Silence is golden...

I received a telephone call very late last night that the father of a freshman girl I know was being rushed to the hospital because of a sudden problem with his heart. Needless to say, this was unexpected and the young lady was very distraught about the situation. After she consulted with a few friends at the University, she was advised to not travel home until it was necessary. An hour or so later, her family called her and beckoned her to come home because the situation did not look good at all. Early this morning, the girl's father passed away...

Now, I have heard nothing but great things about this man. He was a strong Christian with the biggest heart that anyone could possibly have. When I heard about what was going on in this young lady's life from a close friend of mine (let's call her Jenee), I could not say anything. While this would normally bug me; that I can't seem to have the proper words to give in a time of need to those who are hurting, it did not bother me today. All I could do was listen. And I recall a time where silence would absolutely bug the heck out of me. But as I've grown and matured, I've come to find that sometimes, silence is what's needed.

Another friend called me extremely upset at the fact that she did not know what to do about the situation, what to say, or how to make things better. As I sat there on the phone in silence, I began to realize that many times, just that silence is the necessary help at the moment. God will use you when He sees fit. And believe me, He knows which situations that you're capable of exerting the strength that He requires, and He knows when He needs you to just physically and emotionally be there. He's wired us all differently to fulfill certain purposes and although we may feel useless sometimes, we are useful to Him. That gives me a sense of hope and security.

After all of that, with tears falling down my face, I had the urge to call my daddy this morning just to hear his voice and hear him breathing. So often, I take the fact that he is alive, well, and active in my life for granted. And quite frankly, it's sad that it takes a situation like this to make me aware that what I have is so precious. I am a blessed young lady to have always had my father in my life and not just physically have him there, but to have him there for mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical support. I love him and I cannot imagine a day without my daddy. I know that there will be a time where God will begin to remove those near and dear to me and take them home to be with Him, and who knows, He might take me first; I just hope that I'm ready. But, all in all, I thank God for blessing my family and friends to see another day and for giving me another chance to say, 'I love you.'

Help is on the way...

I can't help but to sit and think of Kirk Franklin's lyrics to one of his older songs~'It's Over Now.' "It's over now. It's over now. I feel that I can make it. The storm is over now."

I feel good and I'm being truly genuine when I say that. Earlier this week, as you know, I was not feeling like 'myself' at all. And now, I know why...

There are times in our lives where we go through things and feel absolutely horrible. And some of those times, we may not be going through anything at all and still feel that horrible feeling. I am a witness of the latter. God has a way of using people when they are empty. We as humankind may be thinking that the trials that we are going through are a punishment and often question God's reasoning for allowing certain things to happen to us. But, do you ever realize that through your test, God is going to allow you to minister to someone else's spirit, which will ultimately result in your spirit being blessed? It's so awesome how God works!!!

When I was feeling down and out this week, I did not feel like talking to anyone. But, there came a point where a close friend of mine came to me~I was trapped; I had no other choice but to open my door. And then it happened. Eugene was going through some hard stuff himself, and I, being the 'good' friend that I am, sat there and listened to his troubles. Eugene stopped in mid-sentence and asked me why I had a smirk on my face. To tell you the truth, I don't really know. But, I think it was my spirit that was actually smirking, because it knew that something was about to happen. All of a sudden, I found myself saying things to my friend that I would not have normally said to him. I mean, it was apparent that God was using my mouth to say some things to Eugene that he had been wrestling with God about. I talked for about an hour and afterwards, there was a clear change in Eugene. He was happy and satisfied with the confirmation that he had received through what came from my mouth. Clearly, I too was amazed because quite frankly, Eugene had said some things to me a couple of days before that left a sour taste in my mouth. But somehow, God used me, inspite of my emptiness and bitterness to help a weary soul. And because of my obedience to Him, my soul was truly blessed in return. I can ask for nothing more.

I have witnessed similar incidences all week pertaining to people being used in spite of their emptiness. And God has truly shown Himself strong. A few hours ago, I found myself at the apartment of a few of my close friends. As I sat on the couch talking to two of the girls, the other friend came from out of her room absolutely upset about a very devastating situation. The girl was crying so heavily and then she began to do something strange. Now, my friend is a Christian, but she has always had trials come up in her life. She's one of those people that it seems like everything wrong that could possibly happen to someone happens to her. And last night was no exception. My friend began to yell out to God, "Leave me alone! I'm tired of you bothering me! Stop messing with me! You don't want me! Just let me go! Choose someone else, Lord! I'm tired! I'm so very tired!!! Lord, WHY?!!!"

I was at a standstill, not able to say a word. All I could do was put my hand on my friend's back, while the other two friends put their hands on her too. And all of a sudden, the tone changed in my friend's words. She began to praise God. I mean, sincere earnest praise. She began to pray like I have never heard anyone pray before; she began the prayer by sincerely praying for her enemies~this is something that she would not normally do. And let me tell you, the chains fell last night. And the spirit of the Lord filled that apartment. All of us sobbed, praised, and enjoyed the peaceful spirit in that room. It was absolutely incredible. And that experience confirmed that there is no such thing as a coincidence or accident. Everything happens for a reason.

You may be struggling right now, but let me tell you honey, God has not forgotten about you. He will never leave you or forsake you. He's made that promise in His word. So, when you feel that you can't go on, when the world seems like it is against you, when your spirit is lost and sad, I implore you to keep your head up because you are not forgotten. God is not a forgetful God. In Him there is no failure. Keep holding on. Jesus is wanting you to take His hand and trust that He will not let you go. I leave you with these words to a song, I think I had you listen to a couple of years ago...

"I need you. You need me. We're all a part of God's body. Stand with me. Agree with me. We're all a part of God's body. It is His will that every need be supplied. You are important to me; I need you to survive.

I pray for you. You pray for me. I love you. I need you to survive. I won't harm you with words from my mouth. I love you. I need you to survive. It is His will that every need be supplied. You are important to me; I NEED YOU TO SURVIVE."

*You are not your circumstance! Keep your head up, beautiful. Help is on the way!!!

I'll let my tears do the talking...

I'm feeling really blah. I've been feeling like this for the past two days. I mean I can't explain the way I feel right now. It's like I'm staring at the world and watching it through a video camera, and I'm not happy with what I see. I feel like I'm living outside of my body. People can make funny comments, and I won't laugh. I'll hear somone say something that clearly is sad, and I'm emotionless. It's even so bad that if I see a squirrel scurrying across the grass, I wish I could be in its body just to not have to be in mine. I'm just tired right now-tired of everything, and I don't know why.

Tonight, I found myself crying. Tears just falling from my eyes as if I had received some horrible news or something. And I don't know why I was crying. All I know is that my soul was not at ease and that no one could make it better. I did not want to talk to anyone, not even my closest friends. I was agitated and I didn't know why.

What's wrong with me?

But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. ~ Romans 8:25-27 (NIV)

As with this scripture, maybe there's something wrong within me that I cannot personally put words to it. Maybe I mentally don't know what's wrong, but my spirit knows what's wrong. And it's my spirit talking for me to the Father above because I can't find the words to say. So, as I cry even right now as I type this, I hope my tears are clear enough for God to interpret. I don't want to feel like this, Lord. So, please listen to what my spirit is saying through my tears and make it all better. I don't like not knowing what's wrong with me. I don't like this feeling.....

Open the eyes of my heart...

So, it's been a week since I've written a blog. And quite frankly, I must admit that I miss it. Yeah, my friend (let's call her Lee) has gotten me addicted and right now I feel obliged to write one of these for that faithful reader out there. You know who you are.

This week has been an interesting one. It's so funny how one moment you can be all happy with the world and the next you can just be all confused, angry, and frustrated. I've been trying to figure out my emotions in all aspects of my life. It's not my time of the month, so I know that's not a possibility. I've been blaming it on the sudden change in weather, but I think there's more to it than that.

I have heard some quite interesting remarks from various individuals this week in regards to their perceptions of me. One in particular that I never even thought about was what my friend told me one night, "Miss Analyzation, you're a lot like the King James Version Bible-no matter how intriguing it may be, it is a very hard read, just like yourself." I probably did not quote this accurately, but it was something of that essence. Anyway, I never thought about how other people view me in regards to the way I think. I mean, I've never put myself in other people's shoes to see how they might perceive me; I know that's selfish. Such a simile (wow, I'm using English grammar vocabulary from way back in the day) comparing me to the Book of Life really hits home and makes me want to open up a bit to allow people to see my true colors shine through. And I thought that was going to be my only epiphany for the week...

So, last night was the first time where I've actually had a three hour telephone conversation until 3:00 in the morning with someone and not be totally agitated or bored because of the time or the subject matter being discussed. So, my best guy friend calls me up very upset about a situation that is tugging at his spirit. Let's call this friend Eugene; "that's Eugene with an E." Now, I'm used to Eugene consistently calling me to talk about his personal issues because he considers me to be a close friend. But, I was not expecting the conversation to take the shift that it did. He began talking about himself, then all of a sudden his tone changes and the subject focus begins to be about me. Let's take a couple of steps back for a second...

I have always prayed for God to tell me what He wants of me while I inhabit this earth. I pray, then I continue to live my life. I now realize that I always ask God to show me things, but do I ever really allow myself to be receptive to what He may be trying to tell me? I am now aware that I am so caught up in my comfort that by even the slightest glimpse of discomfort, I clam up. It just seems natural for me.

And this is what Eugene brought to my attention. He said that he sees that I have a genuinely sweet spirit and that although I may get on his nerves many a times, there is something about my spirit that he cannot help but to be attracted to my spirit. I must say that this coming from his mouth truly warmed my spirit because I am so accustomed to people confusing my personality. Because in all honesty, I have a sincere love for people. I really can't explain that, but I do. And this makes me think even more. Eugene then proceeded to say that he feels that God has a plan for my life in which I'm going to be dealing with people because He has equipped me with certain gifts. I too agree with this statement. It makes no sense for me to have the qualities that I have for nothing. God is going to use them; in what way, I still don't know.

Then what really got me was when Eugene told me that my problem is that I am so caught up on maintaining 'the face' rather than being real. I mean, he sat there through the phone, opened his bible and read a passage of scripture as I read along with him. In essence, the scripture illustrated that a woman was considered truly blessed when she humbled herself before the Lord to the point where her comfort was not the issue, but rather glofifying God was her goal. And this is when God spoke to her and blessed her abundantly. After that, Eugene told me God has a habit of speaking to people in ways that they are not accustomed to; I began to think about the various stories in the Bible that verify this thought and I too agreed. And then I thought about my life over the past year and the many situations that were 'odd' in my eyes, but ended up being something that benefitted my soul and I then began to realize that I'm thinking about everything in the wrong way.

Just because something, someone, or anything does not fit into your standard, does not mean that it's not what you're supposed to have at that moment. Your standards for your life are not God's standards for you. This is confirmed in Isaiah 55:8~ "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.

"You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth?"~(Galatians 5:7) God wants obedience from us. That's all He asks. And yet we make it so difficult for ourselves and start pointing fingers. Am I really ready to hear what God is trying to tell me as much as I say I am ready? Because clearly, I know He's trying to get my attention. In response to the question posed in the previous scripture, I'm afraid that I alone am the one actually preventing myself from successfully completing the purpose that God has for me. God is probably standing right there with the answer, and I'm so stuck on nonsense that I won't even allow myself to hear from Him. How sad is that?

Lord, I thank you for Your patience when dealing with me and I just take this moment to ask that You open the eyes of my heart so I can earnestly receive what you have in store for me...

Same ol' sad song...

The moment you think that you have someone out of your system, that person has a way of getting your mind all messed up anyway, especially when you find that your heart nearly jumps out of your body at the sight of him. You must then ask yourself, "Come on. Are you really being honest with yourself?" Can anyone relate to this?

I don't want to like anyone right now. I don't feel like having my emotions tossed to and fro.' I don't like the feeling of not having control of everything, including my feelings. But the sad thing is, I think that I've already lost it.

I think what's bothering me the most is the thought that this 'liking' could potentially be one-sided. I'm afraid to find out how Richard truly feels. If he does happen to like me, I'm scared that I'll freak out because I've never been in a situation where I've been sincerely desired for who I am and not what I can seemingly offer. But on the other side of the coin, I'm scared to find out that Richard has no feelings for me whatsoever because yet again it'll be the same ol' sad song of my life.

So, I sit here trying to figure out what to do. The Lord only knows what will bring music to my soul. I wish He could just hurry up with it. I apologize for that thought, Lord. But as always, I will continue to give You the praise because when all is said and done, I know that You are the true lover of my soul. I thank You for who You are and for the great blessing that I know You have in store for me. I will continue to be faithful to turn to You when I find myself in doubt, because I know You are not the author of confusion and that You desire nothing but the best for Your people. Although I might not always acknowledge You as I should, I just want to say, I love you. Please grant me wisdom, oh Lord.

No Expectations...

I was once told that if you don't have expectations, you won't have disappointments. Which, after pondering this thought, I have come to realize it makes a lot of sense. So, before even going to the movies with this guy last night (let's name him Richard), I made up my mind that I would not go into the night 'expecting' anything.

Now, the weird thing about Richard is that he flirts a lot, I mean A LOT. It's one of those kind of things where a girl can't help but be confused because she doesn't know if he is kidding around or actually being serious. But, I'm trying not to read into that too much.

I don't know. It's weird. One moment, I'm like, "I like this guy." And the next, I'm like, "He's a cool 'friend' to have." And that's what I'm trying to keep in my mind-'friend' because I know how I tend to operate when I start to think of a guy as boyfriend potential; I begin to have expectations. Yeah, I admit it.

But anyway, after the horrible movie. Let me say that again-HORRIBLE, I drove Richard back to his place (we flipped a coin to see who would drive and I lost). Before getting out of the car, he hugged me and rubbed his scruffy face against my neck; he's doing the rugged look right now. Although I am typically a clean cut type of gal, the scruffy look actually kind of works for him.

But all in all, at the end of the night, I did not feel one hint of disappointment. Because in all honesty, I think he'll be a friend rather than anything else that my imaginative mind might conjure up. And anyway, I'm satisfied in knowing that I can have a person of the opposite sex who makes me feel good through his words and gestures without my emotions getting all crazy.

As bedtime approaches, I have no special individual to fantasize about. But I'm okay with that. It's nice to have dreams about dreams. Does that make any sense? It does to me. I wonder what's around the corner for me...Lord grant me patience, so I won't be tempted to take a peek. Come what may; let Thy will be done. Amen.