I've Never Done This One Before (Oh my!)...

Fluent-less Soul of Mine

So many emotions
Very... few......words.........
An abundance of tears flow
My soakened lap can testify of the turbulent well within

Deeper than deep
Darker than a rustic sky
Intrigued by the luster of the tantalizing stars
But yearning for The Light

Too many words
Given by those who empathize
Sincerely attempting to rationalize
But never can heal the wounds

A surplus of thoughts endlessly flood my mind
Bombarding my consciousness day and night
The ambiguity of my convictions
Causes me to question myself

Detesting the feeling of chaos
Wanting to control my destiny
Planning.......for what?
Waiting.......in vain?

The essence of my being attempts to compensate
My mind tries to remind me that, "It's all a test"
My heart, full of endurance, prepares for the next battle
And my soul, attempting to speak, cries out in sheer anticipation of what's to come...

Trial of Faith...

"I myself have for twenty-nine years been waiting for an answer to prayer concerning a certain spiritual blessing. Day by day have I been enabled to continue in prayer for this blessing. At home and abroad, in this country and in foreign lands, in health and in sickness, however much occupied, I have been enabled, day by day, by God's help, to bring this matter before Him; and still I have not the full answer yet. Nevertheless, I look for it. I expect it confidently. The very fact that day after day, and year after year, for twenty-nine years, the Lord has enabled me to continue, patiently, believingly, to wait on Him for the blessing, still further encourages me to wait on; and so fully am I assured that God hears me about this matter, that I have often been enabled to praise Him beforehand for the full answer, which I shall ultimately receive to my prayers on this subject. Thus, you see, dear reader, that while I have hundreds, yes, thousands of answers, year by year, I have also, like yourself and other believers, the trial of faith concerning certain matters." ~George Mueller

These words are so fitting right now. Right now, I feel fine. Ask me how I feel in a couple of seconds when I catch about 3 tears fall in my lap, then become angry with myself.

No phone call yet. It's so funny to be waiting for a phone call from someone when you know they're about to say, "I don't want you." And it's so funny to feel upset when you know the reasoning behind them not wanting you is completely ludicrous. It's hilarious (yes, hilarious) to actually be upset about something so trivial. I mean, I could be in a completely situation where I truly compromised myself to the point of not being able to look at myself in the mirror. But, thank God that that's not the issue. So, what is???

I just feel that God is mocking me. 21 years; almost 22 now, and I have never had someone to call my own. I've had potential candidates to fulfill the companion role, but that's as far as it goes (potential, not the product) when they find out that I won't be giving up my cookies; I will be gladly giving my cookies as a gift to that special man who I will be exceedingly elated to finally claim as my husband.

I just don't get it. This society is so twisted. We commend those who have the strength enough to not conform to the societal norm, but we throw them to the side and decide to return to them once we've gotten tired of having our meaningless fun. We want perfection, but give garbage. We essentially make a mockery of relationships and then wonder why we're so messed up.

The Lord knows how I feel. He should know; I've been praying to Him about this forever. And yet, the bad seeds keep coming my way. But then I think, "Why? Why are You sending this my way, now?" And then I get this feeling that reminds me that something greater is coming and that each occurrence that I have with someone who is not up to par should be a reminder of what God has ordained for me to have. And sometimes the occurrences have nothing to do with me, but rather are used as a witness to the guy that in order for him to get the genuine 'prize' lady that he so desires, he needs to get his act together, or else she's going to walk on by and he'll lose out on his blessing.

I'm not mad at D. I'm just sad for him. I see a person who clearly wants to be right, but is so caught up. He's saying that he's been praying to God for him to reveal to him what he's looking for, since he can't seem to figure it out for himself, but then again, if he hasn't the slightest clue of what he wants, how is God going to reveal something to him if he's not expecting a revelation? He's living in the 'whatever happens, happens' mode, which has some glitches in it because if you start feeling like that, you accept anything. Although he may claim that he's a changed person, he has a lot of growing to do.

So, I'm still trying to figure out what I'll say to him if he calls, or what I'll say to him when I call him tomorrow, if he chooses not to call. And for some reason, right now I'm feeling like there is a purpose I'm supposed to fulfill with this one. I don't know what it is, but I do know that I'm not going to just totally close the door on him. I'm not a mean spirited person; it's not in my nature, so I'll just be honest and keep a loving spirit while I endure this trial of faith.

A New Day...

So, what's new you ask? Welp, I'm taking it a day at a time. That's about it. No expectations; just going with the flow. Maybe I'm getting a little too comfortable going with the flow though.

I woke up in D's bed (that's what I'll call him) on Saturday morning. I ended up going to sleep over there Friday night. No, there was no sexual intercourse; but, we continued with what we did during Thursday's night rendezvous. And it was good. Oh.....he's such a good kisser. And he even said, "I love kissing you." I've never received that compliment before. =)

We talked a bit. Yep, a bit. We laughed a lot. Yep, a lot. But, something's missing. The emotional aspect is non-existent. I mean, I feel like my mind is absolutely blank when I'm around him. He could ask me what I'm thinking, and I could be thinking about absolutely nothing. And I'm usually always thinking, which is quite odd.

Eugene warned me that I need to be careful about D. He told me to take it as a sign when a guy calls you in the afternoon to ask, "What are you getting into tonight?" rather than asking "What are you doing now?" In other words, a guy should be interested in spending time with you during the day and actually do something than getting purely physical. And, I agree with this, but I can't form that into words when around D. But, it must not bother me too much because I continue to be physical with him. Why?........

He called me Saturday night to check and see how I was doing; I told him I was out, and he told me was out also and told me to call him when I made it in. He called me last night to ask, "What are you getting into tonight?" I told him I had to work, and that was basically the extent of the conversation. How do you like that for substance?

I'm just a little confused right now. I mean, I think I've heard that guys tend to work backwards--get physical first then develop emotional attachment, but that this is opposite for girls. The mutual good friend that D and I share (I'll call her J) told me that D really likes me. He told her in class on Friday that he had deleted over half of the numbers of the girls he had in his phone and told her, "Don't worry. I'm going to take care of your girl."

What in the hell does all this mean? I sure don't know. But, I am finding myself excited to hear from him. I find myself grinning when I think about kissing him. But most of all, I find myself wondering if I'm doing the right thing, or better yet wondering why I'm doing what I'm doing.

By the way, Moore called me up Saturday night to see if I wanted to play pool with him and his friends. I told him "Thanks for thinking about me, but I have plans." I wonder how he's doing. I think I might go and check on him.

(BIG SIGH...)

What if...

Girl, do you remember that football player that I mentioned a while back who came to my room? I'll call him, Washington. Well, in the past he'd come over just to say hi, and would stay a bit and chat. Today, he sent me a message on facebook and I responded back. Then he came to my door at 10:00 tonight. He came in, told me that he just got my facebook message, sat down on my bed and made himself comfortable. He talked. I talked. We talked. There were no sarcastic remarks-just genuine conversation. He left at 11:30.

We talked for an hour and a half!!! I can't believe it. And now, he has my cell phone number but knows that it won't be on for about a week. He also asked me what my plans were for this weekend, so I don't know if we'll be hanging out at all this weekend. I invited him to come to church on Sunday, and he scheduled it into his phone, so that's cool. He's a Christian too. And, he is cute, I must say. He's a little.....different though. I really can't explain it, but it's kind of intriguing. And, since he was leaning all over my pillows, his scent is left behind. Geez louise. I'm just wondering if Moore passed by my room while my door was cracked open to hear us talking and laughing. Oh well...Moore has not stopped by room since last week since I supposedly "kicked him out" (that's what he said via email).

I don't know anymore. It's so weird. Because people always tell you that you'll be able to feel it when something is 'right.' But, to tell you the truth, I haven't felt that 'right' feeling with Moore. He just gives me the confused feeling, which kind of indicates that he's not the 'right' one, at least not at this point in life.

Last night, I found myself waking up in the middle of the night upset that Moore had not knocked on my door while I was asleep to just come in and sleep on my floor; everyday it does get easier though. But today, I feel.....rejuvintated, like there is some hope. I mean, Washington said some really cool things tonight, which made me think (something that many dudes are unable to make me do). And I enjoyed his company; even the glances he'd give me while I 'wasn't looking at him.' I really don't know if anything is going to happen. Nothing probably will. I'm just being a girl right now; that's just what we do (blow things out of proportion). But, it doesn't hurt to just think 'what if.'