Sweet dreams...

So, I've never done this one before-typing a blog about someone while they're in the room with me. So, Moore is actually sleeping on the floor behind me as I type this. I think he was trying to have a conversation tonight, but he's just not direct about it. And I'm not trying to help him out with it. I give him a little information at a time and let him do the analyzing. It's about time to give my brain a rest; well, actually it's still on overload.

Another thing that happened earlier was that a guy (let's name him, Washington) comes to my room. He's a football player, but he's a little different than the rest of them. He enters my room (he's been saying that he'll stop by sometime), but he never has. And we have a really good conversation. Upon arrival, he tells me that he was on the way to his room to read his bible and then head off to bed. So, I'm thinking, "Boy, this is cheezy." But as he finally left my room, after an hour, I told him to make sure that he tells me what he read about. Now, I'm thinking he'll come back some other day, but he comes back about an hour later, bible in hand, and tells me what he read about. I must admit, it was attractive.

Going back to Washington and my conversation...of course, we got on the subject of relationships, and he says that he's shocked that I don't have a boyfriend. I can tell what he's looking for, but it doesn't seem like the same "Let me beat" mentality. I think there's actually something deeper to him, and on top of that, the boy looks good (gotta love it). So, he has sparked my interest a bit, but not as much as a certain other.

The only thing I'm concerned about is this whole Moore thing. I know what I want, but I don't want to complicate things with him. But I also would like to get to know Washington a little more, which I have a feeling that he'll be coming to my room more often (probably at night). This will be awkward because Moore typically comes to my room at night. I'm already forseeing drama.

I don't know what's going on. Things are coming out from all directions and it seems like it's only going to get more crazy. Am I going to be able to handle this? I can't even get to sleep right now, which is why I'm finding myself typing this at this late of an hour. And Moore sleeps behind me as if he has no care in the world. It's so hard to look at someone, knowing that you want him, and just having to suck it up again, and just let him rest peacefully...

Forgotten...

I'm not able to sleep like I want at night. I mean, I can get in the bed, but I just sit there, my thoughts racing. My heart is heavy. The tears that come are only surface tears, it's deeper than what my eyes let out. My heart is screaming, but it's as if it's mute; no one can hear it, not even my body to the point where it will alleviate some pressure by just allowing the tears to freely flow (one of those nasty crying moments, where your entire face becomes distorted and your body experiences sheer discomforting aches afterwards). I'm in need of that. But, nothing comes out.

Last night, Jenee went to Moore's room to fish for some more information. Moore hates being surprised. She stayed in his room for about three hours discussing what's going on with him. She told me that he was talking around her questions and not answering them directly. She could tell he was getting pretty antsy when she kept asking questions; he had to take out his keyboard and began playing in order to get some of his thoughts out. He was apparently answering her through song, but of course she could not interpret the answers. And it all came down to him asking her why was she the one asking him those questions. By some of the comments Jenee told me he made, it made me want to talk to him even more. Every inch of my being was on fire. I was angry, inspired, sick, humiliated, sad, puzzled, and happy all at once; if that's even possible. My conscience would not let me rest. So at 2:00am, I call Moore and tell him to come to my room.

He comes, looking like he's sleepy and is complaining the entire time he's in my room about how late it is. I explain to him that I really don't know what to say, but that I need to talk to him because I can't get any sleep over it. Sometimes we have to do things that we don't feel like doing." He says, "Well, I'm laying down. I'm going to fall asleep. You can talk to me while I sleep."

And my heart sinks. If he only knew how hard it is for me. If he only knew that I absolutely fear putting myself out there and not being accepted. He doesn't know the torment I experience of not having control over how I feel; because if it were my choice, I would be emotionless when it comes to all kinds of relationships just to run from pain and anguish. I'm a coward. I admit it. This is the one thing that I cannot seem to win at in my life. I have been so successful regarding everything else, but I cannot seem to succeed in opening myself up.

So, I ask Moore, "Are you willing to have a conversation and communicate with me right now, or do you want to leave." He basically says, "I think it would be better to have a conversation some other time. I'm too tired to have a discussion." I ask him if I should schedule a time in my calendar. He replies, "No. Just make sure that it's before 2:00am, 1:00am, 12:00am, or 11:00pm." I say, "Well goodnight." He says, "Maybe you should read your bible or something if you can't sleep. Goodnight. See ya." He leaves and I lay there in my bed, my pillow slowly dampening from the few tears that come for two hours and I get about an hour and a half of sleep before I wake up for classes.

Lee, it's so hard. And I'm not just talking about the situation. I'm talking about my heart. I'm trying to put myself out there. I'm trying to open up to people. I really feel like I'm trying. Then the door slams in my face. And the automatic reaction is for my heart to develop an extra covering, blocking all those who try to enter. My wall of defense increases. I become more cold, not even wanting anyone to touch me. It just happens and I become jaded.

I can understand that maybe I surprised him by wanting to talk that early in the morning. But the thing is, he could clearly see how bad I was bothered, and he didn't say or do anything. I wasn't in the mood for his sarcasm-patronizing me through his words. He made it seem like I was being an inconvenience. And I never say anything to him when I could clearly consider him to be an inconvenience, because I put all that aside when it comes to him. If he has an issue, or if any of my friends have an issue, time is not an issue, even when it seems like it could be a real inconvenience to me. Don't ever make me feel like I'm being an inconvenience, because I'll remove myself altogether to ensure I'm not an inconvenience ever again.

The more I think about it, the more vulnerable I feel. My heart needs a rest.
Avril Lavigne sums it up in "Forgotten:"

"I know I wanna run away
I know I wanna run away
Run away
If only I could run away
If only I could run away
Run away
I told you what I wanted
I told you what I wanted
What I wanted
But I was forgotten
I won't be forgotten
Never again"

My mind's playing tricks on me; or is it?...

Last night was very (what's the word I'm looking for) surreal. Eugene came over to talk to me about my guy issue concerning Moore. He told me that Moore was more than likely using last week to see where I was coming from with the card. When I never mentioned anything and continued to act like I always do with him, he probably assumed that I wrote the card coming from a friend perspective and nothing more. So, as always, I'm going to have to bring the subject up verbally if I want anything to potentially happen. You know how I feel about that one.

So, as Eugene continued to talk, he started to tell me about some conversations that he's been having with God lately. Now, these aren't conversations where Eugene prays and waits for God to respond. These are like conversations that two friends would be having back and forth. I witnessed this last night. Now, it would be normal to be freaked out about it, but I was more in a state of awe than anything else, especially when the conversation focus was aimed at me.

There are things that I have not told Eugene about, or anyone here at school, about how I'm feeling. And these are the things that came out of Eugene's mouth last night as he was allowing God to talk to him and talk through him. It even came to a point where I began asking questions in my own head, and Eugene would open his mouth and answer the question immediately after I had just asked it. And what really hit home was when Eugene said something that caused me to break down in tears and he literally felt the deepness of the scars that I have deep within me and later told me that he felt a brief moment of what I've apparently been feeling for while, and that he's concerned because that pain was unbearable. And all I could do was look at him, desperately fighting the tears from coming, and said, "Yeah." I was speechless.

So, what did I take away from last night? Well, apparently I'm so busy, but with all the wrong things. I can make time for everything else, but I can't make time for God. God has been wanting me to do something and speaking to me, and I keep ignoring Him; what that is and when He's spoken, I don't know. The paranoia has got to stop because clearly God is not in what I'm being paranoid about; I need to let it go and stop letting stuff get to me. I need to stop feeling like I need to prove myself to others, when instead I need to be proving myself to God. I need to search for love in God rather than continuously desiring a relationship with a man; it was said that I keep wondering why I'm alone, but the fact of the matter is that God is going to continue to make sure that I'm alone until I do what He's instructed me to do. The only way I'll feel a sense of completeness is if I come to Him and stop trying to do everything by myself or go to others for answers; it is only when I turn to God that I will feel fulfilled and then God will be able to bring someone into my life. And lastly, I've learned that it's time for me to stop relying on baby food and look towards solid food; I can't keep running away, trying to remain in my box, trying to live this life by myself. It's time for me to put myself out there because I can't be used unless I allow myself to be used.

It's just so much stuff. My brain feels jumbled. I've read a portion of the book, "Conversation With God" before, and it made me think a lot. But, never did I imagine that I would experience something like that face-to-face. I remember one more thing that was said, "Stop looking in the Book for the answers. It's time that you have a conversation with me." I don't know how. I mean, I've asked questions in my head, I've even talked out loud like a mad woman, but I don't hear anything. I don't feel anything. I mean, I feel even more lost and confused than before because I feel absolutely crazy. What in the heck is going on?

As always, I'm waiting for something...

It could all be so simple...

So, Eugene finally called me up last night and said he wanted to talk. I allowed him to come over, and we finally had a heart-to-heart conversation. He was a little under the influence (and I'm not talking about alcohol), so his emotions weren't all over the place, which helped. So, we've squashed it, and are willing to move on with placing a great emphasis on keeping communication open and not letting little things fester into big things. Progress has been made in that area and I'm happy.

It's so weird to have someone on your mind constantly, to the point where even your dreams are focusing on that individual (Moore). I went to his room last night and played a video game along with some of his friends. Clearly, I was absolutely horrible at it; everyone was laughing at me, including Moore, but when I would get up to leave, he would ask me to stay. I still ended up leaving though.

This morning, I woke up to get ready for church and I called Moore up and left him a message telling him what time I'm leaving, if he wanted to go, and to just be at my room at a certain time if he chose, otherwise "Have a nice day." So, it comes time for me to leave and Moore isn't at my room. I walk down the steps and am about to leave the building, when Moore enters the stairwell with his bible in hand and of course, my heart skips a beat. There's something about a young man with his bible that gives me chills. Jesus, help me!

So, we get to church. The spirit-filled atmosphere is set. Moore stands at my right with his head bowed and eyes closed. I stand by his side singing songs of praise. And I feel complete, yet empty at the same time, because clearly I don't know what's going on in his head.

It comes to the sermon and there is a guest preacher. The sermon title is so fit for my situation: "Making Decisions." And the entire time I'm wondering if Moore is seeing a connection or not. Him being a guy, I would doubt if it even crossed his mind. There are four questions I took away from the message that are crucial to think about when making a decision: "1. How will this decision affect me spiritually? 2. If I make this decision, what other decisions will I have to make? 3. If I make this decision, what effect will it have on my testimony? 4. How will my decision influence others?" A lot to think about.

So in essence, it is wise to take time to gather one's thoughts before making any decisions. But, I wonder if Moore is trying to figure me out to see if I meant I liked him by what I said, or if I was just saying things coming from a 'friend/sisterly' perspective. I don't know. I'm basically at a loss for words. It's like I want to bring up the subject with him, but I don't want to pressure him and ultimately scare him away. My brain, my heart, my, my, my. If only he truly knew of the spell he has on me...

Sweet serenity...

It's just one of those days. The sky is drizzling. The air is damp and everything appears to be in a state of depression. Everyone's waiting for Spring to come-for new beginnings, rejuvination, and inspiration. I too fall into this category. I'm ready for change. I want to see new things. I want to experience the extraordinary. I want to step 'out of the box' into a whole new light.

Eugene is still not talking to me. He's still very heated, and I've been informed to just stay out of his path. I think what makes me so upset about all of this is that I would do anything for him. I love him and hate to see him upset. Especially, when his being upset is directed at me; someone who clearly feels at a loss for words and if I did have words, he would not want to hear them. So, as with everyone else in my life, I'll give him his time too.

Moore spent the night again last night. Needless to say, nothing was said; just the two of us sleeping in the same room together, but yet so far away. And I still wait. That's just the story of my life. The title would be: "Miss Analyzation And Her Journey...Nowhere." Wouldn't you go see that in the theaters? Yeah right. It's not even one I would rent.

Speaking of rentals, I've rented the 'Notebook.' I've heard it's a tear jerker; I'm in the mood for that. I'm in for the evening, by myself. I'm going to put on my pjs, pop a bag of popcorn, get some tissue for the tears, snuggle under the covers of my bed, and absorb myself in me.

'Tic-toc' goes the clock...

It's Wednesday and I can't wait until this weekend. I'll finally have the opportunity to do things that make me happy and not have to participate in activities that are mandated by others. I need 'me' time. So, what's been going on with me for the past couple of days?

My grades aren't looking good at all. I feel like I'm not getting it or something. It's like the material that I'm missing is fairly simple stuff, which makes it even worse. After reviewing over the answers after taking the test(s), it all makes sense. It's when I'm taking the test(s) that everything seems to just jumble together. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm in the right field of study. But, when I'm in a situation where I'm dealing with people like I will in my profession, I feel right at home. It's like I have the the people smarts, but the book smarts are what I'm not able to retain. With time, I hope it gets better. But sadly, I know that time is not on my side when it comes to academics.

So, Moore spent the night the other night. We acted like we always do, but he didn't mention the card like I expected him to. I was beginning to wonder if he even read the card. I ended up dozing off in my bed as he fell asleep on the floor.

Jenee calls me up yesterday to see if Moore responded to the card. I tell her, "Nope!" She then says that she's going to call him to fish for some information, and of course because I really want to know what he's thinking, I allow Jenee to call. She hangs up with me and proceeds to call him...

About twenty minutes later, Jenee calls me back and tells me that she asked Moore what he had gotten for Valentine's Day (to get information on the sly). He tells her that he received a card and banana pudding from me. She asks what the card said. He doesn't tell her. She says, "I only know that one part says, 'This card is for your eyes only' because that's what she had told me when I asked her what she was writing." He chuckled at her remark. She then asks what he thought about the card. He says, "It was fine......well, I wasn't really shocked by what the card said; I saw it coming, but I was thrown off by the timing. That's what's really getting to me because I've never been the one to be thrown off guard and she caught me with my guards down. So, I really need some time." Jenee asks, "Is that a good thing or a bad thing? He replies, "That's a good thing." Jenee then asks, "Have you responded to the card?" Moore says, "No, I haven't. I need some time to think about things. I don't want to go to her without having everything together. It can't be one of those twenty minute conversations. I need to have a long conversation with her; one of those all night conversations."

So now, I'm caught off guard because I'm wondering what the heck does he have to think about and how much time he needs. It's weird knowing that something is coming, but not knowing when it's coming or what exactly is coming. Jenee asked me what I'm doing this weekend. Aside from me having 'me' time, I don't have anything else really planned. Hopefully all the time that Moore needs will be had by this weekend so maybe we can have an all-nighter conversation. But then again, good things come to those who wait. So, as hard as it may be, I'm going to stop being selfish about this and give him all the time he needs...

Funny feelings on Valentine's Day...

I'm a little frustrated. I typed up this entire blog to have it just erase before my eyes when I attempted to publish it. So, now I'm writing it all over again. Let me see how much I remember...

Your letter was beautiful. Although you are not able to say what you feel to that special someone, I hope you feel better. I know how it feels to feel a certain way, but not being able to express it. It's not so much that you're not able to express it, but rather you find yourself limited because you're trying to appease the other party and not make them feel awkward. And since you're not able to help how you feel, it drives you crazy because it seems like you're the only one feeling that way and that everyone else is content with the current way of things. Does that even make any sense or am I just rambling?

Well, piano man came by today to give be a roll of toilet tissue (I've run out) and he brought my two chocolate roses (he gave me one last year and today, he told me that he will give me an extra rose each year). I made piano man a banana pudding for V-day; he's been saying that he has a taste for a homemade banana pudding. Hold on a second; let me give piano man a name. From now on, I'll refer to him as Moore. So, I went ahead and made him a decent sized pudding and presented it to him tonight. I also had made him a Valentine's Day card (one like you'd make in elementary school with the paper, markers, stickers and cut out hearts). However, on the inside, I actually wrote something from my heart. I did it in a creative way (I wrote the fairly long message in a circular pattern). It's probably going to drive him crazy when he reads it. I basically told him that I appreciate who he is and I thanked him for all the attributes I admire about him. I told him that I thank God for allowing me the opportunity to have him in my life. I summed it all up by saying, "I love you for being you." Of course I had to add a P.S. in there which said, "This card is for your eyes only. Happy Valentine's Day." When I gave him the card he was about to open it and read it in front of me, but I told him to not read it in my presence. He looked a little puzzled as to why I wouldn't want him to read it in front of me, to which I responded with, "I don't like when people read cards that I've given them in front of me." So, he went ahead and put the card away and left.

He'll be back later though. He asked me if he could spend the night in my room tonight because his roommate will be needing their room tonight. Gotta love the night of Valentine's Day. So, I told him he could and asked him to bring his X-box. The other night he asked me to play video games with him and I had a great time. I tried three games I've never played, and I absolutely loved this tennis game he has. It was really fun. Well, to be honest, playing video games all together is fun when playing with him. He talks a lot of noise, but so do I, and it's actually fun losing to him.

So, I shall see if he brings up the contents of the card in conversation tonight. I wonder if the card made him think, or if he just read it and tossed it to the side. I hope that if he does want to talk about it that I'm able to answer any questions he might have. All I know is that I'm feeling kind of funny right now, and quite frankly, it's nothing to laugh about.