Be Wise...

First of all, you have nothing to worry about. I did not go to D's place tonight. He didn't even call me, so that's that. I really didn't feel like going anyway because of the rain, and quite frankly I didn't feel like being uncomfortable in an apartment full of guys. So, I'm not upset one bit. I'm actually relieved to some extent. By the way, thanks for the text; it's nice to know that you care.

My mother sent me an email the other day basically going off on me, but in a motherly concerned tone. She essentially said that when I don't think things through and just wait to the last minute to make decisions and live so nonchalantly, I am ultimately cheating myself. I need to think and plan ahead. Although she included an example of an incident that seemed minor, I understood that she had a deeper meaning to her message and I appreciated her words. She ended with this: "BE WISE!, as the person I know God has blessed you to be. You're cheating yourself." And I just sat there in thought.

J called me today after I had left her a message earlier. I hadn't talked to her in a really long time (about a three weeks). I would call and get no response back and was wondering what was going on and if I had possibly done something to cause her to be so distant. She told me that she's been going through a lot of stuff; family members keep ending up in the hospital, summer school didn't go all that well for her, relationships aren't filling the void that she continously has, and overall she just feels that God is mad at her and keeps throwing a bunch of crap in her face. "I just don't know what to do anymore," is her basic feeling. And it's so hard to tell a person something that they already know they need to be doing. She knows that she needs to praise God in spite of. She knows that she needs to have the faith that God has not forsaken her. She knows that everything happens for a reason. She knows that she will be blessed if she just perseveres through the storm. She knows, yet she continues to be in a constant funk. It's been like this for years for her and I've experienced a couple of them with her.

I explained to her that Lee and I had a discussion about how we know what we want but continue to settle for less and how we always end up in the predicament of wondering if we will ever meet Mr. Right or have the fairytale lifestyle that we dream of. Just as God keeps testing us to see if we'll finally wake up and only accept what we know is acceptable, He'll continue to test J's faith and obedience to continuously praise Him spite of before He progresses to the next stage. He can't give us steak and potatoes until He gets us past the baby food. But, we determine our growth through our actions.

I still haven't had the opportunity to talk to Moore. And the funny thing is, as it happened before, the more I don't talk to him the more the feeling (well, I'll say the heart fluttering) begins to decrease. Yesterday I was sitting at dinner with my staff, and I was sitting by a staff member who used to be a resident last year on the same floor as Moore and she mentioned his name and based off my response to what she said, she could tell that I had more than 'just friends' feelings for him. And she made the statement that she could tell that Moore had a crush on me too. So, I'm sitting there and I can tell that my boss was interested in the story behind Moore, so I went ahead and told it. And I got their sympathy and began to feel a bit sorry for myself. But, the feeling passed, until right now as I write this. (Sigh) I don't think that's something that goes away though. It's not supposed to. It makes you who you are and gives you hope that you'll feel that feeling again. I really caught myself when I stated to Lee that it hurts to be in love with someone because in all honestly I never felt about anyone the way I felt/feel about Moore. I know the feeling of infatuation, but by no means was that the feeling with him. It was pure satisfaction in knowing that I accepted everything about him; the things that absolutely frustrated me and the things that made my heart overjoyed. He was everything and made me want to be my absolute best. And that's something that just doesn't end. And as the tears well up in my eyes, it's not soley out of sadness, but rather an appreciation that I've been blessed to have the opportunity to feel such a way about someone.

So, school begins in a week and I know this year will be whatever I make it to be. It's my choice and my actions will dictate the outcome. Man, free will can be frustrating sometimes. But God never promised this journey to be easy. I know what I must do. Now, it's just about doing it. It's not only time to make my mama proud, but to give myself the type of respect and courtesy that I know I deserve. It's time to stop being my own worst enemy.