What's the purpose of this blog? Good question. I haven't the slightest idea. But I'm just going to let it flow and allow my fingers to follow a groove on there own until my hands decide that they're tired and my mind has nothing else to give.
What's new with me? It always has to come back to relationships, or rather, the lack there of. Moore and I haven't talked in about a week and basically it's because I've gotten fed up with receiving less thanI deserve. He doesn't really know that's the reason; to him, I just had an attitude one day and he didn't feel like dealing with it; so I told him the choice is his to call me and I haven't called him since. But what really opened my eyes was by what my father told me the day after Valentine's day, or rather, what he asked me:
"So...you get any flowers or candy from a guy?" I respond, "No." He says, "So, Moore didn't send you anything at all?" And again, after pausing for a bit, I say, "Nope." And here's what got me, "So, you're telling me that you put so much effort into expressing your feelings to this guy through a heartfelt gift during Christmas, and he didn't have enough heart to send you not even a card on the day that all people know symbolizes a day of expressing how you feel about the ones you care about?" And I say, "No. He didn't send anything. But, he's probably upset with me about something. So I wasn't expecting anything from him." There I go with making excuses for the inexcusable.
He was absolutley right; I love my dad. And the more I communicate with Moore, well, I wouldn't even call it communication, it always ends up with some form of snide remarks or sarcasm given on his end at my expense, and I feel worse when I get off the phone with him than when I began. And I'm not feelin' that at all.
After having a discussion with my boss about it, she even comfirmed something by saying, "I don't know why I keep getting this message for you.....Why do we hold on to things when we know we need to let them go?" And then she asked me, "Do you feel that he's the one?" And I stuttered in my mind....if that's even possible, and said, "If you were to ask me that a couple of months ago, I would've told you, yes he's the one. But now, I'm beginning to see that he's no where near where I need him to be to even have the possibility of being considered him 'The Product.'
His potential was amazing. But now, he's not in school. He hasn't been going to church. He's basically stopped playing the piano, of which he would play consistently on a daily basis. He always has an attitude about something and his kindness is rarely shown verbally, and if so, it's very brief followed by something crazy said that voids out everything that was previously said. Enough is enough.
And it's bad when you sit there and have an hour talk to your dad about it. And I even talked to my brother who really surprised me. My mother called me today and said, "I don't know what you told your brother about that boy, but he's really ticked off and wants to go visit him over spring break and give him a piece of his mind. He's upset with you that you didn't even him the boy's telephone number so that he could call him and go off on him." And I'm thinking, wow, my brother really cares about me, and if everyone else sees an issue with Moore, it would only be stupid for me to continue to have that dream mentality in my head of something that is not even on my level at this moment.
Meanwhile, I've been talking to a guy on a regular basis on the telephone. I'll call him, Taylor. Well, I finally met him face-to-face on Saturday evening. He stopped to meet me on his way back to school from visiting home. So, my initial plan was to have him in a public place, just to prevent any awkward stuff, but I went ahead and brought him to my room. All was fine. We talked, watched a movie, watched the rest of a TV movie, and watched a bit of TV. So, it's about 1230ish and he gets up to drive about one more hour to his school. And we hug....then it was that awkward point where you notice that the person wants to kiss you, but then you don't want to lean in to make it seem like you're being forward. So, we ended up kissing and then his hands started roaming...to which I was like, "You gotta go, man." And eventually, after kissing a bit more, I got him out of my room. He said he was going to call me tonight, which he actually did. But, he didn't bring up anything from last night. I mean, if I had welcomed it, I clearly knew what he wanted. So, I was waiting to see if he was going to bring up what happened last night in tonight's conversation. But, he didn't.
Now, that puts me at the point where I always get...the dilemna of either telling him now that I abstain for sex, or wait until he gets deeper into this whole getting to know me thing and bring it up. Who knows, he might've liked the fact that I didn't drop my drawls for him, because he likes to be challenged. One of my good guy friends, Marques, tells me that I need to tell him asap to prevent any misunderstanding. Geez, and our conversations are good. They're really good. And he hasn't ever brought up the subject of sex or relationships for that matter, which is odd. But then again, that could all be a part of 'the game.' I don't know. I guess we shall see about that one.
We've definitely lived two different lives. I've been raised pretty darn well and blessed with many opportunities that others could only imagine. And I can see that he hasn't done too much, but yet is a very positive, go with the flow type of person. He's really cool, but that still doesn't make up for that fact that he basically wanted to jump my bones after first meeting me. But that could've also been a test too or then again, his true colors shining through.
Alright, enough with all this thinking too hard crap. I think my minds shutting down now and my fingers are getting slower and slower. I just wanted to take a moment to keep you updated about what's going on with me. And it's nice to see that you're doing well yourself. I like that positive outlook you've taken on now. It compliments you well. =) You're in my thoughts. I love you. G'nite...
