-06-06T09:28:00.000-04:00

Lo siento, pero no puedo escribir mucho ahora.
Gracias para tus oraciónes. Sabes quién eres. No necesito decir nada más.
¡Chao y Dios te bendiga!

Short and sweet...

2005-05-25T01:50:00.000-04:00

So, I decided not to write a letter. I just wasn't feeling it. And maybe it has to do with me knowing that the time is going to come when I have to let everything out verbally; no more of the writing to get my feelings across.

Maybe I'll become enlightened while I'm away and develop a totally new perspective about life; maybe not. But right now, I'm actually doing fine. I don't feel like I have any baggage holding me down. I feel free and ready for whatever God has in store.

So, I'll end this like this. No good-byes. No sadness. No tears. Just a smile, a wink, and a nod that everything is going to be alright. I'm walking with my head held high; ain't no looking back. Let the journey begin...

I think there's something more, life's worth living for
Who knows what could happen.
Do what you do, just keep on laughing
One thing's true, there's always a brand new day
I'm gonna live today like it's my last day ~Avril Lavigne

No such thing as Never Never Land...

2005-05-23T14:47:00.000-04:00

It's about time to write up another one of these. What's going on with me? Well, pretty much nothing. Just getting ready to leave the good 'ole U.S.A. for a bit. I feel like I have so much to do, but so little time. And the closer I get to the date of departure, the more nervous I get.

In one aspect, I'm ready to go, but in another aspect, I want to stay. As always, I don't like not knowing what to expect. So, I'm going into this blindly. That freaks the heck out of me.

I was intending on taking some books to read and some of my CDs, but was told by my father that I don't need to take those; I should be fully submerging myself into the culture and language. So, I'm taking nothing pertaining to the English language. The only English I will be using is for my journals. This ain't no joke!!!

What else???

Well, I've talked to W less and less for the past couple of days. And that's weird seeing that phone calls are free on weekends. Last night I had called him up because he didn't call me back like I told him to, he answered, apologized for not calling me back; we talked for about all of two minutes, and his phone acted up and hung up. I called him back (phone still acting up), no response. He called me two hours later and left a message:

"What's up Ms. (my name)? You know who this is. My phone is actin' crazy all over again. So...I just thought I'd leave you this voicemail, let you know I didn't forget your phone call, or whatever. Hey, I gotta get back on my P's & Q's anyway; I feel like I'm losing cool points, you know what I'm sayin'? Just cuz I ain't talked to you enough on the phone. So...when you get time, holla at yo' boy."

And have I called him back yet? Nah sir. Why? I don't know. What's the point, really? It's just going to make me feel helpless and hopeless; knowing that I want to see him, but can't. And I probably won't really have the opportunity to do so when I do return; that's if everything is the same, which I have a slight feeling that it won't. I know I'll call him later though and sit there in silence. You know what the silence is? You probably do. It's all fear. Yep, fear.....The one thing that has always seemed to have somewhat of a strong hold on my life.

Well, I must get to packing or something. I wish you could be there with me in that foreign land. But then again, I know it's about time for me to do something on my own for once. Too bad that I can't be like Peter Pan and live in a dream world where everything is pure bliss. I'm finally forced to deal with reality; it's time to grow up.

(NEVER NEVER LAND LYRICS)
I have a place where dreams are born,
And time is never planned.
It's not on any chart,
You must find it with your heart.
Never Never Land.

It might be miles beyond the moon,
Or right there where you stand.
Just keep an open mind,
And then suddenly you'll find
Never Never Land.

You'll have a treasure if you stay there,
More precious far than gold.
For once you have found your way there,
You can never, never grow old.

And that's my home where dreams are born,
And time is never planned.
Just think of lovely things.
And your heart will fly on wings,
Forever in Never Never Land.

Poem #2...

2005-05-17T18:34:00.000-04:00

"What up, luv?"

'Ole boy got my mind a racin'
Spittin' a new type of slang
Dat ooey gooey stuff
Hormones outta control
He doin' it to me
And he prolly don't know
Talkin' wit dat country twang
Tellin' me all da thangs I wanna hear
A southern gentleman
Wit a touch o' hood, a dash o' heart, a heap o' soul
Somethin' so simple as his voice gets me goin'
Havin' me thinkin' to myself
Gotta big 'ole Kool-aid grin on my face
Wantin' to know his flava
Got me doin' thangs I wouldn't normally do
Putting words on paper to describe my feelings?
R u forreal?
"Just write what you feel"
Easier said than done, of course
Searching for adequate words to fill the blank space
..........................................................................................
Words cain't do justice to dis feelin'
I think of him and my being yearns for more
I hear dat phone ring; my heart does a back flip
Dat voice...OOO WEE!!!
Those three words.....(sigh)
Sweat comes and goes
For those deemed as 'temporary'
So easy to evaporate or simply wipe away
But that internal feelin' he gives me
Dat's what's up!
And he hasn't even touched me
Got me speakin' in another tongue
Wee, wee, wee!
Man, he killin' me!
And I'm lovin' it

Forget a picture. I want the real thing...

2005-05-16T03:23:00.000-04:00

It's nice to finally be out of that college town. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel free. I sit at this screen, at my cousin's computer in a big pajama t-shirt trying to contemplate where exactly I am taking this. We shall see what comes out.

First and foremost, I teared up today around 10:00 when thinking about you taking that dip into the water. I was so happy and continue to be happy for you. I hope your day was beautiful and look forward to your call to tell me all about it. Congratulations!!!

I'm getting my hair braided tomorrow. I really am not not looking forward to sitting on a hard floor for many hours just to have my butt hurting, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do in order to have her stuff looking right. So, I must endure.

J is really enjoying down there in Mississippi. The girl is on Cloud 9, and I don't blame her. Her new man must be doing it right, because all I can hear is sheer happiness in her voice. It's nice to hear her in a good mood. She's also been telling me about the folks down there. It seems like a really genuine/laid back atmosphere; not what I'm really used to, but something I'd like to get to experience. Maybe one day.

She talked to W yesterday about me. He made a comment to her that really made me think. She basically said that he mentioned that I've been talking to him differently ever since I saw his picture, which disappointed him because he would hate to know that I'd prefer a man who looks good, but treats me like crap, over a man who might not be the 'pretty boy,' but treats me like a queen. He also told her that he thinks he's found his match (me).

Now, regarding his first statement, I don't consider myself to be that type of female who looks soley on looks. I don't, because clearly there have been guys that other females would swear up and down as being drop dead ugly, but I'd be attracted to them on a totally different level. So, I'm hoping that W is not thinking that that's what I'm about. But, for him to say that he thinks he's found his match?......I'm actually intrigued by that comment.

He told me yesterday that even if he doesn't see a picture of me, my voice is enough for him. Today, he told me that he's been having dreams with simply my voice being heard in a soft whisper. It's so.....soothing that my voice is enough and that he's not like other guys who will sit there and scope you up and down before trying to get to know you. He's different, and I like it.

On a side note...J saw that so called tall 'pretty boy.' She told me to lose the number because that boy is no where near pretty and on top of that, he has a girlfriend. How funny is that?! And when I heard that, I said, "Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!" Needless to say, I 'lost' that number from my phone.

Okay, now...I thank you for reading this because clearly I'm rambling, but I'm typing what's going on in my head.

I'm trying to figure out why I can't seem to think of something to say to him on the phone. We talk a bit, then it's silent. And we'll talk to each other about two or three times a day. And it'll be the same each time. And my thing is, I wonder what other people talk so much about. I mean, I've never been a phone person, but I'm beginning to realize that I'm going to have to be if I'm wanting to talk to him.

Oh yeah!!! So, he called me on the phone yesterday and D was in the car with him. D tells him to tell me hello and asks me a stupid question to which I tell W to let me speak to D. Yesterday was the first time I've spoken to D since about a month ago. And we talked as if nothing had ever happened. It was weird, in an eery kind of way, because you know that if two guys get together and if one has seen me and the other one hasn't, the question is going to come up about how I look and my concern is what D told him. I wonder if D has talked to him about me. If so, W sure isn't saying anything about it.

But, in all honesty, I'm glad about what happened between D and me. Because, W would not even be in the picture if we hadn't interacted. And I wouldn't be feeling blessed as I am right now.

I really want to see him. I want to experience his hug. This sounds strange, but he sounds like he gives good hugs-where you just sink into his arms and feel safe. I want to intertwine my fingers with his and just lay there in silence; being totally comfortable just being in his presence. I want to feel him. I want to hold him. I want to kiss him slowly and enjoy every second. But most of all, I want to be able to tell him how I feel. I want to open up to him and feel safe in knowing that the door won't be slammed in my face. I want...him.

Is this a never ending cycle-this emotional roller coaster? It's like a guy comes into the picture, and your hormones go absolutely crazy. And you tell yourself you won't allow yourself to feel that way for a while after things go wrong, but then somone else comes into the picture and you swear that the way he makes you feel is by far more incredible than what you've ever felt before. I just don't know.

I'm thinking too much; I think another poem is coming. Hmmmmm...

As always, I'll keep you updated...

Gotta love a fairytale...

2005-05-11T14:13:00.000-04:00

So, I was talking on the phone last night to W. And it's still kind of weird talking to him because it seems like we don't have too much to talk about, yet we're trying to get there. He began to tell me that there is something that he wants to tell me that might upset me. He proceeded to say, "I feel that no one will ever understand me."

Now, the thing is, I couldn't figure out why he would think that would ever make me upset. Because in all honesty, I agree with him and apply his feeling to myself. Heck, I even feel that I will never completely understand me. Is that sad, or what?

He began telling me that he holds a lot of his emotions in and disguises some emotions as others to prevent himself from getting hurt. He admitted that it's not healthy, but he still tends to do that. And yet again, I understand him.

He seemed to be opening himself up to me, and I listened. That's all I did. I didn't respond too much. I just heard him out. And I felt special in knowing that he felt comfortable enough to share his feelings with me.

I really enjoy talking to him. Although I might not say too much because I still have to figure out what I'm actually feeling when I talk to him, I still enjoy just simply knowing that he's on the other end spending a part of his day sharing with me only.

He seems like a person who is good friend quality and potential mate quality. He seems like a sweet man with a big heart. His voice, his laugh, his words~HE makes me smile. And that's always a plus. I really don't know the extent of this. I don't know know what the future holds. But, I do know that I look forward to hearing his voice in the morning when he wakes up out of his slumber to simply give me a wake-up call and wish me a good day and when he calls me at night to wish me a good sleep.

Just based off a fuzzy picture, he might not fulfill the physical embodiment of my ideal mate. Actually meeting in person is really what needs to happen. But, in all honesty, I think he has what it takes to still be the Prince Charming who gets a Princess in the end.

Trust factor...

2005-05-11T13:37:00.000-04:00

Right now. What am I feeling right now? I'm preparing you in advance; this is definitely going to be a blog without any kind of order~kind of like how I'm feeling right now.

Everything was fine. Life was good. I was happy with myself and all those around me. Then slowly, things began to change. I began to change. People around me began to change and I found myself living in total oblivion to the truth~ EVERYTHING IS NOT HOW IT APPEARS.

Last night, my world turned upside down and I began to see how silence for a prolonged period of time is in fact a form of lying. I mean, I always thought that it was in some sense, but it never hit home until now. And what really hurt is that my world was flipped by a person who I never would have expected: Jenee.

Jenee has been involved in a long-distance relationship for about six months. She actually went to visit her boyfriend for Spring Break. I remember joking around with my fellow virgin friend before her leaving about not giving up her cookies and reminded her that we were together in saving ourselves for marriage. All was well. A matter of fact, she came back after Spring Break with stories of some of the risque things they did; but actual sexual intercourse was never brought up. So, I was like, "Cool." Now, my cousin (Evette) was joking with me by saying, "Jenee went to visit that boy and slept with him." And I would defend Jenee by saying, "Nah. She wouldn't do that. She's still a virgin." I defended her...

It's so easy to defend someone when you 'think' you really know them. But then again, when or can you really know someone? I used to think you could. Basically, Jenee told me last night that she had sex with her boyfriend (every night she was there). And she was shocked that I didn't give her the angry reaction she expected. I was silent. I said, "Oh, okay." And she kept asking me to say something. But, I had nothing to say to her. I literally could not find one single word. So, my room was filled with silence until she got finished with her homework and finally left. And I sat there, empty.

I keep telling myself that this has nothing to do with me. Why am I taking this personal. I think it has to do with trust. It's already bad enough that my heart is hard as a rock, but when someone you've allowed to come in does something that is totally out of character, it makes me wonder. It makes me angry. It makes me cry. It gives me a headache. It makes me want to talk to someone, but then again not want to because of the trust factor.

I need to get away. And I'm thinking that the reason why things have been happening the way they have been is because I'm supposed to be feeling a sense of yearning for something more. Going across the ocean to another country in a couple of weeks for a good amount of time is much needed and I don't think it's coincidence. This is a divine appointment that has been predestined to occur for me. And the more I observe, the more I want to go.

Ya know, I actually feel like this is another test: "Are you going to follow through with what you've said or give up when it seems like all around you seems to be falling apart?" Now, don't mistake my feelings as being judgemental. That's not it. I'm not judging anyone's actions. I'm more so upset at not being told something that clearly has been something I've always been able to discuss. Just as with you, Jenee is one of those people I call and tell all the details when something happens, even if it gets really graphic, she knows. And for her to not feel like she could tell me (she withheld this for about two months!), it hurts.

My brain hurts. Way too much thinking has been going on. And I'm tired.

"To be nobody-but-yourself~ in a world that is trying to make you everybody else~means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." -E.E. Cummings

I've Never Done This One Before (Oh my!)...

2005-04-29T01:40:00.000-04:00

Fluent-less Soul of Mine

So many emotions
Very... few......words.........
An abundance of tears flow
My soakened lap can testify of the turbulent well within

Deeper than deep
Darker than a rustic sky
Intrigued by the luster of the tantalizing stars
But yearning for The Light

Too many words
Given by those who empathize
Sincerely attempting to rationalize
But never can heal the wounds

A surplus of thoughts endlessly flood my mind
Bombarding my consciousness day and night
The ambiguity of my convictions
Causes me to question myself

Detesting the feeling of chaos
Wanting to control my destiny
Planning.......for what?
Waiting.......in vain?

The essence of my being attempts to compensate
My mind tries to remind me that, "It's all a test"
My heart, full of endurance, prepares for the next battle
And my soul, attempting to speak, cries out in sheer anticipation of what's to come...

Trial of Faith...

2005-04-25T17:21:00.000-04:00

"I myself have for twenty-nine years been waiting for an answer to prayer concerning a certain spiritual blessing. Day by day have I been enabled to continue in prayer for this blessing. At home and abroad, in this country and in foreign lands, in health and in sickness, however much occupied, I have been enabled, day by day, by God's help, to bring this matter before Him; and still I have not the full answer yet. Nevertheless, I look for it. I expect it confidently. The very fact that day after day, and year after year, for twenty-nine years, the Lord has enabled me to continue, patiently, believingly, to wait on Him for the blessing, still further encourages me to wait on; and so fully am I assured that God hears me about this matter, that I have often been enabled to praise Him beforehand for the full answer, which I shall ultimately receive to my prayers on this subject. Thus, you see, dear reader, that while I have hundreds, yes, thousands of answers, year by year, I have also, like yourself and other believers, the trial of faith concerning certain matters." ~George Mueller

These words are so fitting right now. Right now, I feel fine. Ask me how I feel in a couple of seconds when I catch about 3 tears fall in my lap, then become angry with myself.

No phone call yet. It's so funny to be waiting for a phone call from someone when you know they're about to say, "I don't want you." And it's so funny to feel upset when you know the reasoning behind them not wanting you is completely ludicrous. It's hilarious (yes, hilarious) to actually be upset about something so trivial. I mean, I could be in a completely situation where I truly compromised myself to the point of not being able to look at myself in the mirror. But, thank God that that's not the issue. So, what is???

I just feel that God is mocking me. 21 years; almost 22 now, and I have never had someone to call my own. I've had potential candidates to fulfill the companion role, but that's as far as it goes (potential, not the product) when they find out that I won't be giving up my cookies; I will be gladly giving my cookies as a gift to that special man who I will be exceedingly elated to finally claim as my husband.

I just don't get it. This society is so twisted. We commend those who have the strength enough to not conform to the societal norm, but we throw them to the side and decide to return to them once we've gotten tired of having our meaningless fun. We want perfection, but give garbage. We essentially make a mockery of relationships and then wonder why we're so messed up.

The Lord knows how I feel. He should know; I've been praying to Him about this forever. And yet, the bad seeds keep coming my way. But then I think, "Why? Why are You sending this my way, now?" And then I get this feeling that reminds me that something greater is coming and that each occurrence that I have with someone who is not up to par should be a reminder of what God has ordained for me to have. And sometimes the occurrences have nothing to do with me, but rather are used as a witness to the guy that in order for him to get the genuine 'prize' lady that he so desires, he needs to get his act together, or else she's going to walk on by and he'll lose out on his blessing.

I'm not mad at D. I'm just sad for him. I see a person who clearly wants to be right, but is so caught up. He's saying that he's been praying to God for him to reveal to him what he's looking for, since he can't seem to figure it out for himself, but then again, if he hasn't the slightest clue of what he wants, how is God going to reveal something to him if he's not expecting a revelation? He's living in the 'whatever happens, happens' mode, which has some glitches in it because if you start feeling like that, you accept anything. Although he may claim that he's a changed person, he has a lot of growing to do.

So, I'm still trying to figure out what I'll say to him if he calls, or what I'll say to him when I call him tomorrow, if he chooses not to call. And for some reason, right now I'm feeling like there is a purpose I'm supposed to fulfill with this one. I don't know what it is, but I do know that I'm not going to just totally close the door on him. I'm not a mean spirited person; it's not in my nature, so I'll just be honest and keep a loving spirit while I endure this trial of faith.

A New Day...

2005-04-18T18:21:00.000-04:00

So, what's new you ask? Welp, I'm taking it a day at a time. That's about it. No expectations; just going with the flow. Maybe I'm getting a little too comfortable going with the flow though.

I woke up in D's bed (that's what I'll call him) on Saturday morning. I ended up going to sleep over there Friday night. No, there was no sexual intercourse; but, we continued with what we did during Thursday's night rendezvous. And it was good. Oh.....he's such a good kisser. And he even said, "I love kissing you." I've never received that compliment before. =)

We talked a bit. Yep, a bit. We laughed a lot. Yep, a lot. But, something's missing. The emotional aspect is non-existent. I mean, I feel like my mind is absolutely blank when I'm around him. He could ask me what I'm thinking, and I could be thinking about absolutely nothing. And I'm usually always thinking, which is quite odd.

Eugene warned me that I need to be careful about D. He told me to take it as a sign when a guy calls you in the afternoon to ask, "What are you getting into tonight?" rather than asking "What are you doing now?" In other words, a guy should be interested in spending time with you during the day and actually do something than getting purely physical. And, I agree with this, but I can't form that into words when around D. But, it must not bother me too much because I continue to be physical with him. Why?........

He called me Saturday night to check and see how I was doing; I told him I was out, and he told me was out also and told me to call him when I made it in. He called me last night to ask, "What are you getting into tonight?" I told him I had to work, and that was basically the extent of the conversation. How do you like that for substance?

I'm just a little confused right now. I mean, I think I've heard that guys tend to work backwards--get physical first then develop emotional attachment, but that this is opposite for girls. The mutual good friend that D and I share (I'll call her J) told me that D really likes me. He told her in class on Friday that he had deleted over half of the numbers of the girls he had in his phone and told her, "Don't worry. I'm going to take care of your girl."

What in the hell does all this mean? I sure don't know. But, I am finding myself excited to hear from him. I find myself grinning when I think about kissing him. But most of all, I find myself wondering if I'm doing the right thing, or better yet wondering why I'm doing what I'm doing.

By the way, Moore called me up Saturday night to see if I wanted to play pool with him and his friends. I told him "Thanks for thinking about me, but I have plans." I wonder how he's doing. I think I might go and check on him.

(BIG SIGH...)

What if...

2005-04-04T02:56:00.000-04:00

Girl, do you remember that football player that I mentioned a while back who came to my room? I'll call him, Washington. Well, in the past he'd come over just to say hi, and would stay a bit and chat. Today, he sent me a message on facebook and I responded back. Then he came to my door at 10:00 tonight. He came in, told me that he just got my facebook message, sat down on my bed and made himself comfortable. He talked. I talked. We talked. There were no sarcastic remarks-just genuine conversation. He left at 11:30.

We talked for an hour and a half!!! I can't believe it. And now, he has my cell phone number but knows that it won't be on for about a week. He also asked me what my plans were for this weekend, so I don't know if we'll be hanging out at all this weekend. I invited him to come to church on Sunday, and he scheduled it into his phone, so that's cool. He's a Christian too. And, he is cute, I must say. He's a little.....different though. I really can't explain it, but it's kind of intriguing. And, since he was leaning all over my pillows, his scent is left behind. Geez louise. I'm just wondering if Moore passed by my room while my door was cracked open to hear us talking and laughing. Oh well...Moore has not stopped by room since last week since I supposedly "kicked him out" (that's what he said via email).

I don't know anymore. It's so weird. Because people always tell you that you'll be able to feel it when something is 'right.' But, to tell you the truth, I haven't felt that 'right' feeling with Moore. He just gives me the confused feeling, which kind of indicates that he's not the 'right' one, at least not at this point in life.

Last night, I found myself waking up in the middle of the night upset that Moore had not knocked on my door while I was asleep to just come in and sleep on my floor; everyday it does get easier though. But today, I feel.....rejuvintated, like there is some hope. I mean, Washington said some really cool things tonight, which made me think (something that many dudes are unable to make me do). And I enjoyed his company; even the glances he'd give me while I 'wasn't looking at him.' I really don't know if anything is going to happen. Nothing probably will. I'm just being a girl right now; that's just what we do (blow things out of proportion). But, it doesn't hurt to just think 'what if.'

Slowly, but surely...

2005-03-31T21:17:00.001-05:00

Now, a 'good' friend would just tell you, "Girl, I know you're feeling bad. I'm so sorry." And the friend would continue to try to console you. But a 'great' friend would remind you of the true person they know that you are.

The girl I know is a soldier. I mean this girl is so driven that she puts me to shame (and I'm all that and a bag of chips, so that's really saying something~smile). She knows what she wants and doesn't give up until she feels personal fulfillment. She has such a commanding presence that even the ambience of a room can be determined just by her attitude. She has.......it. Words cannot express how I feel about this person, because mere words won't suffice.

Don't feel bad because you're in a drought phase. Fresh rain is coming. What may be a 'bad season' to you is a 'good season' for God to reveal himself to you. I know this sounds so cliche. But, I know there is a reason for you to be going through this. I don't know why. We never know. All I know is that there is no mistake that I play a role in your life and because of that, all I can do as a child of God is to make sure that I fulfill my role in your life, not just because God has commanded me to do so, but because I love you.

I want you to do me a favor. I need you to read the story of Job. Read the book of Job in its entirety. It's 42 chapters, but it's worth it. I'll read it too. You're not in this alone, baby. If you hurt, I hurt. If you're happy, I'm happy. If you're.....hungry (just kiddin' with you; well, actually I'd probably be hungry too).

Now, there is one thing that you're going to have to do in order to get over this hump; you're going to have to forgive. I'm not talking about others. I'm talking about yourself. If you keep holding onto the burden(s) of the past, how do you expect for God to do his job in your life and make it all better? He can't do what you want him to do if you keep holding on. Let it go. Just let it go. I know it's hard, because you have so many questions. Why??? Because you wouldn't be here right now if it had not happened. You wouldn't be searching for a greater purpose. You wouldn't be empty, so that God can fill you up. You'd be the same person as before, with God in the passenger seat. God wants to drive, baby. He wants to lead you to a destination that you never thought existed. He wants to show you something, but he can't show it to you if you're still looking back. Move forward; regression can no longer be in your mindset. It's all about progression now. (Wow, I'm preaching to myself too.)

Go to the doctor please. I can't be having your beautiful head of hair falling out. Nah sir! I ain't havin' it! And don't feel bad if you need to go to some one-on-one therapy sessions too. Whatever you need to get you through this is necessary. And I'll back you 110%; just don't do no crazy shit. (You smiled, didn't you? There you go.)

As always, you're on my mind. I'm not giving up on you. Now, wipe your eyes and go read Job.

It's easier said than done...

2005-03-29T04:03:00.000-05:00

Honey, I've read the words from your soul. And my soul aches with you. I too found myself crying today (my cell phone is broken and I won't be able to get one in the near future). Now, the tears weren't so much based off of that, but the tears just started falling like something was seriously wrong with me. My friends were like, "Girl, it's going to be okay. Don't stress over it." But, they didn't understand where the tears were coming from because clearly, I didn't even know. Maybe I was crying your tears too. That's just an obscure thought, but maybe we are connected on that level, where when you feel pain, I feel it too. And it's not a pretty feeling, I know.

Now, I can't sit here and tell you what to do to make you feel better. Only time (humanity's worse enemy in times like this) will tell. But what I can say is that you are not forgotten. No matter what you feel, know that the ONE has it all under control. You have to have faith in times like this to make it through. Without it, it will be pure hell. And remember, I' m here. I might not be physically there (which would be awesome), but I'm here thinking about you and praying (if you don't pray, rest assured that you're covered on my end). But, I've learned that it's when you're down that God wants to hear from you the most. Be real; that's all He wants.

To sum this all up, I looked up a passage of scripture that you might be able to relate to. Pay attention, particularly to the psalmist's consistent thought in the passage. I challenge you to give it a try. Just try, and wait patiently......

Psalm 42
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon-from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.
By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me-a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning oppressed by the enemy?"
My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?"
Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Sweet dreams...

2005-02-26T06:56:00.000-05:00

So, I've never done this one before-typing a blog about someone while they're in the room with me. So, Moore is actually sleeping on the floor behind me as I type this. I think he was trying to have a conversation tonight, but he's just not direct about it. And I'm not trying to help him out with it. I give him a little information at a time and let him do the analyzing. It's about time to give my brain a rest; well, actually it's still on overload.

Another thing that happened earlier was that a guy (let's name him, Washington) comes to my room. He's a football player, but he's a little different than the rest of them. He enters my room (he's been saying that he'll stop by sometime), but he never has. And we have a really good conversation. Upon arrival, he tells me that he was on the way to his room to read his bible and then head off to bed. So, I'm thinking, "Boy, this is cheezy." But as he finally left my room, after an hour, I told him to make sure that he tells me what he read about. Now, I'm thinking he'll come back some other day, but he comes back about an hour later, bible in hand, and tells me what he read about. I must admit, it was attractive.

Going back to Washington and my conversation...of course, we got on the subject of relationships, and he says that he's shocked that I don't have a boyfriend. I can tell what he's looking for, but it doesn't seem like the same "Let me beat" mentality. I think there's actually something deeper to him, and on top of that, the boy looks good (gotta love it). So, he has sparked my interest a bit, but not as much as a certain other.

The only thing I'm concerned about is this whole Moore thing. I know what I want, but I don't want to complicate things with him. But I also would like to get to know Washington a little more, which I have a feeling that he'll be coming to my room more often (probably at night). This will be awkward because Moore typically comes to my room at night. I'm already forseeing drama.

I don't know what's going on. Things are coming out from all directions and it seems like it's only going to get more crazy. Am I going to be able to handle this? I can't even get to sleep right now, which is why I'm finding myself typing this at this late of an hour. And Moore sleeps behind me as if he has no care in the world. It's so hard to look at someone, knowing that you want him, and just having to suck it up again, and just let him rest peacefully...

Forgotten...

2005-02-22T15:06:00.000-05:00

I'm not able to sleep like I want at night. I mean, I can get in the bed, but I just sit there, my thoughts racing. My heart is heavy. The tears that come are only surface tears, it's deeper than what my eyes let out. My heart is screaming, but it's as if it's mute; no one can hear it, not even my body to the point where it will alleviate some pressure by just allowing the tears to freely flow (one of those nasty crying moments, where your entire face becomes distorted and your body experiences sheer discomforting aches afterwards). I'm in need of that. But, nothing comes out.

Last night, Jenee went to Moore's room to fish for some more information. Moore hates being surprised. She stayed in his room for about three hours discussing what's going on with him. She told me that he was talking around her questions and not answering them directly. She could tell he was getting pretty antsy when she kept asking questions; he had to take out his keyboard and began playing in order to get some of his thoughts out. He was apparently answering her through song, but of course she could not interpret the answers. And it all came down to him asking her why was she the one asking him those questions. By some of the comments Jenee told me he made, it made me want to talk to him even more. Every inch of my being was on fire. I was angry, inspired, sick, humiliated, sad, puzzled, and happy all at once; if that's even possible. My conscience would not let me rest. So at 2:00am, I call Moore and tell him to come to my room.

He comes, looking like he's sleepy and is complaining the entire time he's in my room about how late it is. I explain to him that I really don't know what to say, but that I need to talk to him because I can't get any sleep over it. Sometimes we have to do things that we don't feel like doing." He says, "Well, I'm laying down. I'm going to fall asleep. You can talk to me while I sleep."

And my heart sinks. If he only knew how hard it is for me. If he only knew that I absolutely fear putting myself out there and not being accepted. He doesn't know the torment I experience of not having control over how I feel; because if it were my choice, I would be emotionless when it comes to all kinds of relationships just to run from pain and anguish. I'm a coward. I admit it. This is the one thing that I cannot seem to win at in my life. I have been so successful regarding everything else, but I cannot seem to succeed in opening myself up.

So, I ask Moore, "Are you willing to have a conversation and communicate with me right now, or do you want to leave." He basically says, "I think it would be better to have a conversation some other time. I'm too tired to have a discussion." I ask him if I should schedule a time in my calendar. He replies, "No. Just make sure that it's before 2:00am, 1:00am, 12:00am, or 11:00pm." I say, "Well goodnight." He says, "Maybe you should read your bible or something if you can't sleep. Goodnight. See ya." He leaves and I lay there in my bed, my pillow slowly dampening from the few tears that come for two hours and I get about an hour and a half of sleep before I wake up for classes.

Lee, it's so hard. And I'm not just talking about the situation. I'm talking about my heart. I'm trying to put myself out there. I'm trying to open up to people. I really feel like I'm trying. Then the door slams in my face. And the automatic reaction is for my heart to develop an extra covering, blocking all those who try to enter. My wall of defense increases. I become more cold, not even wanting anyone to touch me. It just happens and I become jaded.

I can understand that maybe I surprised him by wanting to talk that early in the morning. But the thing is, he could clearly see how bad I was bothered, and he didn't say or do anything. I wasn't in the mood for his sarcasm-patronizing me through his words. He made it seem like I was being an inconvenience. And I never say anything to him when I could clearly consider him to be an inconvenience, because I put all that aside when it comes to him. If he has an issue, or if any of my friends have an issue, time is not an issue, even when it seems like it could be a real inconvenience to me. Don't ever make me feel like I'm being an inconvenience, because I'll remove myself altogether to ensure I'm not an inconvenience ever again.

The more I think about it, the more vulnerable I feel. My heart needs a rest.
Avril Lavigne sums it up in "Forgotten:"

"I know I wanna run away
I know I wanna run away
Run away
If only I could run away
If only I could run away
Run away
I told you what I wanted
I told you what I wanted
What I wanted
But I was forgotten
I won't be forgotten
Never again"

My mind's playing tricks on me; or is it?...

2005-02-21T17:42:00.000-05:00

Last night was very (what's the word I'm looking for) surreal. Eugene came over to talk to me about my guy issue concerning Moore. He told me that Moore was more than likely using last week to see where I was coming from with the card. When I never mentioned anything and continued to act like I always do with him, he probably assumed that I wrote the card coming from a friend perspective and nothing more. So, as always, I'm going to have to bring the subject up verbally if I want anything to potentially happen. You know how I feel about that one.

So, as Eugene continued to talk, he started to tell me about some conversations that he's been having with God lately. Now, these aren't conversations where Eugene prays and waits for God to respond. These are like conversations that two friends would be having back and forth. I witnessed this last night. Now, it would be normal to be freaked out about it, but I was more in a state of awe than anything else, especially when the conversation focus was aimed at me.

There are things that I have not told Eugene about, or anyone here at school, about how I'm feeling. And these are the things that came out of Eugene's mouth last night as he was allowing God to talk to him and talk through him. It even came to a point where I began asking questions in my own head, and Eugene would open his mouth and answer the question immediately after I had just asked it. And what really hit home was when Eugene said something that caused me to break down in tears and he literally felt the deepness of the scars that I have deep within me and later told me that he felt a brief moment of what I've apparently been feeling for while, and that he's concerned because that pain was unbearable. And all I could do was look at him, desperately fighting the tears from coming, and said, "Yeah." I was speechless.

So, what did I take away from last night? Well, apparently I'm so busy, but with all the wrong things. I can make time for everything else, but I can't make time for God. God has been wanting me to do something and speaking to me, and I keep ignoring Him; what that is and when He's spoken, I don't know. The paranoia has got to stop because clearly God is not in what I'm being paranoid about; I need to let it go and stop letting stuff get to me. I need to stop feeling like I need to prove myself to others, when instead I need to be proving myself to God. I need to search for love in God rather than continuously desiring a relationship with a man; it was said that I keep wondering why I'm alone, but the fact of the matter is that God is going to continue to make sure that I'm alone until I do what He's instructed me to do. The only way I'll feel a sense of completeness is if I come to Him and stop trying to do everything by myself or go to others for answers; it is only when I turn to God that I will feel fulfilled and then God will be able to bring someone into my life. And lastly, I've learned that it's time for me to stop relying on baby food and look towards solid food; I can't keep running away, trying to remain in my box, trying to live this life by myself. It's time for me to put myself out there because I can't be used unless I allow myself to be used.

It's just so much stuff. My brain feels jumbled. I've read a portion of the book, "Conversation With God" before, and it made me think a lot. But, never did I imagine that I would experience something like that face-to-face. I remember one more thing that was said, "Stop looking in the Book for the answers. It's time that you have a conversation with me." I don't know how. I mean, I've asked questions in my head, I've even talked out loud like a mad woman, but I don't hear anything. I don't feel anything. I mean, I feel even more lost and confused than before because I feel absolutely crazy. What in the heck is going on?

As always, I'm waiting for something...

It could all be so simple...

2005-02-20T16:35:00.000-05:00

So, Eugene finally called me up last night and said he wanted to talk. I allowed him to come over, and we finally had a heart-to-heart conversation. He was a little under the influence (and I'm not talking about alcohol), so his emotions weren't all over the place, which helped. So, we've squashed it, and are willing to move on with placing a great emphasis on keeping communication open and not letting little things fester into big things. Progress has been made in that area and I'm happy.

It's so weird to have someone on your mind constantly, to the point where even your dreams are focusing on that individual (Moore). I went to his room last night and played a video game along with some of his friends. Clearly, I was absolutely horrible at it; everyone was laughing at me, including Moore, but when I would get up to leave, he would ask me to stay. I still ended up leaving though.

This morning, I woke up to get ready for church and I called Moore up and left him a message telling him what time I'm leaving, if he wanted to go, and to just be at my room at a certain time if he chose, otherwise "Have a nice day." So, it comes time for me to leave and Moore isn't at my room. I walk down the steps and am about to leave the building, when Moore enters the stairwell with his bible in hand and of course, my heart skips a beat. There's something about a young man with his bible that gives me chills. Jesus, help me!

So, we get to church. The spirit-filled atmosphere is set. Moore stands at my right with his head bowed and eyes closed. I stand by his side singing songs of praise. And I feel complete, yet empty at the same time, because clearly I don't know what's going on in his head.

It comes to the sermon and there is a guest preacher. The sermon title is so fit for my situation: "Making Decisions." And the entire time I'm wondering if Moore is seeing a connection or not. Him being a guy, I would doubt if it even crossed his mind. There are four questions I took away from the message that are crucial to think about when making a decision: "1. How will this decision affect me spiritually? 2. If I make this decision, what other decisions will I have to make? 3. If I make this decision, what effect will it have on my testimony? 4. How will my decision influence others?" A lot to think about.

So in essence, it is wise to take time to gather one's thoughts before making any decisions. But, I wonder if Moore is trying to figure me out to see if I meant I liked him by what I said, or if I was just saying things coming from a 'friend/sisterly' perspective. I don't know. I'm basically at a loss for words. It's like I want to bring up the subject with him, but I don't want to pressure him and ultimately scare him away. My brain, my heart, my, my, my. If only he truly knew of the spell he has on me...

Sweet serenity...

2005-02-19T22:17:00.000-05:00

It's just one of those days. The sky is drizzling. The air is damp and everything appears to be in a state of depression. Everyone's waiting for Spring to come-for new beginnings, rejuvination, and inspiration. I too fall into this category. I'm ready for change. I want to see new things. I want to experience the extraordinary. I want to step 'out of the box' into a whole new light.

Eugene is still not talking to me. He's still very heated, and I've been informed to just stay out of his path. I think what makes me so upset about all of this is that I would do anything for him. I love him and hate to see him upset. Especially, when his being upset is directed at me; someone who clearly feels at a loss for words and if I did have words, he would not want to hear them. So, as with everyone else in my life, I'll give him his time too.

Moore spent the night again last night. Needless to say, nothing was said; just the two of us sleeping in the same room together, but yet so far away. And I still wait. That's just the story of my life. The title would be: "Miss Analyzation And Her Journey...Nowhere." Wouldn't you go see that in the theaters? Yeah right. It's not even one I would rent.

Speaking of rentals, I've rented the 'Notebook.' I've heard it's a tear jerker; I'm in the mood for that. I'm in for the evening, by myself. I'm going to put on my pjs, pop a bag of popcorn, get some tissue for the tears, snuggle under the covers of my bed, and absorb myself in me.

'Tic-toc' goes the clock...

2005-02-16T16:48:00.000-05:00

It's Wednesday and I can't wait until this weekend. I'll finally have the opportunity to do things that make me happy and not have to participate in activities that are mandated by others. I need 'me' time. So, what's been going on with me for the past couple of days?

My grades aren't looking good at all. I feel like I'm not getting it or something. It's like the material that I'm missing is fairly simple stuff, which makes it even worse. After reviewing over the answers after taking the test(s), it all makes sense. It's when I'm taking the test(s) that everything seems to just jumble together. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm in the right field of study. But, when I'm in a situation where I'm dealing with people like I will in my profession, I feel right at home. It's like I have the the people smarts, but the book smarts are what I'm not able to retain. With time, I hope it gets better. But sadly, I know that time is not on my side when it comes to academics.

So, Moore spent the night the other night. We acted like we always do, but he didn't mention the card like I expected him to. I was beginning to wonder if he even read the card. I ended up dozing off in my bed as he fell asleep on the floor.

Jenee calls me up yesterday to see if Moore responded to the card. I tell her, "Nope!" She then says that she's going to call him to fish for some information, and of course because I really want to know what he's thinking, I allow Jenee to call. She hangs up with me and proceeds to call him...

About twenty minutes later, Jenee calls me back and tells me that she asked Moore what he had gotten for Valentine's Day (to get information on the sly). He tells her that he received a card and banana pudding from me. She asks what the card said. He doesn't tell her. She says, "I only know that one part says, 'This card is for your eyes only' because that's what she had told me when I asked her what she was writing." He chuckled at her remark. She then asks what he thought about the card. He says, "It was fine......well, I wasn't really shocked by what the card said; I saw it coming, but I was thrown off by the timing. That's what's really getting to me because I've never been the one to be thrown off guard and she caught me with my guards down. So, I really need some time." Jenee asks, "Is that a good thing or a bad thing? He replies, "That's a good thing." Jenee then asks, "Have you responded to the card?" Moore says, "No, I haven't. I need some time to think about things. I don't want to go to her without having everything together. It can't be one of those twenty minute conversations. I need to have a long conversation with her; one of those all night conversations."

So now, I'm caught off guard because I'm wondering what the heck does he have to think about and how much time he needs. It's weird knowing that something is coming, but not knowing when it's coming or what exactly is coming. Jenee asked me what I'm doing this weekend. Aside from me having 'me' time, I don't have anything else really planned. Hopefully all the time that Moore needs will be had by this weekend so maybe we can have an all-nighter conversation. But then again, good things come to those who wait. So, as hard as it may be, I'm going to stop being selfish about this and give him all the time he needs...

Funny feelings on Valentine's Day...

2005-02-15T00:07:00.000-05:00

I'm a little frustrated. I typed up this entire blog to have it just erase before my eyes when I attempted to publish it. So, now I'm writing it all over again. Let me see how much I remember...

Your letter was beautiful. Although you are not able to say what you feel to that special someone, I hope you feel better. I know how it feels to feel a certain way, but not being able to express it. It's not so much that you're not able to express it, but rather you find yourself limited because you're trying to appease the other party and not make them feel awkward. And since you're not able to help how you feel, it drives you crazy because it seems like you're the only one feeling that way and that everyone else is content with the current way of things. Does that even make any sense or am I just rambling?

Well, piano man came by today to give be a roll of toilet tissue (I've run out) and he brought my two chocolate roses (he gave me one last year and today, he told me that he will give me an extra rose each year). I made piano man a banana pudding for V-day; he's been saying that he has a taste for a homemade banana pudding. Hold on a second; let me give piano man a name. From now on, I'll refer to him as Moore. So, I went ahead and made him a decent sized pudding and presented it to him tonight. I also had made him a Valentine's Day card (one like you'd make in elementary school with the paper, markers, stickers and cut out hearts). However, on the inside, I actually wrote something from my heart. I did it in a creative way (I wrote the fairly long message in a circular pattern). It's probably going to drive him crazy when he reads it. I basically told him that I appreciate who he is and I thanked him for all the attributes I admire about him. I told him that I thank God for allowing me the opportunity to have him in my life. I summed it all up by saying, "I love you for being you." Of course I had to add a P.S. in there which said, "This card is for your eyes only. Happy Valentine's Day." When I gave him the card he was about to open it and read it in front of me, but I told him to not read it in my presence. He looked a little puzzled as to why I wouldn't want him to read it in front of me, to which I responded with, "I don't like when people read cards that I've given them in front of me." So, he went ahead and put the card away and left.

He'll be back later though. He asked me if he could spend the night in my room tonight because his roommate will be needing their room tonight. Gotta love the night of Valentine's Day. So, I told him he could and asked him to bring his X-box. The other night he asked me to play video games with him and I had a great time. I tried three games I've never played, and I absolutely loved this tennis game he has. It was really fun. Well, to be honest, playing video games all together is fun when playing with him. He talks a lot of noise, but so do I, and it's actually fun losing to him.

So, I shall see if he brings up the contents of the card in conversation tonight. I wonder if the card made him think, or if he just read it and tossed it to the side. I hope that if he does want to talk about it that I'm able to answer any questions he might have. All I know is that I'm feeling kind of funny right now, and quite frankly, it's nothing to laugh about.

"What are you doing here?"

2005-01-26T17:44:00.000-05:00

You made me cry. Thank you for your prayers. I fasted for 24 hours and I can say that I am feeling better. I'm not completely right (I know that I still have to follow through with some things in order for me to feel content). But, I am feeling better.

My dad sent me an email yesterday that said, "Your scripture for the day: I Kings 19:9-18, Call me later and I'll explain....Love you, Dad" When I read that, I cried and I hadn't even opened my bible yet. I went straight to the Word and made my way through the verses as tears continued to flow from my eyes. God was clearly talking to me through that. I'm sure you'll read the scripture, but I'll still give a synopsis of the story.

So, the prophet Elijah was a well known prophet; he had done so many things in the name of the Lord (slaughtered many who were worshipping the false idol, Baal). But yet, there was one person who totally frightened Elijah. Her name (yes, she was a woman) was Jezebel. Jezebel was known for killing those who claimed to be prophets and she made it known that Elijah was her next victim. And Elijah ran.....

Now, Elijah was in a clear state of depression. He constantly slept so he wouldn't have to address his situation, and God kept having to wake Elijah up, commanding him to eat because he had to gain strength for the great journey before him. So, Elijah would eat, but then he would roll right back over and go to sleep. And God continued trying to get him to eat and go on with his journey.

Eventually God came right out and asked. "What are you doing here, Elijah?" This question was to get Elijah to examine why he was in the depression that he had fallen into. And Elijah answers God by telling Him that he has been on fire for the Lord and has done everything for Him, but people continue to do what is wrong, and he is scared for his life and feels all alone. And the Lord responds by telling Elijah to go to the top of a mountain. Clearly, God was about to set up a demonstration for Elijah, but Elijah was so caught up in his situation that he did not see the big picture.

So, at the mountain top there was a powerful wind that shattered the mountains, and earthquake, and a fire, but in all these occurences God's presence was not there. Then after the fire, the Lord speaks to Elijah in a soft whisper, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" Now, I interpret this as God trying to give Elijah the opportunity to change his previous answer. But again, Elijah doesn't get what God is trying to do and replies with the same answer. After that, God instructs Elijah to go and anoint various people to continue his divine plan.

So, what does all this mean? My dad basically told me that there is no reason for me to be feeling what I'm feeling. God has created me to be a strong individual and He's testing me right now to see if I am going to do what He is wanting me to do. I have been put in the situation I'm in for a reason, and instead of being depressed about it, He wants to me get up off my butt and do something about it. If I don't do it, God will more than likely give up on me and use someone else to complete His will.

I know how Elijah felt. I know how it feels to be scared of something so petty (I can't imagine having had killed many people in the name of the Lord and be scared that a measly woman will take my life.), but I know how if feels to be scared of what people will think and say. Yet, my God is supreme and I know He has my back. So, I'm continuing to ask God to give me the courage and the words.

I too had a discussion yesterday with someone I have not talked to in a while and she reinforced everything that I had heard from my parents' mouths. "Once you speak up, you'll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. You'll also realize that there are more people in your corner than you actually think." And she said it word for word how my parents said it the night before. I knew God was speaking to me. And I asked God to give me one more sign.....

At choir rehearsal last night, I had an absolutely marvelous time. We haven't had rehearsal in a while and just being in the same room with fellow Christians who love singing praises to God gives my soul such a renewal on every occasion. I thank God for that. The entire time, I was waiting for some type of word from Him, but I still hadn't gotten it. The songs were uplifting, but it wasn't what I was looking for. After rehearsal we had a meeting, and scripture was read.

I Thessalonians 4:9
Now about brotherliy love we do not need to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love each other....

The entire book of I Thessalonians is actually really encouraging. God is trying to show me that I just need to continue doing what I'm doing, just do it more. Love unconditionally. It's not hurting anyone, it's just spreading the light of Jesus as He desires. And I never thought that loving people would hurt so much. I just think it hurts when it's not returned. So, I'm praying harder than I've ever prayed before. "Lord, give me the words to express how I feel to those who I find so intimidating."

I can't wait to see you. It's been so long. It's been too long. And I feel closer to you now than I've ever felt before. You are not only my friend, you are the sister that I never had the opportunity to have. I love you for being you. And I encourage you.

I Thessalonians 5:9-11
For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Thank you.

Just for you...

2005-01-21T03:21:00.000-05:00

Normally, I'd be sitting in my bed, trying to read some kind of homework material, but ulitmately dosing off. However, I've decided to take a brief moment to give you a little satisfaction in knowing what I'm presently feeling. Right now, I'm tired. That's what I am-tired and sleepy.

I'm tired in both the physical and emotional sense. Eugene finally came back today. However, it is very unlikely that he will be enrolling at the University. It just doesn't make any sense to me because he has waited until the last minute to do anything, which causes me to believe that he's known that he was going to do this for a while and has just been running from reality. To top it all off, our little social circle has been getting different bits and pieces of information from him and other people, so we ultimately have to come to each other to put the pieces together and try to develop some kind of story for him because he won't come straight out and say that he's struggling. There goes the pride of a male for you. And I think he's getting kind of agitated with me because I'm not being really considerate to his attempts to get us all together to "do it big" (hang out). I'm just tired of him running and want him to face reality, which I think is my reason for brushing him off so much. He's my friend and I don't want him to feel that he has to cover up his true emotions just to appear like everything is fine. I think we're going to have to have another talk.

The piano man and I grabbed a sub sandwich today and ate together in my room for dinner. It's so weird with him, because I can talk to him about absolutely anything, and it goes both ways. For instance, I go to his room and ask him for toilet tissue because I'm about to do number two and he willingly gives it to me and inquires about it. It's so funny and real. I like the reality of our friendship and I feel secure when I'm around him. He makes me smile and I don't have to worry about what's on his mind because he tells it like it is. I might not always like what he has to say, but there is no hiding, because there's nothing to hide. He's spiritually alive and stimulating to the mind. We've gone to church together in the past and have vowed to go to church together on Sundays as long as we have no other obligations. I can actually sit next to him in church as we both sing, pray, and enjoy worshipping our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It's incredible and as I sit here typing, I'm beginning to see just how surreal it is. I guess you can say he's the full package. Man, I've never said that one before...

Hmmmmm.....that's all I can say right now, because to tell you the truth, I'm at a lost for words. And as I said earlier, I'm sleepy. I guess I'll end it with some lyrics to a song that came to mind from Miss India Arie.

"Cause he is the truth. Said he is so real. And I love the way that he makes me feel. And if I am a reflection of him, then I must be fly because his light, it shines so bright. I wouldn't lie..."

Headache (cont.)...

2005-01-16T04:35:00.000-05:00

So, Richard calls me up about ten minutes before we're supposed to meet up at the pool bar and tells me that "we're" (who does 'we' entail?) going to stay in and not go out because the roads are bad (it's snowing). He continues to ask me if I'm going and if it were okay with me if he didn't come and assures me that we should try to do it again sometime. I tell him that it's fine and wish him a good night indoors while I continue to still follow through with my plans.

About thirty minutes later I'm online and he IMs me asking me if I'm still going out and I tell him yeah. He then tells me that I really should stay in because of the weather, and I tell him it's fine and that I'm still going to go out with my friends. He then asks me will I still play pool with him sometime. And I tell him, "maybe." Apparently I hurt his feelings on that one and I told him 'maybe' does not mean no. And he responded that 'maybe' does not mean yes either. And I responded in agreement with that. I proceed to tell him that I might even spend the night at someone else's house just to fool with his head and he questions whose house would I spend the night at. And I continue to make comments that'll cause some pondering on his end. But in the end I tell him that I'm just kidding around and then say, "Or am I?" It's kind of fun to play games, eventhough I really hate them. So, eventually he says that he's going to bed early and tells me to have fun and be safe. And I tell him that I will.

Well, I ended up going out with three friends of mine. We ended up just driving around town, stopping by a drive thru for some chicken nuggets that my one friend was craving, then we went to a type of sports bar and hung out a bit and laughed a lot. Although the weather was not all that great, the comfortable atmosphere kept me warm. All in all, I had a decent evening and it momentarily kept my mind off of the opposite sex.

I have a feeling that it's not over (a conversation is probably going to have to be had because clearly, Richard is probably content with the way things are going, feels that everything fine- that there is no problem, and considers it okay to just keep me around for hanging out whenever he's not investing any time or energy on other females). Maybe I just need to stop making assumptions. I guess I really just need to hear his side, if I'll ever have the chance to get that opportunity to be one-on-one.

Headache...

2005-01-15T23:38:00.000-05:00

My head hurts. Not in the actual physical sense, but in the 'there is too much thinking going on' sense. This whole Richard thing is getting to me, and I'm about to say "Time's up. Gotta move on!!!"

Last night I was invited over to his place. Also there were his guy friend whom I know, and his ex-girlfriend. Yes, I said ex-girlfriend; the one whom he once told me "We're just friends." Now, of course I didn't say too much the entire night. I was too busy observing. To tell you the truth, I wish I were not the type to analyze everything. It makes me sick to my stomach.

First of all, I think the two are more than "just friends." If he's feeling that way, I don't think she is. Girls have a way of reading other females, and I'm reading something contrary to friendship. You know when girls say things in subtle ways to portray a hidden message without blatently saying it; whether this is conciously or sub-consciously? Well, this girl was all about making sure that it was known that she knew where everything was in his room (even stuff in drawers), what type of files are on his computer, and how he responds to all the situations that they've encountered together. I don't know about anyone else, but the relationships that I have with my guy friends are strictly friendly. I might know some secrets and things, but I make it a point to keep everything strictly 'friendly.' And then again, I must accept that they have been romantically involved, more than likely even sexually involved (there's definitely some kind of sexual tension in the air).

So anyway, as the night progresses with us playing various games, the ex proceeds to dose off on the couch. Richard is sitting in the middle on the couch while I sit on the other side of him. Richard begins to playfully mess my hair up (which kind of annoys me), rubbing on my back and shoulders, poking me in my side, and putting his arm around me. Now, this is really awkward for me because the girl is in the same room with me, and there is his guy friend and another guy friend who came over later sitting across from us. And I'm thinking, "Dang, what am I doing here? Clearly, I'm a minority in this group." And I can't help but wonder what is everyone else thinking.

The night ends with myself and the other two guys leaving around 1:00 in the morning, and the ex left behind sleeping on the couch. Richard said that he'd wake her up as we left. He gives me one of those lingering hugs and says that he's glad that I came over and hopes that I enjoyed myself. And I'm like, "Yeah, I had a great time. Thanks."

This morning I go to see him while he's at work and he again asks if I enjoyed myself and asked if I bored him because he didn't want to seem like he was wasting my time. I told him that I had a nice time and that no, he didn't waste my time. And he responds, "Good."

Early this afternoon, I was talking to some friends of mine and we decided that we wanted to go out tonight and play some pool or something. One of my friends suggested that I invite Richard. And I took his advice and asked him. Richard responded that he didn't have any money to go out because he's trying to save it to pay his bills. I don't know why I did this, but I told him that I'd cover him this time. And he's like, "Really? Thanks buddy!" Then he says, "Can I invite the ex (he really said her name) and my other guy friend (the same one from last night that I too know)?" My guy friend tells me that I should tell him to invite them because he wants to be able to feel out Richard's ex to see what's really going on. I love my friends. So, I went on ahead and told him, "Sure."

Tonight, I went to the dining hall with the same guy friend and as we're sitting there joking around and laughing, guess who walks into the dining hall.....Richard and his ex. He waves in my direction and I wave back. Apparently as a girl from another table came up to my table and started talking to me, Richard was coming from the side (in my blind spot) and attempted to say something to me, but I was so distracted talking to the girl that I didn't see him, so he left (my guy friend brought this to my attention and said he felt bad for Richard). I felt bad too, but only for a moment.

When I came back to my room I went to a girl's room who is a mutual acquaintance of Richard and me. Since she's a girl and I'm around her more, I'm closer to her. I had to get the scoop and she tells me that when I initially told her that I was interested in Richard, she was kind of apprehensive, because Richard is not the type of guy to get serious about girls. He's basically a womanizer and goes through women fast (I'm talking about sex here). She thinks that I'm too mature for him and that we want totally different things. And I agreed with her totally.

I figured that this would turn out like this. I knew that we were on two completely different levels, and I disregarded the signals because I had some hope. But, I think that's gone now. I told my guy friend about it, and he told me that I should not go by what someone else says, but that I should see for myself and then develop a judgment. I can see where he's coming from, but I can also see the reality in that if something is meant to be, it's going to be clear as day. There will be no gray areas. There is no confusion, but rather communication. And believe me, communication is out of the question for this one. He's just not ready. And I can't change that.

So, we'll see what later tonight holds and hopefully there will be no awkwardness. I'm intending to have a good time, with the people that make me happy. There's no holding back tonight. What is there to lose? I can't lose my mind, because clearly, I've already lost it.

Best (Wo)man...

2005-01-06T00:51:00.000-05:00

So, Eugene calls me up today and tells me, "I'm ready to make that step." I'm like, "Okay....What are you talking about?" He replies, "I'm ready to propose to my girlfriend. I'm planning on doing it in a couple of months. It's basically going to be a long engagement period though, that's if she says yes, which I believe she will." And then there is just silence. Eugene then says, "Hey, are you there? Why are you so quiet?"

As I sat there, trying to find the words to say, there was nothing that I really wanted to say to him. I just said, "Eugene, the choice is yours. Whatever I say should not dictate your actions. So, I'd rather not say anything." And of course, him being how he is, he basically begs me to tell him what's on my mind because he just knows that I have so much to say.

I then try to choose my words carefully and tell him how I feel. I essentially say that I feel that he is making a rushed decision and the fact that his girlfriend is only in her first year of college does not help. I tell him that he needs to make sure that the proposal is not out of selfishness (a way of him trying to have a sense of security). I tell him, if anything, he needs to be focusing on graduating and becoming financially stable. And of course, he's defending himself to me the entire time, which I respond by saying that he does not have to defend himself to me. After a little more silence, a few words here and there, and a little probing on his part, I end up telling him that I'll support him no matter what; the choice is his.

After he jokingly mocks me, as he always does because he feels that he knows me so well (a lot of time he is correct, I admit, but it's still annoying), he tells, as he has before, that I'm his best friend. He then says that if it were normal, he would choose me as his 'Best Man' and that he thanks me for being supportive of him.

As always, I'm a little puzzled at the randomness of all this. I'm also puzzled that I have nothing more to say about it. I guess after a while of not having control, when more stuff that seems out of the ordinary comes to light, the easier it is to just let it roll off your shoulders. If I can't control it, why be stressed about it? I must keep reminding myself to just go with the flow. Maybe the grass is greener on the other side.

Psalm 130:5-6 (NIV)
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.

A watched pot never boils...

2005-01-05T04:31:00.000-05:00

I finished that romance novel about a week ago. It was pretty good. The main character reminded me a lot of myself, except she was way more aggressive when it came to pursuing a person of the opposite sex. And girlfriend sure did get her man in the end. I have to give her her props on that one. The title of this blog is a line that I took away from the book (apparently it's a saying that old folks use).

While the saying insinuates that when an individual has expectations, nothing ever results, I have an issue with it. Yeah, it's true when it comes to actually cooking that water never seems to boil rapidly while you're staring down at it, waiting. It always seems to happen when your back is turned-unexpectantly. This too applies to relationships. When you're sitting there waiting for someone to come into the picture, or better yet, waiting for a phone call or any other form of recognition from that special someone, it never seems to fail that time is never on your side.

But my question is: "If you don't look at the water, how do you know if it is boiling?" True, having expectations will set you up for disappointment, but if you don't have expectations, how will you be able to distinguish between trash and treasure? In a way, if you think about it, 'expectations' can be considered synonymous with 'standards.'

After just having a good long telephone conversation (something that I have not had in a long time) with a very close friend of mine, I realized that it's okay for me to feel the way that I feel when it comes to this whole ordeal. Now, me being how I am, I was trying to defend him (Richard); I was saying, "Well maybe he's just busy. No one ever responds to an emailed holiday card." Eugene told me that I was over analyzing and that everything would be fine-"Most people, especially boys, don't respond to those things." But then again, there is a thing called common courtesy. Especially after I've spilled my guts to him. The least he could do is give me some kind of response. A simple, "Just emailed/called you to say hey" would have sufficed. Or would it have really?

Knowing me, I probably would have wanted to know how he is really feeling; wondering if I altered his way of thinking by what I said to him. Because that's how I'm feeling now. I just want to be able to sit and talk to him, one-on-one (not via computer or phone). I want to be able to see not only how he'll respond to the subject when in the same room with me, but how I'll respond as well. I want to know, better yet, I want closure. Is that so much to ask?

This whole, "Stop analyzing!" is really difficult, not because that's what's 'normal' for a 'typical female' to do, but because that's just normal for me, period. So, you know what? You're just going to have to spare me. I can't help myself. Excuse me if I just happen to take a peek at the pot.

Mind boggling...

2004-12-27T22:58:00.000-05:00

Last night, or should I say early this morning, I had a phone conversation that literally made my brain hurt. It's so weird when you think that you know someone really well and all of a sudden that person does something that seems so extraordinary for his or her character. It kind of makes you think twice when defending someone's character because in reality you're thinking, "Do I really know this person?"

I just think what bugs me the most is that I know whomever I allow to be close to me are treasures (I only accept the best). They are capable of doing whatever they put their minds to. They are gifts from God, and the last time I checked, God does not give trash. So, when I see these 'diamonds' stooping down to 'cubic zirconia' tendencies, I can't help but to take a double take and wonder what the heck is going on.

But, regardless of what I may know or not know about the people that I consider close friends, I know that our relationships are deeper than whatever they choose to do with their lives. I love them no matter what. I might have to catch myself sometimes with how I respond to their seemingly foolish behavior, but that does not tarnish the fact that I genuinely care for them.

I realize that each person is different and what comes with that are different behavior styles. I may not behave a certain way, but that does not make me any better than my neighbor. All I can do is pray. Not only pray for those in my path, but also myself so that God can reveal to me where exactly I play into this whole thing. I just hope He will wipe away this confusion and replace it with peace and understanding.

It's okay to be selfish sometimes...

2004-12-27T03:37:00.000-05:00

Ya know, I thought about ending this whole blog thing. I too thought, "Maybe I need to keep these thoughts to myself. Nobody needs to know what's really going on in my head." But after getting online and contemplating writing my 'Final Blog,' I began to read my prior posts and realized that it's not about other people. When it comes down to it, it's about me.

If anything, these blogs help me get stuff out that I keep packed away in my mind. It's a stress reliever and a constant reminder of where I've come from, although it might not seem like there is any progress. But, whatever. It's soothing to read words from the past and know that I am a strong individual with words of encouragement within; it's nice to be encouraged by my own being. So, I shall continue this blogging thing. It might not be often that I write, but it will be when I feel the need to. It's my time.

So, what's been up in my world? A lot has happened with me in the past month. A LOT. I have learned a lot about myself and my values. God has showed me that He has an annointing over me, because I have truly been and felt 'set apart.' And He has reminded me that it's not always going to be easy-this thing called 'Life.' There are nights that I just question, "God, why me?" And there is always something or someone that reminds me that this place is not my home, so I am never going to be truly content with how things operate down here. And what I can do is simply be that light that He has created me to be. Boy, it sure is hard! But, I'm still standing.

As far as my love life, or the lack of, I've learned a lot too. I have finally stepped out of my comfort zone and told someone how I truly feel about him. Well, I sounded and felt like a complete idiot, but the fact is, I did it and that's all that matters. Now, I sit here and I feel naked. I feel vulnerable, and I absolutely detest that feeling. In many ways, I wish I could take back everything I said, because now I'm wondering what he's thinking. I have not talked to him in a week. I sent him a holiday card via email, but received no response. All I can do is wait. God is truly testing my patience. So, me being me, I'm thinking in 'What If' mode, and there are no positive thoughts that come to mind. I think I messed up by telling him how I felt, and on top of that, by sending him an email that basically stated that I missed him and hope that he's having a good holiday break. I know that I'm probably deep in my Miss Analyzation mode, but I can't seem to get past that. I don't want to start 2005 with uneccessary stress on my mind, but then again, we don't always get what we want in life. I'm a true witness to that!!!

On top of all this, Jenee is in a new relationship with a guy who is very much so the ideal guy. I can imagine her glowing smile simply by her tone of voice through the phone. Just like her last boyfriend, I can see how this is going to play out. Every other word out of her mouth will consist of his name. Now, I'm not intentionally trying to rain on her parade; in all honesty, I'm really happy for her. I just think that I'm beginning to see how this relationship thing works.

When girls don't have a significant other, they tend to cling to their friends and talk about all kinds of things (guys are a main topic, of course), but gradually each girl begins to find someone that occupies her time and constant thoughts. When this happens, girls are so caught up with 'my man' that they are forgetful of life outside of a relationship. So, what am I feeling? I guess I'm scared. I'm scared of not being able to talk to Jenee about what I'm feeling because I don't want to make her lose her 'high' feeling. I admit that I'm jealous that I don't have someone to constantly brag about. And I'm terrified that if I get in a relationship, that I'll fall into the same pattern that so many other girls do, and have my life revolve around 'my man.' You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Don't you just love it?

It's funny, as I type this thing, I feel like Carrie Bradshaw from 'Sex and the City.' You would think that me being the Christian girl that I am, that I would detest the vulgarity of that show, but I absolutely love it!!! The truth is, beyond the surface of sex, those women are just like any other woman in our society. Each desires to be loved for who she truly is. Each is afraid of not living a fulfilling life. Each is searching for something. But most importantly, each person is real. That's it! They're all real, and that's what I like. There is no 'fake factor.' What you see is what you get. As I've matured, I refuse to judge someone else because behind each person there is a story. But I must say, I have much respect for those who are real than for those who portray something that they are not. And the sad thing is, there are a lot of fake people walking around aimlessly in this world.

So, I sit here....I think I'll go read myself to sleep like I have been for the past few nights. It should be of no surprise that it's a romance novel. I feel so much better right now because I've gotten a lot of stuff off my chest through this blog. This is a form of therapy for me. And I've come to accept that I'm not as abnormal as I sometimes think I am. We all have our hang ups; some, more than others. When it comes down to it, I'm just human.

I find it hard to say...

2004-11-29T22:42:00.000-05:00

As I sit here at my desk, my 3-foot Christmas tree glistening to my left and the stereo playing Patti Labelle Christmas music, I find it hard to figure out what to write. It's like I'm at a loss for words. Everything is going well with me; it just seems like there is nothing that I feel is crucial to share. Life is life and I'm living it. But, since I know that will not suffice, I must write about something. So, I ask for your forgiveness beforehand because what you are about to read is nothing spectacular. Here it goes...

It was nice to have a week long Thanksgiving break, especially since the week before it seemed like the busiest week of my life. So, on that Friday night I decided to go to the apartment of a friend of a friend of mine; I had never met the guy. So, I walk up in this apartment and the guy that I don't know (Steve) has all kinds of alcoholic beverages sitting on his kitchen counter and he says, "Feel free to help yourself." So, me being the kind of girl that I am say, "Okay." And I start by taking a shot of something in a green bottle, and then pour myself a glass of wine.

You know how you tend to get warm when you start drinking? That's how I felt. I had to tell Steve to open up the window because I was truly feeling it. So there we are, a total of five us sitting there and we begin to play poker (although I really don't know how to play, I sure ended up winning quite a few games; nope, we didn't bet money). As we play, I end up getting up and taking a shot here and there and drinking some more wine. I didn't realize I could hold that much liquor. I drank an entire bottle of wine by myself in addition to about 6 shots I had!!! I truly was tipsy. Let me go on and admit it. I was drunk!

It's very interesting (that drunken feeling). It's like you're trying to tell yourself that you feel fine, that you have it all together, that it's just your mind playing games, but in reality you know that you drank too much, but you act as if you're normal. Does that make sense? It's like I'm in a play and in reality, I'm a drunken actress who has the role of playing a sober young lady. I didn't act completely crazy or anything, but clearly I was the only one who consumed too much to drink and I was laughing so much. Eugene told me that it's apparent that when I'm drunk I revert to childhood because as he drove me home, I was reading all of the road signs saying, "You see? I can read!!!"

I truly felt the after effects the next morning. I think I got that out of my system. I'm not looking forward to doing that again anytime soon. However, Eugene told me yesterday that Steve called him and asked when we all were going to come back to his place again because he wants us to come again really soon. So, who knows what this weekend might hold. Hopefully, if we go back over there, I'll act like I have some sense this time.

I went to Arkansas for the Thanksgiving break along with my family. It was nice to see my family, both close and extended. It's always nice to see my grandma (it's a blessing to have an elderly grandma who is in her right state of mind). It's so interesting to observe her children combing her hair and helping her get to the bathroom and assisting her in bathing. She absolutely hates that she's come to the point in her life that she has to rely on others. And I can't fathom how it feels to have those who you birthed and took care of for a large span of their lives to turn around and having them do the same things for you. It must be a humbling experience. I can only imagine.

Another thing that I was shocked about is how many of my cousins are not how I expected them to be. A few have stopped attending college and a couple of the young men actually have a child now, without being married. In some way, it kind of puts pressure on those who are actually pursuing a degree and are trying to live a straight and narrow life. I don't want to be another statistic. So, I have no choice but to keep my focus because I know I'll be mad at myself if I don't even live up to the standards I've set for myself.

So how's my love life, you ask? Well, it's the same. Nothing new. I told Eugene about the dinner discussion that Richard and I had, and Eugene tells me that Richard was using that as a test to see what my response would be. So, if that's the case, I failed that test. I also asked my cousin 'Evette' about the discussion, and she told me the same thing; it was a test. So she says that I need to stop playing games and just ask Richard if he's ever thought about us being more than friends and let the conversation flow from that. Do I really feel like doing that? NOPE! If it's meant to be, it will be.

Now, Richard did ask me before break if I was the bar type of girl because there are times that he goes to the bar and he wants to invite me to come along with the people that he goes with, but he always thinks that I would not have a good time, so he doesn't call me. I told him that I'm open to going with him and he should ask me next time and I'll give him an answer. He responded, "Excellent! I will ask you." And that was the end of that. So, we'll see if he'll ask me someday and I'll just have to see how I feel when he does choose to ask me in order to decide if I go or not. Don't you just love stubborn 'ole me? I know.

I think that's actually about everything that's going on with me. I actually wrote much more than I expected.

There's a special somebody's birthday in eight days. I'm so excited for her. I'm also happy at the fact that I actually still get to talk to her because there are so many people that do not talk to their close friends from high school. But, I'm grateful that I don't fall into that category when it comes to her. She is a blessing, whether she realizes it or not. And I thank God for her.

Keepin' it real...

2004-11-12T03:33:00.000-05:00

Okay. So, where do I begin?........

I'll start with last Friday. I traveled along with the gospel choir to a statewide gospel conference. I was really reluctant in going because quite honestly, I was tired and did not feel like being bothered with people for an entire weekend. But, I pushed all that aside and went into the trip with an open mind.

The first night was a great time; a good speaker, some decent food, and some wonderful fellowship with not only my own choir members, but with members from other choirs too (including, let's call him, infamous Mr. Cornelius). By the way, he asked about my lovely friend Lee. I told him that she was well. He proceeded to say that he had seen Lee on television and was shocked with what he saw; needless to say, he had a jolly good time talking about Lee. But, I stuck up for my friend. That's what friends are for.

Let's get back on track here. On Saturday, I experienced a message that caused me to feel a way that I have never felt before. The speaker is well known for his controversial messages, and after listening, I can clearly see why. Although I agreed with his message in some regards, I was disturbed by his message also. It came to a point where I started to get a little upset because his message insinuates that as Christians, we have to prove our Christianity to fellow believers. I feel that my personal relationship with God is proof enough and just because I may listen to certain music artists, does not mean that I am any less of a Christian. The last time I checked, my God is a mighty God and because of my faith, He will not allow for the enemy to attack my spirit because it's not the devil's to attack - it's the Lord's. Jesus is my homeboy. He's got my back.

Now, don't get me wrong. I learned a lot from that message. I learned that I need to be more aware of what I allow to penetrate my mind by doing more research. I need to educate myself because there is no excuse for not knowing. So, I actually appreciate the speaker for speaking about what he did this past weekend. May God bless him.

I did more singing at that conference than what I had ever done before. I'm surprised that I did not lose my voice. And the awesome part is that on Sunday, the choirs were absolutely incredible. God's presence was truly in the atmosphere. It's so encouraging to see college students boldly glorifying God through song and giving Him praises through various forms of ministry and not be bashful about it. My soul was truly blessed.

My week has been really busy. It's like I have so much coming up that my mind seems to be getting cloudy. I hate it when it does that because I can feel the stress creeping up. Hopefully I can get that out of my system and be efficient in getting everything together.

So, today I ate at the dining hall with Mr. Richard. He tells me that he heard through a mutual associate of ours that she thought we were dating. Richard informed her that we were just friends. And as I sat there across from him as he laughed about it, I too said, "I can't believe she said that. Just because we hang out does not mean that something is going on." And the weird thing is, I didn't feel really bad about saying that. I learned a little bit more about Richard while eating and I can see that we would probably do much better as being friends than anything else. And I really think I'm cool with that. Of course, I might feel differently tomorrow, but I think I just need friends right now. I don't feel like having pressure and I definitely don't need it right now.

So, in spite of all the chaos in my life, I must say that I'm happy~boys or no boys, life will move on and I'll still be growing, which is most important. And I totally agree, I don't need to do anything because once a girl steps over the line and tries to be the initiator, she get's in trouble. I learned at the conference (well I was reminded) that it is the guy's job to pursue and the girl's job just to be pursued. A girl can't be pursued if she's on top of the guy; she's just in the way then. So, I'll just sit here and allow whoever is going to pursue me to get to working, 'cause I ain't doin' nothin' but sittin' here and keepin' it real. You feel me?

Butterflies...

2004-11-02T20:56:00.000-05:00

So, I got on here to write something earlier. Clearly, I had nothing to write about because I've said everything already. However, as I pondered what to write because it's been a while, I received an IM from someone. It was Richard. He asked me what was going on and asked if I wanted to go to a cafe and study ("They have $1.00 off mochas for those who voted today!!!"). Seeing that I enjoy spending time with him and have been thinking about a way to spend more time with him without putting myself out there too much, I accepted the invitation.

As we walked the distance to the place, conversation was rather predictable: "How are you? How's school? How's the job treating you? Who'd you vote for? " Now, I knew this was coming, but I did not expect him to come out and straight up ask me like that. I responded by saying that I did not like discussing that issue and he's like, "Come on. Tell me." So, eventually he figures out who I voted for by asking round about questions. And of course, his vote was completely opposite from mine. But, we did not dwell on that. He said, "I think the candidate that I didn't vote for is going to win." And I said, "No, I think the person who you voted for is going to win." Then we both sat there and said, "I hope you're right." That was quite funny. As I sat there laughing, I began to think that I can get over his difference in political views; after all, everything can't be perfect.

So, while we sat there 'studying,' Richard kept on being his ADD type self. He cannot keep still or concentrate for too long worth anything! We talked about a lot of things in the short amount of time that we were there. While we're talking, he says, "You should come along on Monday night to a bar with me and some friends. Yep, you're coming." And I'm sitting there thinking, "Dang, do I even have a choice in this?" But I must say, I was happy that he invited me to go out next Monday. I told him that I'm writing it down in my planner and he said, "Do it." So, we shall see how that one will go.

While I keep getting the 'friend' vibe from him, I'm still wondering if something else could be there from his end. Because I know I'm feeling something else. As we walked back, some guy he knew from where he lives saw him and began to walk with us. So much for talking some more. Anyway, eventually I had to take a different path to go back to my place. As I said goodbye to the two of them, Richard said, "Wait a second. Give me a hug. We should do this again sometime." And I smiled and said, "Yeah, we should."

(Butterflies) I can't help it. So, I guess there's some progress. And I did not even have to initiate it. So, what's next????? Inquiring minds want to know. And I, myself, am the main one.

Silence is golden...

2004-10-28T18:30:00.000-04:00

I received a telephone call very late last night that the father of a freshman girl I know was being rushed to the hospital because of a sudden problem with his heart. Needless to say, this was unexpected and the young lady was very distraught about the situation. After she consulted with a few friends at the University, she was advised to not travel home until it was necessary. An hour or so later, her family called her and beckoned her to come home because the situation did not look good at all. Early this morning, the girl's father passed away...

Now, I have heard nothing but great things about this man. He was a strong Christian with the biggest heart that anyone could possibly have. When I heard about what was going on in this young lady's life from a close friend of mine (let's call her Jenee), I could not say anything. While this would normally bug me; that I can't seem to have the proper words to give in a time of need to those who are hurting, it did not bother me today. All I could do was listen. And I recall a time where silence would absolutely bug the heck out of me. But as I've grown and matured, I've come to find that sometimes, silence is what's needed.

Another friend called me extremely upset at the fact that she did not know what to do about the situation, what to say, or how to make things better. As I sat there on the phone in silence, I began to realize that many times, just that silence is the necessary help at the moment. God will use you when He sees fit. And believe me, He knows which situations that you're capable of exerting the strength that He requires, and He knows when He needs you to just physically and emotionally be there. He's wired us all differently to fulfill certain purposes and although we may feel useless sometimes, we are useful to Him. That gives me a sense of hope and security.

After all of that, with tears falling down my face, I had the urge to call my daddy this morning just to hear his voice and hear him breathing. So often, I take the fact that he is alive, well, and active in my life for granted. And quite frankly, it's sad that it takes a situation like this to make me aware that what I have is so precious. I am a blessed young lady to have always had my father in my life and not just physically have him there, but to have him there for mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical support. I love him and I cannot imagine a day without my daddy. I know that there will be a time where God will begin to remove those near and dear to me and take them home to be with Him, and who knows, He might take me first; I just hope that I'm ready. But, all in all, I thank God for blessing my family and friends to see another day and for giving me another chance to say, 'I love you.'

Help is on the way...

2004-10-23T06:52:00.000-04:00

I can't help but to sit and think of Kirk Franklin's lyrics to one of his older songs~'It's Over Now.' "It's over now. It's over now. I feel that I can make it. The storm is over now."

I feel good and I'm being truly genuine when I say that. Earlier this week, as you know, I was not feeling like 'myself' at all. And now, I know why...

There are times in our lives where we go through things and feel absolutely horrible. And some of those times, we may not be going through anything at all and still feel that horrible feeling. I am a witness of the latter. God has a way of using people when they are empty. We as humankind may be thinking that the trials that we are going through are a punishment and often question God's reasoning for allowing certain things to happen to us. But, do you ever realize that through your test, God is going to allow you to minister to someone else's spirit, which will ultimately result in your spirit being blessed? It's so awesome how God works!!!

When I was feeling down and out this week, I did not feel like talking to anyone. But, there came a point where a close friend of mine came to me~I was trapped; I had no other choice but to open my door. And then it happened. Eugene was going through some hard stuff himself, and I, being the 'good' friend that I am, sat there and listened to his troubles. Eugene stopped in mid-sentence and asked me why I had a smirk on my face. To tell you the truth, I don't really know. But, I think it was my spirit that was actually smirking, because it knew that something was about to happen. All of a sudden, I found myself saying things to my friend that I would not have normally said to him. I mean, it was apparent that God was using my mouth to say some things to Eugene that he had been wrestling with God about. I talked for about an hour and afterwards, there was a clear change in Eugene. He was happy and satisfied with the confirmation that he had received through what came from my mouth. Clearly, I too was amazed because quite frankly, Eugene had said some things to me a couple of days before that left a sour taste in my mouth. But somehow, God used me, inspite of my emptiness and bitterness to help a weary soul. And because of my obedience to Him, my soul was truly blessed in return. I can ask for nothing more.

I have witnessed similar incidences all week pertaining to people being used in spite of their emptiness. And God has truly shown Himself strong. A few hours ago, I found myself at the apartment of a few of my close friends. As I sat on the couch talking to two of the girls, the other friend came from out of her room absolutely upset about a very devastating situation. The girl was crying so heavily and then she began to do something strange. Now, my friend is a Christian, but she has always had trials come up in her life. She's one of those people that it seems like everything wrong that could possibly happen to someone happens to her. And last night was no exception. My friend began to yell out to God, "Leave me alone! I'm tired of you bothering me! Stop messing with me! You don't want me! Just let me go! Choose someone else, Lord! I'm tired! I'm so very tired!!! Lord, WHY?!!!"

I was at a standstill, not able to say a word. All I could do was put my hand on my friend's back, while the other two friends put their hands on her too. And all of a sudden, the tone changed in my friend's words. She began to praise God. I mean, sincere earnest praise. She began to pray like I have never heard anyone pray before; she began the prayer by sincerely praying for her enemies~this is something that she would not normally do. And let me tell you, the chains fell last night. And the spirit of the Lord filled that apartment. All of us sobbed, praised, and enjoyed the peaceful spirit in that room. It was absolutely incredible. And that experience confirmed that there is no such thing as a coincidence or accident. Everything happens for a reason.

You may be struggling right now, but let me tell you honey, God has not forgotten about you. He will never leave you or forsake you. He's made that promise in His word. So, when you feel that you can't go on, when the world seems like it is against you, when your spirit is lost and sad, I implore you to keep your head up because you are not forgotten. God is not a forgetful God. In Him there is no failure. Keep holding on. Jesus is wanting you to take His hand and trust that He will not let you go. I leave you with these words to a song, I think I had you listen to a couple of years ago...

"I need you. You need me. We're all a part of God's body. Stand with me. Agree with me. We're all a part of God's body. It is His will that every need be supplied. You are important to me; I need you to survive.

I pray for you. You pray for me. I love you. I need you to survive. I won't harm you with words from my mouth. I love you. I need you to survive. It is His will that every need be supplied. You are important to me; I NEED YOU TO SURVIVE."

*You are not your circumstance! Keep your head up, beautiful. Help is on the way!!!

I'll let my tears do the talking...

2004-10-20T04:30:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling really blah. I've been feeling like this for the past two days. I mean I can't explain the way I feel right now. It's like I'm staring at the world and watching it through a video camera, and I'm not happy with what I see. I feel like I'm living outside of my body. People can make funny comments, and I won't laugh. I'll hear somone say something that clearly is sad, and I'm emotionless. It's even so bad that if I see a squirrel scurrying across the grass, I wish I could be in its body just to not have to be in mine. I'm just tired right now-tired of everything, and I don't know why.

Tonight, I found myself crying. Tears just falling from my eyes as if I had received some horrible news or something. And I don't know why I was crying. All I know is that my soul was not at ease and that no one could make it better. I did not want to talk to anyone, not even my closest friends. I was agitated and I didn't know why.

What's wrong with me?

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. ~ Romans 8:25-27 (NIV)

As with this scripture, maybe there's something wrong within me that I cannot personally put words to it. Maybe I mentally don't know what's wrong, but my spirit knows what's wrong. And it's my spirit talking for me to the Father above because I can't find the words to say. So, as I cry even right now as I type this, I hope my tears are clear enough for God to interpret. I don't want to feel like this, Lord. So, please listen to what my spirit is saying through my tears and make it all better. I don't like not knowing what's wrong with me. I don't like this feeling.....

Open the eyes of my heart...

2004-10-14T02:46:00.000-04:00

So, it's been a week since I've written a blog. And quite frankly, I must admit that I miss it. Yeah, my friend (let's call her Lee) has gotten me addicted and right now I feel obliged to write one of these for that faithful reader out there. You know who you are.

This week has been an interesting one. It's so funny how one moment you can be all happy with the world and the next you can just be all confused, angry, and frustrated. I've been trying to figure out my emotions in all aspects of my life. It's not my time of the month, so I know that's not a possibility. I've been blaming it on the sudden change in weather, but I think there's more to it than that.

I have heard some quite interesting remarks from various individuals this week in regards to their perceptions of me. One in particular that I never even thought about was what my friend told me one night, "Miss Analyzation, you're a lot like the King James Version Bible-no matter how intriguing it may be, it is a very hard read, just like yourself." I probably did not quote this accurately, but it was something of that essence. Anyway, I never thought about how other people view me in regards to the way I think. I mean, I've never put myself in other people's shoes to see how they might perceive me; I know that's selfish. Such a simile (wow, I'm using English grammar vocabulary from way back in the day) comparing me to the Book of Life really hits home and makes me want to open up a bit to allow people to see my true colors shine through. And I thought that was going to be my only epiphany for the week...

So, last night was the first time where I've actually had a three hour telephone conversation until 3:00 in the morning with someone and not be totally agitated or bored because of the time or the subject matter being discussed. So, my best guy friend calls me up very upset about a situation that is tugging at his spirit. Let's call this friend Eugene; "that's Eugene with an E." Now, I'm used to Eugene consistently calling me to talk about his personal issues because he considers me to be a close friend. But, I was not expecting the conversation to take the shift that it did. He began talking about himself, then all of a sudden his tone changes and the subject focus begins to be about me. Let's take a couple of steps back for a second...

I have always prayed for God to tell me what He wants of me while I inhabit this earth. I pray, then I continue to live my life. I now realize that I always ask God to show me things, but do I ever really allow myself to be receptive to what He may be trying to tell me? I am now aware that I am so caught up in my comfort that by even the slightest glimpse of discomfort, I clam up. It just seems natural for me.

And this is what Eugene brought to my attention. He said that he sees that I have a genuinely sweet spirit and that although I may get on his nerves many a times, there is something about my spirit that he cannot help but to be attracted to my spirit. I must say that this coming from his mouth truly warmed my spirit because I am so accustomed to people confusing my personality. Because in all honesty, I have a sincere love for people. I really can't explain that, but I do. And this makes me think even more. Eugene then proceeded to say that he feels that God has a plan for my life in which I'm going to be dealing with people because He has equipped me with certain gifts. I too agree with this statement. It makes no sense for me to have the qualities that I have for nothing. God is going to use them; in what way, I still don't know.

Then what really got me was when Eugene told me that my problem is that I am so caught up on maintaining 'the face' rather than being real. I mean, he sat there through the phone, opened his bible and read a passage of scripture as I read along with him. In essence, the scripture illustrated that a woman was considered truly blessed when she humbled herself before the Lord to the point where her comfort was not the issue, but rather glofifying God was her goal. And this is when God spoke to her and blessed her abundantly. After that, Eugene told me God has a habit of speaking to people in ways that they are not accustomed to; I began to think about the various stories in the Bible that verify this thought and I too agreed. And then I thought about my life over the past year and the many situations that were 'odd' in my eyes, but ended up being something that benefitted my soul and I then began to realize that I'm thinking about everything in the wrong way.

Just because something, someone, or anything does not fit into your standard, does not mean that it's not what you're supposed to have at that moment. Your standards for your life are not God's standards for you. This is confirmed in Isaiah 55:8~ "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.

"You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth?"~(Galatians 5:7) God wants obedience from us. That's all He asks. And yet we make it so difficult for ourselves and start pointing fingers. Am I really ready to hear what God is trying to tell me as much as I say I am ready? Because clearly, I know He's trying to get my attention. In response to the question posed in the previous scripture, I'm afraid that I alone am the one actually preventing myself from successfully completing the purpose that God has for me. God is probably standing right there with the answer, and I'm so stuck on nonsense that I won't even allow myself to hear from Him. How sad is that?

Lord, I thank you for Your patience when dealing with me and I just take this moment to ask that You open the eyes of my heart so I can earnestly receive what you have in store for me...

Same ol' sad song...

2004-10-07T01:08:00.000-04:00

The moment you think that you have someone out of your system, that person has a way of getting your mind all messed up anyway, especially when you find that your heart nearly jumps out of your body at the sight of him. You must then ask yourself, "Come on. Are you really being honest with yourself?" Can anyone relate to this?

I don't want to like anyone right now. I don't feel like having my emotions tossed to and fro.' I don't like the feeling of not having control of everything, including my feelings. But the sad thing is, I think that I've already lost it.

I think what's bothering me the most is the thought that this 'liking' could potentially be one-sided. I'm afraid to find out how Richard truly feels. If he does happen to like me, I'm scared that I'll freak out because I've never been in a situation where I've been sincerely desired for who I am and not what I can seemingly offer. But on the other side of the coin, I'm scared to find out that Richard has no feelings for me whatsoever because yet again it'll be the same ol' sad song of my life.

So, I sit here trying to figure out what to do. The Lord only knows what will bring music to my soul. I wish He could just hurry up with it. I apologize for that thought, Lord. But as always, I will continue to give You the praise because when all is said and done, I know that You are the true lover of my soul. I thank You for who You are and for the great blessing that I know You have in store for me. I will continue to be faithful to turn to You when I find myself in doubt, because I know You are not the author of confusion and that You desire nothing but the best for Your people. Although I might not always acknowledge You as I should, I just want to say, I love you. Please grant me wisdom, oh Lord.

No Expectations...

2004-10-03T05:01:00.000-04:00

I was once told that if you don't have expectations, you won't have disappointments. Which, after pondering this thought, I have come to realize it makes a lot of sense. So, before even going to the movies with this guy last night (let's name him Richard), I made up my mind that I would not go into the night 'expecting' anything.

Now, the weird thing about Richard is that he flirts a lot, I mean A LOT. It's one of those kind of things where a girl can't help but be confused because she doesn't know if he is kidding around or actually being serious. But, I'm trying not to read into that too much.

I don't know. It's weird. One moment, I'm like, "I like this guy." And the next, I'm like, "He's a cool 'friend' to have." And that's what I'm trying to keep in my mind-'friend' because I know how I tend to operate when I start to think of a guy as boyfriend potential; I begin to have expectations. Yeah, I admit it.

But anyway, after the horrible movie. Let me say that again-HORRIBLE, I drove Richard back to his place (we flipped a coin to see who would drive and I lost). Before getting out of the car, he hugged me and rubbed his scruffy face against my neck; he's doing the rugged look right now. Although I am typically a clean cut type of gal, the scruffy look actually kind of works for him.

But all in all, at the end of the night, I did not feel one hint of disappointment. Because in all honesty, I think he'll be a friend rather than anything else that my imaginative mind might conjure up. And anyway, I'm satisfied in knowing that I can have a person of the opposite sex who makes me feel good through his words and gestures without my emotions getting all crazy.

As bedtime approaches, I have no special individual to fantasize about. But I'm okay with that. It's nice to have dreams about dreams. Does that make any sense? It does to me. I wonder what's around the corner for me...Lord grant me patience, so I won't be tempted to take a peek. Come what may; let Thy will be done. Amen.

It's not about me...

2004-09-28T18:55:00.000-04:00

Seeing that we all have been programmed since birth that being selfish is the primary way to succeed in life, my rational is probably not the most popular. I have always been the type of person who tends to look deep into things. I guess you could call me Miss Analyzation. I'm always searching for the deeper meaning behind everything because I feel that everything happens for a reason; God knows that He's doing eventhough it might sometimes seem like complete chaos to us.

When dealing with the opposite sex, many issues can potentially arise. Especially when dealing with a Miss Analyzation and a guy who seems to 'go with the flow.' The girl is always trying to figure out what exactly is her purpose in the situation: is this a fling, relationship, or just fun and games? And of course, the guy cannot give a straight answer because he has not taken the time to figure out what exactly he wants out of life anyway. So, everything is up in the air, until the girl is put in a situation where if she is to remain in the chaos, she will ultimately be forced to compromise herself. But, seeing that that is rule #1 in the girl's book: "I will not compromise myself for anyone," the question is, "What will the next chapter bring?"

So, the guy must do what he feels is best and remove himself from the situation (he does not want to be the one held at fault for Miss Analyzation's contemplation of compromise). And although this might seem to be a burden lifted off her shoulders, the poor girl feels as if her heart has been broken in two. She just doesn't understand how so much emphasis could be placed on what society deems as 'right' and wonders will there ever be a day when her Prince will find her and accept her values as being as precious as pure gold. She just wants to give her love and not worry about the love she so desires being stripped away. So, her head hangs low for a season.

But God has a way of turning things around. If not for Miss Analyzation, then for the guy. As time passes, communication ends between the girl and the guy, until one day Miss Analyzation realizes that she has some information that will change the guy's life in a positive manner. When she contacts the guy, he states that he was actually praying for that type of news. After some time, the guy's life completely turns around in his favor (nothing seemed to be going right for him during that year's worth of time). But now, when listening to his voice via the telephone, Miss Analyzation can hear a smile through his words. She is happy for the guy.

Whether we see it or not, God may be using what you are going through right now, not completely for your favor, but so that someone else will walk into a wondrous blessing in the future. And believe, that when seeing how awesome God is to allow you to be used in His blessing business, your outlook on life will surely change for the better.

So, Miss Analyzation continues to wait, not so much for selfish reasons, but for what God has in store through His divine plan. Who knows what's going to happen next. But until then, she will be W8ingPatiently.....

There's a 1st for everything...

2004-09-27T01:48:00.000-04:00

So, I've never done anything like this before. It's kind of weird to know that this is actually on the Internet and that people could potentially be reading this. I'm not the type of person to tell my business or allow anyone to get too close to me. However, I've been told that I need to alter that mentality so that I can truly experience life. Will I finally accept the challenge and get outside of my comfort zone? What exactly am I afraid of? Rejection would be the common answer to that, but for some reason, I think it's deeper than that. Am I really wanting to find out why I feel the way I feel? Am I ready? Too bad I don't know the answer to that. Well, I guess I do, because it can clearly be answered with a 'yes' or 'no.' Sadly enough, I do know the answer. I just don't feel like opening that door right now. Maybe one day. Until then.....