Pillow Talk...

So, it's late, and I realize that. Seeing that I'm a bit tired, but not wanting to really hit the sheets yet, I've decided to write a bit. So here it goes...

I miss him. I miss him a lot. It's true that "absence makes the heart grow fonder." And I've been recently finding myself counting down the days to simply send him a text that says, "Merry Christmas, Moore." I was a bit concerned about him not even thinking about me throughout this time of distance that I initiated. But, Jenee reassured me that he does atleast ask if I'm still alive and well, whenever he does briefly talk to her. So, that makes me feel a bit better.

Yes, I've gotten used to not talking to him now. And I know that whenever I do decide to call him (after the New Year, of course), things will be different. A month of my life, which has been incredibly interesting, will have passed, and I can only imagine what he's done during the time. Do I really want to know though?

I'm beginning to see how much I desire information, even it does bruise my heart. Would it be better to be oblivious to everything and just be plain ignorant, thinking that things are just absolutely fantastic, when in reality things are downright awful?

At one point in my life, I would've told you, "No, I wouldn't want to know anything." But, with time and with dealing with person after person, the optimist has dissipated and a realist has evolved. I have to keep it real, or else I get lost and my head gets all souped up over something that never was. And that's not fair to me.

So, stab me for all I care. Don't attempt to numb reality with nice words and gestures. Be real. 'Cause I've come to the point where I'm not wanting to sugarcoat anything. So why should anyone else for me?

There's this guy that asked me for my number through our 'wonderful friend,' Facebook. And I gave it to him, because I knew him from the past. So, he calls me for a couple of days (no phone call today though) and he tells me that he wants to know everything about me. And I'm thinking, "That's straight bull." I know where this is leading. And just as I thought, the question comes up of how sexually active I am, if at all, and if I'm one of those 'technical virgins.'

Now, to be quite honest, I was offended by this being asked. But, like I said, I expected it. And from talking to him, I began to realize that I'm not at a point where I want to talk to anyone. It's just too much. Especially when the person on the other end says he's just "kickin' it" for now and not looking for a relationship; he wants to be my friend. Not that "friend" crap again. I've heard that one before and clearly, for some people, being friends entails doing some non-friend-like things.

A wise person once told me, "Do not travel down the same road twice." And while she might have been referring to dealing with the same person again, I'm going to take a different spin on it. I'm going to relate it to traveling down the same scenario, even if it is with different person(s). So, really I'm not looking forward to that guy calling my again, or for that matter, any guy wanting to pursue a physical relationship prior to a true intellectual/emotional/spiritual relationship with me.

And it always points back to Moore. He is the only guy that I have had the intellectual/emotional/spiritual connection with, without one single ounce of physical stimulation. I understand him. And I honestly believe that he understands me, eventhough I can be confusing as hell sometimes. It'll have been four weeks, this upcoming Friday, since I've heard his voice. And I miss it. Damn! I'll even settle for his voicemail right now. But...I'll wait.

I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. And that's real talk. Enough of this sappy stuff. I'm calling it a night. Sweet dreams...