Headache...

My head hurts. Not in the actual physical sense, but in the 'there is too much thinking going on' sense. This whole Richard thing is getting to me, and I'm about to say "Time's up. Gotta move on!!!"

Last night I was invited over to his place. Also there were his guy friend whom I know, and his ex-girlfriend. Yes, I said ex-girlfriend; the one whom he once told me "We're just friends." Now, of course I didn't say too much the entire night. I was too busy observing. To tell you the truth, I wish I were not the type to analyze everything. It makes me sick to my stomach.

First of all, I think the two are more than "just friends." If he's feeling that way, I don't think she is. Girls have a way of reading other females, and I'm reading something contrary to friendship. You know when girls say things in subtle ways to portray a hidden message without blatently saying it; whether this is conciously or sub-consciously? Well, this girl was all about making sure that it was known that she knew where everything was in his room (even stuff in drawers), what type of files are on his computer, and how he responds to all the situations that they've encountered together. I don't know about anyone else, but the relationships that I have with my guy friends are strictly friendly. I might know some secrets and things, but I make it a point to keep everything strictly 'friendly.' And then again, I must accept that they have been romantically involved, more than likely even sexually involved (there's definitely some kind of sexual tension in the air).

So anyway, as the night progresses with us playing various games, the ex proceeds to dose off on the couch. Richard is sitting in the middle on the couch while I sit on the other side of him. Richard begins to playfully mess my hair up (which kind of annoys me), rubbing on my back and shoulders, poking me in my side, and putting his arm around me. Now, this is really awkward for me because the girl is in the same room with me, and there is his guy friend and another guy friend who came over later sitting across from us. And I'm thinking, "Dang, what am I doing here? Clearly, I'm a minority in this group." And I can't help but wonder what is everyone else thinking.

The night ends with myself and the other two guys leaving around 1:00 in the morning, and the ex left behind sleeping on the couch. Richard said that he'd wake her up as we left. He gives me one of those lingering hugs and says that he's glad that I came over and hopes that I enjoyed myself. And I'm like, "Yeah, I had a great time. Thanks."

This morning I go to see him while he's at work and he again asks if I enjoyed myself and asked if I bored him because he didn't want to seem like he was wasting my time. I told him that I had a nice time and that no, he didn't waste my time. And he responds, "Good."

Early this afternoon, I was talking to some friends of mine and we decided that we wanted to go out tonight and play some pool or something. One of my friends suggested that I invite Richard. And I took his advice and asked him. Richard responded that he didn't have any money to go out because he's trying to save it to pay his bills. I don't know why I did this, but I told him that I'd cover him this time. And he's like, "Really? Thanks buddy!" Then he says, "Can I invite the ex (he really said her name) and my other guy friend (the same one from last night that I too know)?" My guy friend tells me that I should tell him to invite them because he wants to be able to feel out Richard's ex to see what's really going on. I love my friends. So, I went on ahead and told him, "Sure."

Tonight, I went to the dining hall with the same guy friend and as we're sitting there joking around and laughing, guess who walks into the dining hall.....Richard and his ex. He waves in my direction and I wave back. Apparently as a girl from another table came up to my table and started talking to me, Richard was coming from the side (in my blind spot) and attempted to say something to me, but I was so distracted talking to the girl that I didn't see him, so he left (my guy friend brought this to my attention and said he felt bad for Richard). I felt bad too, but only for a moment.

When I came back to my room I went to a girl's room who is a mutual acquaintance of Richard and me. Since she's a girl and I'm around her more, I'm closer to her. I had to get the scoop and she tells me that when I initially told her that I was interested in Richard, she was kind of apprehensive, because Richard is not the type of guy to get serious about girls. He's basically a womanizer and goes through women fast (I'm talking about sex here). She thinks that I'm too mature for him and that we want totally different things. And I agreed with her totally.

I figured that this would turn out like this. I knew that we were on two completely different levels, and I disregarded the signals because I had some hope. But, I think that's gone now. I told my guy friend about it, and he told me that I should not go by what someone else says, but that I should see for myself and then develop a judgment. I can see where he's coming from, but I can also see the reality in that if something is meant to be, it's going to be clear as day. There will be no gray areas. There is no confusion, but rather communication. And believe me, communication is out of the question for this one. He's just not ready. And I can't change that.

So, we'll see what later tonight holds and hopefully there will be no awkwardness. I'm intending to have a good time, with the people that make me happy. There's no holding back tonight. What is there to lose? I can't lose my mind, because clearly, I've already lost it.