"What are you doing here?"

You made me cry. Thank you for your prayers. I fasted for 24 hours and I can say that I am feeling better. I'm not completely right (I know that I still have to follow through with some things in order for me to feel content). But, I am feeling better.

My dad sent me an email yesterday that said, "Your scripture for the day: I Kings 19:9-18, Call me later and I'll explain....Love you, Dad" When I read that, I cried and I hadn't even opened my bible yet. I went straight to the Word and made my way through the verses as tears continued to flow from my eyes. God was clearly talking to me through that. I'm sure you'll read the scripture, but I'll still give a synopsis of the story.

So, the prophet Elijah was a well known prophet; he had done so many things in the name of the Lord (slaughtered many who were worshipping the false idol, Baal). But yet, there was one person who totally frightened Elijah. Her name (yes, she was a woman) was Jezebel. Jezebel was known for killing those who claimed to be prophets and she made it known that Elijah was her next victim. And Elijah ran.....

Now, Elijah was in a clear state of depression. He constantly slept so he wouldn't have to address his situation, and God kept having to wake Elijah up, commanding him to eat because he had to gain strength for the great journey before him. So, Elijah would eat, but then he would roll right back over and go to sleep. And God continued trying to get him to eat and go on with his journey.

Eventually God came right out and asked. "What are you doing here, Elijah?" This question was to get Elijah to examine why he was in the depression that he had fallen into. And Elijah answers God by telling Him that he has been on fire for the Lord and has done everything for Him, but people continue to do what is wrong, and he is scared for his life and feels all alone. And the Lord responds by telling Elijah to go to the top of a mountain. Clearly, God was about to set up a demonstration for Elijah, but Elijah was so caught up in his situation that he did not see the big picture.

So, at the mountain top there was a powerful wind that shattered the mountains, and earthquake, and a fire, but in all these occurences God's presence was not there. Then after the fire, the Lord speaks to Elijah in a soft whisper, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" Now, I interpret this as God trying to give Elijah the opportunity to change his previous answer. But again, Elijah doesn't get what God is trying to do and replies with the same answer. After that, God instructs Elijah to go and anoint various people to continue his divine plan.

So, what does all this mean? My dad basically told me that there is no reason for me to be feeling what I'm feeling. God has created me to be a strong individual and He's testing me right now to see if I am going to do what He is wanting me to do. I have been put in the situation I'm in for a reason, and instead of being depressed about it, He wants to me get up off my butt and do something about it. If I don't do it, God will more than likely give up on me and use someone else to complete His will.

I know how Elijah felt. I know how it feels to be scared of something so petty (I can't imagine having had killed many people in the name of the Lord and be scared that a measly woman will take my life.), but I know how if feels to be scared of what people will think and say. Yet, my God is supreme and I know He has my back. So, I'm continuing to ask God to give me the courage and the words.

I too had a discussion yesterday with someone I have not talked to in a while and she reinforced everything that I had heard from my parents' mouths. "Once you speak up, you'll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. You'll also realize that there are more people in your corner than you actually think." And she said it word for word how my parents said it the night before. I knew God was speaking to me. And I asked God to give me one more sign.....

At choir rehearsal last night, I had an absolutely marvelous time. We haven't had rehearsal in a while and just being in the same room with fellow Christians who love singing praises to God gives my soul such a renewal on every occasion. I thank God for that. The entire time, I was waiting for some type of word from Him, but I still hadn't gotten it. The songs were uplifting, but it wasn't what I was looking for. After rehearsal we had a meeting, and scripture was read.

I Thessalonians 4:9
Now about brotherliy love we do not need to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love each other....

The entire book of I Thessalonians is actually really encouraging. God is trying to show me that I just need to continue doing what I'm doing, just do it more. Love unconditionally. It's not hurting anyone, it's just spreading the light of Jesus as He desires. And I never thought that loving people would hurt so much. I just think it hurts when it's not returned. So, I'm praying harder than I've ever prayed before. "Lord, give me the words to express how I feel to those who I find so intimidating."

I can't wait to see you. It's been so long. It's been too long. And I feel closer to you now than I've ever felt before. You are not only my friend, you are the sister that I never had the opportunity to have. I love you for being you. And I encourage you.

I Thessalonians 5:9-11
For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Thank you.