What time is it?...
Sittin' hear, vibin' to Anthony Hamilton. I'm in the mood to write. About what...I don't know. But, I know the words will come if I just type.
So, tomorrow is the day; the beginning of another academic year. As much as I keep telling people that I'm not ready for it to start, I'm excited in some sense to learn; I feel like expanding myself and yearn for the moment when that light bulb goes off in my head and everything will all of a sudden make sense. This metaphor not only applies with textbook knowledge, but also the book of my life. Each day, I hope that I am taking one step closer to finding the reason for it all and cringe at the thought that instead I'm taking two steps backwards and am so far from the mark.
I'm just feeling so...hmmmmm....I'm trying to dig deep here, but nothing is budging. I have this feeling in my heart. And it's one of those unexplainable feelings. It's the type where it takes a comment from a person in order for me to be able to tap into this feeling; to be able to just talk for hours about life. And I want to have a conversation with someone that I'm not used to talking to, for it to mean that much more. I want to be caught off guard-not expecting anything and just be in a state of awe at the revelation that has been conveyed to me. I want something different.
I'm tired of that same feeling that keeps creeping into my consciousness~the feeling of inadequacy. I consider myself a person with confidence, but people would be lying if they said that they always have a high self-esteem. A person has to have some sense of inadequacy in order to make it in this world. The root of determination has some connection with the fear of being inadequate in the fact that the current situation just isn't quite good enough.
But anyway, I'm already realizing that this year I'm really going to have to not let my environment influence my feeling of self worth. I have to surround myself with positivity and distance myself from people that will just put me in a state of funk (neither my mind, body, spirit, nor grades can carry that burden this year). I've been there, done that, and can't afford to take that route again.
...........
So, I just took a break and went to the store next door to get some groceries. I feel a little bit better now. I saw one of my homosexual friends who's a student staff member too. He transferred to another building this year that is more conservative than the building he worked in last year. So, he says to me, "How do you think they'll (the residents) take it once they find out that I'm a faggot?" And he asks this jokingly, but still it kind of offended me that he referred to himself in such a way. And then it made me feel bad that a person would have to worry about sharing a part of him to others in hopes that they won't reject him. Again, the feeling of inadequacy, and the worry that the way you are isn't good enough to someone else. That feeling is absolutely horrible.
I went to D's house last night. Yes, I said last night. And again, we just talked and chilled for a bit. No physical stuff happened, but man, the temptation is there. I still can't read him completely, but then again, that's something that intrigues me about him. As Eugene told me, "You like those bad boys." And the weird thing is, I am attracted to "bad boys" to some extent. But yet, I know that's not what I need. After I left D's place, I went over the folks' place (Jenee, Eugene, Miles, & Mari). Miles and I went to some neighbor's house party down the street. We clearly didn't know anyone, but we had a good time in the garage playing 'flip cup' (a drinking game). It was a really fun night and Miles and I were pretty gone by the time we got back to his place (well, the party kind of dispersed when the police arrived, so we ran behind the houses to jump his deck and escaped successfully). I have never seen Miles like that; we joked around and laughed the whole night. That was definitely what I needed before classes start.
That's about everything. I ended up texting W last night and he called me immediately after he got the text. I was definitely talking crazy and he knew I was under the influence. I'm going to have to call him back and apologize for whatever I might have said. I have a slight feeling; well, I know that I'm playing with fire when I talk to W one minute, and then talk to D the next. And I can't imagine what's going to happen when W comes in about a month and how awkward I'm going to feel if I find myself in the same room with the two of them. I won't jump ahead though. Things can change just like that. There's no need to rush.
So, here's to a great year. Here's to the laughs, the tears, the struggles, and the achievements. Here's to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Here's to you and your dreams. Here's to us. It's our time.
So, tomorrow is the day; the beginning of another academic year. As much as I keep telling people that I'm not ready for it to start, I'm excited in some sense to learn; I feel like expanding myself and yearn for the moment when that light bulb goes off in my head and everything will all of a sudden make sense. This metaphor not only applies with textbook knowledge, but also the book of my life. Each day, I hope that I am taking one step closer to finding the reason for it all and cringe at the thought that instead I'm taking two steps backwards and am so far from the mark.
I'm just feeling so...hmmmmm....I'm trying to dig deep here, but nothing is budging. I have this feeling in my heart. And it's one of those unexplainable feelings. It's the type where it takes a comment from a person in order for me to be able to tap into this feeling; to be able to just talk for hours about life. And I want to have a conversation with someone that I'm not used to talking to, for it to mean that much more. I want to be caught off guard-not expecting anything and just be in a state of awe at the revelation that has been conveyed to me. I want something different.
I'm tired of that same feeling that keeps creeping into my consciousness~the feeling of inadequacy. I consider myself a person with confidence, but people would be lying if they said that they always have a high self-esteem. A person has to have some sense of inadequacy in order to make it in this world. The root of determination has some connection with the fear of being inadequate in the fact that the current situation just isn't quite good enough.
But anyway, I'm already realizing that this year I'm really going to have to not let my environment influence my feeling of self worth. I have to surround myself with positivity and distance myself from people that will just put me in a state of funk (neither my mind, body, spirit, nor grades can carry that burden this year). I've been there, done that, and can't afford to take that route again.
...........
So, I just took a break and went to the store next door to get some groceries. I feel a little bit better now. I saw one of my homosexual friends who's a student staff member too. He transferred to another building this year that is more conservative than the building he worked in last year. So, he says to me, "How do you think they'll (the residents) take it once they find out that I'm a faggot?" And he asks this jokingly, but still it kind of offended me that he referred to himself in such a way. And then it made me feel bad that a person would have to worry about sharing a part of him to others in hopes that they won't reject him. Again, the feeling of inadequacy, and the worry that the way you are isn't good enough to someone else. That feeling is absolutely horrible.
I went to D's house last night. Yes, I said last night. And again, we just talked and chilled for a bit. No physical stuff happened, but man, the temptation is there. I still can't read him completely, but then again, that's something that intrigues me about him. As Eugene told me, "You like those bad boys." And the weird thing is, I am attracted to "bad boys" to some extent. But yet, I know that's not what I need. After I left D's place, I went over the folks' place (Jenee, Eugene, Miles, & Mari). Miles and I went to some neighbor's house party down the street. We clearly didn't know anyone, but we had a good time in the garage playing 'flip cup' (a drinking game). It was a really fun night and Miles and I were pretty gone by the time we got back to his place (well, the party kind of dispersed when the police arrived, so we ran behind the houses to jump his deck and escaped successfully). I have never seen Miles like that; we joked around and laughed the whole night. That was definitely what I needed before classes start.
That's about everything. I ended up texting W last night and he called me immediately after he got the text. I was definitely talking crazy and he knew I was under the influence. I'm going to have to call him back and apologize for whatever I might have said. I have a slight feeling; well, I know that I'm playing with fire when I talk to W one minute, and then talk to D the next. And I can't imagine what's going to happen when W comes in about a month and how awkward I'm going to feel if I find myself in the same room with the two of them. I won't jump ahead though. Things can change just like that. There's no need to rush.
So, here's to a great year. Here's to the laughs, the tears, the struggles, and the achievements. Here's to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Here's to you and your dreams. Here's to us. It's our time.
posted by W8ingPatiently at 12:02 AM
1 Comments:
I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, here's to us. Cheers.
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