My mind's playing tricks on me; or is it?...
Last night was very (what's the word I'm looking for) surreal. Eugene came over to talk to me about my guy issue concerning Moore. He told me that Moore was more than likely using last week to see where I was coming from with the card. When I never mentioned anything and continued to act like I always do with him, he probably assumed that I wrote the card coming from a friend perspective and nothing more. So, as always, I'm going to have to bring the subject up verbally if I want anything to potentially happen. You know how I feel about that one.
So, as Eugene continued to talk, he started to tell me about some conversations that he's been having with God lately. Now, these aren't conversations where Eugene prays and waits for God to respond. These are like conversations that two friends would be having back and forth. I witnessed this last night. Now, it would be normal to be freaked out about it, but I was more in a state of awe than anything else, especially when the conversation focus was aimed at me.
There are things that I have not told Eugene about, or anyone here at school, about how I'm feeling. And these are the things that came out of Eugene's mouth last night as he was allowing God to talk to him and talk through him. It even came to a point where I began asking questions in my own head, and Eugene would open his mouth and answer the question immediately after I had just asked it. And what really hit home was when Eugene said something that caused me to break down in tears and he literally felt the deepness of the scars that I have deep within me and later told me that he felt a brief moment of what I've apparently been feeling for while, and that he's concerned because that pain was unbearable. And all I could do was look at him, desperately fighting the tears from coming, and said, "Yeah." I was speechless.
So, what did I take away from last night? Well, apparently I'm so busy, but with all the wrong things. I can make time for everything else, but I can't make time for God. God has been wanting me to do something and speaking to me, and I keep ignoring Him; what that is and when He's spoken, I don't know. The paranoia has got to stop because clearly God is not in what I'm being paranoid about; I need to let it go and stop letting stuff get to me. I need to stop feeling like I need to prove myself to others, when instead I need to be proving myself to God. I need to search for love in God rather than continuously desiring a relationship with a man; it was said that I keep wondering why I'm alone, but the fact of the matter is that God is going to continue to make sure that I'm alone until I do what He's instructed me to do. The only way I'll feel a sense of completeness is if I come to Him and stop trying to do everything by myself or go to others for answers; it is only when I turn to God that I will feel fulfilled and then God will be able to bring someone into my life. And lastly, I've learned that it's time for me to stop relying on baby food and look towards solid food; I can't keep running away, trying to remain in my box, trying to live this life by myself. It's time for me to put myself out there because I can't be used unless I allow myself to be used.
It's just so much stuff. My brain feels jumbled. I've read a portion of the book, "Conversation With God" before, and it made me think a lot. But, never did I imagine that I would experience something like that face-to-face. I remember one more thing that was said, "Stop looking in the Book for the answers. It's time that you have a conversation with me." I don't know how. I mean, I've asked questions in my head, I've even talked out loud like a mad woman, but I don't hear anything. I don't feel anything. I mean, I feel even more lost and confused than before because I feel absolutely crazy. What in the heck is going on?
As always, I'm waiting for something...
So, as Eugene continued to talk, he started to tell me about some conversations that he's been having with God lately. Now, these aren't conversations where Eugene prays and waits for God to respond. These are like conversations that two friends would be having back and forth. I witnessed this last night. Now, it would be normal to be freaked out about it, but I was more in a state of awe than anything else, especially when the conversation focus was aimed at me.
There are things that I have not told Eugene about, or anyone here at school, about how I'm feeling. And these are the things that came out of Eugene's mouth last night as he was allowing God to talk to him and talk through him. It even came to a point where I began asking questions in my own head, and Eugene would open his mouth and answer the question immediately after I had just asked it. And what really hit home was when Eugene said something that caused me to break down in tears and he literally felt the deepness of the scars that I have deep within me and later told me that he felt a brief moment of what I've apparently been feeling for while, and that he's concerned because that pain was unbearable. And all I could do was look at him, desperately fighting the tears from coming, and said, "Yeah." I was speechless.
So, what did I take away from last night? Well, apparently I'm so busy, but with all the wrong things. I can make time for everything else, but I can't make time for God. God has been wanting me to do something and speaking to me, and I keep ignoring Him; what that is and when He's spoken, I don't know. The paranoia has got to stop because clearly God is not in what I'm being paranoid about; I need to let it go and stop letting stuff get to me. I need to stop feeling like I need to prove myself to others, when instead I need to be proving myself to God. I need to search for love in God rather than continuously desiring a relationship with a man; it was said that I keep wondering why I'm alone, but the fact of the matter is that God is going to continue to make sure that I'm alone until I do what He's instructed me to do. The only way I'll feel a sense of completeness is if I come to Him and stop trying to do everything by myself or go to others for answers; it is only when I turn to God that I will feel fulfilled and then God will be able to bring someone into my life. And lastly, I've learned that it's time for me to stop relying on baby food and look towards solid food; I can't keep running away, trying to remain in my box, trying to live this life by myself. It's time for me to put myself out there because I can't be used unless I allow myself to be used.
It's just so much stuff. My brain feels jumbled. I've read a portion of the book, "Conversation With God" before, and it made me think a lot. But, never did I imagine that I would experience something like that face-to-face. I remember one more thing that was said, "Stop looking in the Book for the answers. It's time that you have a conversation with me." I don't know how. I mean, I've asked questions in my head, I've even talked out loud like a mad woman, but I don't hear anything. I don't feel anything. I mean, I feel even more lost and confused than before because I feel absolutely crazy. What in the heck is going on?
As always, I'm waiting for something...
posted by W8ingPatiently at 5:42 PM
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