Deja Vu...

I'm finding myself in the same place all over again. My heart......my head. I can't take this. I really can't.

I just took D home about an hour ago from spending the night with me last night. Let's just say things got heated. It almost happened, but again, I stopped it. And the weird thing is, he said, "(my name), I'm in love with you." And I said, "Are you serious?!!!" And he gave me that look like, "Girl, yes!" And I just layed there thinking. Was he just trying to get in, or was he serious?

And the majority of the time while we were messing around, I was thinking of everyone but him. I thought about you, Moore, Jenee, Jesus. I mean, I thought about every single person that has impacted my belief system up unto this point. We kissed....but then again, most of the time it wasn't that same 'butterfly' feeling. And the reason is, because I've begun to really realize that he can't 'just kiss.' And that bugs me. But, I can't tell him for some reason. I can't even build up the courage to ask him what does he want from me, because I still think that he still doesn't really know and that I'll end up in the same situation that I was in before with him. I'm always wondering what he's thinking. I'm always catching him staring at me as I stare at him (seeming like the both of us are trying to figure the other one out). I just don't know.

Then, I pull up in his driveway and one of his roommates is outside. Now, normally D would probably try to kiss me or something, but there was nothing. It was more like, "I'll call you later on." And then he closed the door. I don't know if he's trying to gauge my feelings towards him or what. And I don't know if he's trying to make up for his lack of mental stimulation with me by providing a surplus of physical stimulation. But, I found myself being more so relieved when I left him.

Then I called W (I know. I know.), because he had sent me a text a couple of days ago apologizing for not talking to me for two weeks because there were a lot of things on his mind. We talked for a moment, then he told me he'd call me later. And the entire time I talked to him, I just wanted to say, "Sorry." I'm sorry for that first conversation I had with him that night in April. I'm sorry for becoming attached to his voice and his sincere words. I'm sorry for loving his consistency and becoming upset when he lacks consistency. I'm sorry for not laying everything out there before he started laying everything out there to me and expressing his feelings. I'm sorry for caring. And I'm really sorry for feeling like this right now.

I apologize for the fact that you have to read this. I apologize for not living up to the standards that I set for others. I apologize for sounding like a typical female. I apologize....not only to you, but to God too. Something's going on. And it's getting old. I'm definitely failing this lesson. And He's going to continue to throw it my way until I get it. What must happen for me to get it? I can only imagine...