Forgotten...
I'm not able to sleep like I want at night. I mean, I can get in the bed, but I just sit there, my thoughts racing. My heart is heavy. The tears that come are only surface tears, it's deeper than what my eyes let out. My heart is screaming, but it's as if it's mute; no one can hear it, not even my body to the point where it will alleviate some pressure by just allowing the tears to freely flow (one of those nasty crying moments, where your entire face becomes distorted and your body experiences sheer discomforting aches afterwards). I'm in need of that. But, nothing comes out.
Last night, Jenee went to Moore's room to fish for some more information. Moore hates being surprised. She stayed in his room for about three hours discussing what's going on with him. She told me that he was talking around her questions and not answering them directly. She could tell he was getting pretty antsy when she kept asking questions; he had to take out his keyboard and began playing in order to get some of his thoughts out. He was apparently answering her through song, but of course she could not interpret the answers. And it all came down to him asking her why was she the one asking him those questions. By some of the comments Jenee told me he made, it made me want to talk to him even more. Every inch of my being was on fire. I was angry, inspired, sick, humiliated, sad, puzzled, and happy all at once; if that's even possible. My conscience would not let me rest. So at 2:00am, I call Moore and tell him to come to my room.
He comes, looking like he's sleepy and is complaining the entire time he's in my room about how late it is. I explain to him that I really don't know what to say, but that I need to talk to him because I can't get any sleep over it. Sometimes we have to do things that we don't feel like doing." He says, "Well, I'm laying down. I'm going to fall asleep. You can talk to me while I sleep."
And my heart sinks. If he only knew how hard it is for me. If he only knew that I absolutely fear putting myself out there and not being accepted. He doesn't know the torment I experience of not having control over how I feel; because if it were my choice, I would be emotionless when it comes to all kinds of relationships just to run from pain and anguish. I'm a coward. I admit it. This is the one thing that I cannot seem to win at in my life. I have been so successful regarding everything else, but I cannot seem to succeed in opening myself up.
So, I ask Moore, "Are you willing to have a conversation and communicate with me right now, or do you want to leave." He basically says, "I think it would be better to have a conversation some other time. I'm too tired to have a discussion." I ask him if I should schedule a time in my calendar. He replies, "No. Just make sure that it's before 2:00am, 1:00am, 12:00am, or 11:00pm." I say, "Well goodnight." He says, "Maybe you should read your bible or something if you can't sleep. Goodnight. See ya." He leaves and I lay there in my bed, my pillow slowly dampening from the few tears that come for two hours and I get about an hour and a half of sleep before I wake up for classes.
Lee, it's so hard. And I'm not just talking about the situation. I'm talking about my heart. I'm trying to put myself out there. I'm trying to open up to people. I really feel like I'm trying. Then the door slams in my face. And the automatic reaction is for my heart to develop an extra covering, blocking all those who try to enter. My wall of defense increases. I become more cold, not even wanting anyone to touch me. It just happens and I become jaded.
I can understand that maybe I surprised him by wanting to talk that early in the morning. But the thing is, he could clearly see how bad I was bothered, and he didn't say or do anything. I wasn't in the mood for his sarcasm-patronizing me through his words. He made it seem like I was being an inconvenience. And I never say anything to him when I could clearly consider him to be an inconvenience, because I put all that aside when it comes to him. If he has an issue, or if any of my friends have an issue, time is not an issue, even when it seems like it could be a real inconvenience to me. Don't ever make me feel like I'm being an inconvenience, because I'll remove myself altogether to ensure I'm not an inconvenience ever again.
The more I think about it, the more vulnerable I feel. My heart needs a rest.
Avril Lavigne sums it up in "Forgotten:"
"I know I wanna run away
I know I wanna run away
Run away
If only I could run away
If only I could run away
Run away
I told you what I wanted
I told you what I wanted
What I wanted
But I was forgotten
I won't be forgotten
Never again"
Last night, Jenee went to Moore's room to fish for some more information. Moore hates being surprised. She stayed in his room for about three hours discussing what's going on with him. She told me that he was talking around her questions and not answering them directly. She could tell he was getting pretty antsy when she kept asking questions; he had to take out his keyboard and began playing in order to get some of his thoughts out. He was apparently answering her through song, but of course she could not interpret the answers. And it all came down to him asking her why was she the one asking him those questions. By some of the comments Jenee told me he made, it made me want to talk to him even more. Every inch of my being was on fire. I was angry, inspired, sick, humiliated, sad, puzzled, and happy all at once; if that's even possible. My conscience would not let me rest. So at 2:00am, I call Moore and tell him to come to my room.
He comes, looking like he's sleepy and is complaining the entire time he's in my room about how late it is. I explain to him that I really don't know what to say, but that I need to talk to him because I can't get any sleep over it. Sometimes we have to do things that we don't feel like doing." He says, "Well, I'm laying down. I'm going to fall asleep. You can talk to me while I sleep."
And my heart sinks. If he only knew how hard it is for me. If he only knew that I absolutely fear putting myself out there and not being accepted. He doesn't know the torment I experience of not having control over how I feel; because if it were my choice, I would be emotionless when it comes to all kinds of relationships just to run from pain and anguish. I'm a coward. I admit it. This is the one thing that I cannot seem to win at in my life. I have been so successful regarding everything else, but I cannot seem to succeed in opening myself up.
So, I ask Moore, "Are you willing to have a conversation and communicate with me right now, or do you want to leave." He basically says, "I think it would be better to have a conversation some other time. I'm too tired to have a discussion." I ask him if I should schedule a time in my calendar. He replies, "No. Just make sure that it's before 2:00am, 1:00am, 12:00am, or 11:00pm." I say, "Well goodnight." He says, "Maybe you should read your bible or something if you can't sleep. Goodnight. See ya." He leaves and I lay there in my bed, my pillow slowly dampening from the few tears that come for two hours and I get about an hour and a half of sleep before I wake up for classes.
Lee, it's so hard. And I'm not just talking about the situation. I'm talking about my heart. I'm trying to put myself out there. I'm trying to open up to people. I really feel like I'm trying. Then the door slams in my face. And the automatic reaction is for my heart to develop an extra covering, blocking all those who try to enter. My wall of defense increases. I become more cold, not even wanting anyone to touch me. It just happens and I become jaded.
I can understand that maybe I surprised him by wanting to talk that early in the morning. But the thing is, he could clearly see how bad I was bothered, and he didn't say or do anything. I wasn't in the mood for his sarcasm-patronizing me through his words. He made it seem like I was being an inconvenience. And I never say anything to him when I could clearly consider him to be an inconvenience, because I put all that aside when it comes to him. If he has an issue, or if any of my friends have an issue, time is not an issue, even when it seems like it could be a real inconvenience to me. Don't ever make me feel like I'm being an inconvenience, because I'll remove myself altogether to ensure I'm not an inconvenience ever again.
The more I think about it, the more vulnerable I feel. My heart needs a rest.
Avril Lavigne sums it up in "Forgotten:"
"I know I wanna run away
I know I wanna run away
Run away
If only I could run away
If only I could run away
Run away
I told you what I wanted
I told you what I wanted
What I wanted
But I was forgotten
I won't be forgotten
Never again"
posted by W8ingPatiently at 3:06 PM
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