Trust factor...
Right now. What am I feeling right now? I'm preparing you in advance; this is definitely going to be a blog without any kind of order~kind of like how I'm feeling right now.
Everything was fine. Life was good. I was happy with myself and all those around me. Then slowly, things began to change. I began to change. People around me began to change and I found myself living in total oblivion to the truth~ EVERYTHING IS NOT HOW IT APPEARS.
Last night, my world turned upside down and I began to see how silence for a prolonged period of time is in fact a form of lying. I mean, I always thought that it was in some sense, but it never hit home until now. And what really hurt is that my world was flipped by a person who I never would have expected: Jenee.
Jenee has been involved in a long-distance relationship for about six months. She actually went to visit her boyfriend for Spring Break. I remember joking around with my fellow virgin friend before her leaving about not giving up her cookies and reminded her that we were together in saving ourselves for marriage. All was well. A matter of fact, she came back after Spring Break with stories of some of the risque things they did; but actual sexual intercourse was never brought up. So, I was like, "Cool." Now, my cousin (Evette) was joking with me by saying, "Jenee went to visit that boy and slept with him." And I would defend Jenee by saying, "Nah. She wouldn't do that. She's still a virgin." I defended her...
It's so easy to defend someone when you 'think' you really know them. But then again, when or can you really know someone? I used to think you could. Basically, Jenee told me last night that she had sex with her boyfriend (every night she was there). And she was shocked that I didn't give her the angry reaction she expected. I was silent. I said, "Oh, okay." And she kept asking me to say something. But, I had nothing to say to her. I literally could not find one single word. So, my room was filled with silence until she got finished with her homework and finally left. And I sat there, empty.
I keep telling myself that this has nothing to do with me. Why am I taking this personal. I think it has to do with trust. It's already bad enough that my heart is hard as a rock, but when someone you've allowed to come in does something that is totally out of character, it makes me wonder. It makes me angry. It makes me cry. It gives me a headache. It makes me want to talk to someone, but then again not want to because of the trust factor.
I need to get away. And I'm thinking that the reason why things have been happening the way they have been is because I'm supposed to be feeling a sense of yearning for something more. Going across the ocean to another country in a couple of weeks for a good amount of time is much needed and I don't think it's coincidence. This is a divine appointment that has been predestined to occur for me. And the more I observe, the more I want to go.
Ya know, I actually feel like this is another test: "Are you going to follow through with what you've said or give up when it seems like all around you seems to be falling apart?" Now, don't mistake my feelings as being judgemental. That's not it. I'm not judging anyone's actions. I'm more so upset at not being told something that clearly has been something I've always been able to discuss. Just as with you, Jenee is one of those people I call and tell all the details when something happens, even if it gets really graphic, she knows. And for her to not feel like she could tell me (she withheld this for about two months!), it hurts.
My brain hurts. Way too much thinking has been going on. And I'm tired.
"To be nobody-but-yourself~ in a world that is trying to make you everybody else~means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." -E.E. Cummings
Everything was fine. Life was good. I was happy with myself and all those around me. Then slowly, things began to change. I began to change. People around me began to change and I found myself living in total oblivion to the truth~ EVERYTHING IS NOT HOW IT APPEARS.
Last night, my world turned upside down and I began to see how silence for a prolonged period of time is in fact a form of lying. I mean, I always thought that it was in some sense, but it never hit home until now. And what really hurt is that my world was flipped by a person who I never would have expected: Jenee.
Jenee has been involved in a long-distance relationship for about six months. She actually went to visit her boyfriend for Spring Break. I remember joking around with my fellow virgin friend before her leaving about not giving up her cookies and reminded her that we were together in saving ourselves for marriage. All was well. A matter of fact, she came back after Spring Break with stories of some of the risque things they did; but actual sexual intercourse was never brought up. So, I was like, "Cool." Now, my cousin (Evette) was joking with me by saying, "Jenee went to visit that boy and slept with him." And I would defend Jenee by saying, "Nah. She wouldn't do that. She's still a virgin." I defended her...
It's so easy to defend someone when you 'think' you really know them. But then again, when or can you really know someone? I used to think you could. Basically, Jenee told me last night that she had sex with her boyfriend (every night she was there). And she was shocked that I didn't give her the angry reaction she expected. I was silent. I said, "Oh, okay." And she kept asking me to say something. But, I had nothing to say to her. I literally could not find one single word. So, my room was filled with silence until she got finished with her homework and finally left. And I sat there, empty.
I keep telling myself that this has nothing to do with me. Why am I taking this personal. I think it has to do with trust. It's already bad enough that my heart is hard as a rock, but when someone you've allowed to come in does something that is totally out of character, it makes me wonder. It makes me angry. It makes me cry. It gives me a headache. It makes me want to talk to someone, but then again not want to because of the trust factor.
I need to get away. And I'm thinking that the reason why things have been happening the way they have been is because I'm supposed to be feeling a sense of yearning for something more. Going across the ocean to another country in a couple of weeks for a good amount of time is much needed and I don't think it's coincidence. This is a divine appointment that has been predestined to occur for me. And the more I observe, the more I want to go.
Ya know, I actually feel like this is another test: "Are you going to follow through with what you've said or give up when it seems like all around you seems to be falling apart?" Now, don't mistake my feelings as being judgemental. That's not it. I'm not judging anyone's actions. I'm more so upset at not being told something that clearly has been something I've always been able to discuss. Just as with you, Jenee is one of those people I call and tell all the details when something happens, even if it gets really graphic, she knows. And for her to not feel like she could tell me (she withheld this for about two months!), it hurts.
My brain hurts. Way too much thinking has been going on. And I'm tired.
"To be nobody-but-yourself~ in a world that is trying to make you everybody else~means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." -E.E. Cummings
posted by W8ingPatiently at 1:37 PM
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