Mind boggling...

Last night, or should I say early this morning, I had a phone conversation that literally made my brain hurt. It's so weird when you think that you know someone really well and all of a sudden that person does something that seems so extraordinary for his or her character. It kind of makes you think twice when defending someone's character because in reality you're thinking, "Do I really know this person?"

I just think what bugs me the most is that I know whomever I allow to be close to me are treasures (I only accept the best). They are capable of doing whatever they put their minds to. They are gifts from God, and the last time I checked, God does not give trash. So, when I see these 'diamonds' stooping down to 'cubic zirconia' tendencies, I can't help but to take a double take and wonder what the heck is going on.

But, regardless of what I may know or not know about the people that I consider close friends, I know that our relationships are deeper than whatever they choose to do with their lives. I love them no matter what. I might have to catch myself sometimes with how I respond to their seemingly foolish behavior, but that does not tarnish the fact that I genuinely care for them.

I realize that each person is different and what comes with that are different behavior styles. I may not behave a certain way, but that does not make me any better than my neighbor. All I can do is pray. Not only pray for those in my path, but also myself so that God can reveal to me where exactly I play into this whole thing. I just hope He will wipe away this confusion and replace it with peace and understanding.

It's okay to be selfish sometimes...

Ya know, I thought about ending this whole blog thing. I too thought, "Maybe I need to keep these thoughts to myself. Nobody needs to know what's really going on in my head." But after getting online and contemplating writing my 'Final Blog,' I began to read my prior posts and realized that it's not about other people. When it comes down to it, it's about me.

If anything, these blogs help me get stuff out that I keep packed away in my mind. It's a stress reliever and a constant reminder of where I've come from, although it might not seem like there is any progress. But, whatever. It's soothing to read words from the past and know that I am a strong individual with words of encouragement within; it's nice to be encouraged by my own being. So, I shall continue this blogging thing. It might not be often that I write, but it will be when I feel the need to. It's my time.

So, what's been up in my world? A lot has happened with me in the past month. A LOT. I have learned a lot about myself and my values. God has showed me that He has an annointing over me, because I have truly been and felt 'set apart.' And He has reminded me that it's not always going to be easy-this thing called 'Life.' There are nights that I just question, "God, why me?" And there is always something or someone that reminds me that this place is not my home, so I am never going to be truly content with how things operate down here. And what I can do is simply be that light that He has created me to be. Boy, it sure is hard! But, I'm still standing.

As far as my love life, or the lack of, I've learned a lot too. I have finally stepped out of my comfort zone and told someone how I truly feel about him. Well, I sounded and felt like a complete idiot, but the fact is, I did it and that's all that matters. Now, I sit here and I feel naked. I feel vulnerable, and I absolutely detest that feeling. In many ways, I wish I could take back everything I said, because now I'm wondering what he's thinking. I have not talked to him in a week. I sent him a holiday card via email, but received no response. All I can do is wait. God is truly testing my patience. So, me being me, I'm thinking in 'What If' mode, and there are no positive thoughts that come to mind. I think I messed up by telling him how I felt, and on top of that, by sending him an email that basically stated that I missed him and hope that he's having a good holiday break. I know that I'm probably deep in my Miss Analyzation mode, but I can't seem to get past that. I don't want to start 2005 with uneccessary stress on my mind, but then again, we don't always get what we want in life. I'm a true witness to that!!!

On top of all this, Jenee is in a new relationship with a guy who is very much so the ideal guy. I can imagine her glowing smile simply by her tone of voice through the phone. Just like her last boyfriend, I can see how this is going to play out. Every other word out of her mouth will consist of his name. Now, I'm not intentionally trying to rain on her parade; in all honesty, I'm really happy for her. I just think that I'm beginning to see how this relationship thing works.

When girls don't have a significant other, they tend to cling to their friends and talk about all kinds of things (guys are a main topic, of course), but gradually each girl begins to find someone that occupies her time and constant thoughts. When this happens, girls are so caught up with 'my man' that they are forgetful of life outside of a relationship. So, what am I feeling? I guess I'm scared. I'm scared of not being able to talk to Jenee about what I'm feeling because I don't want to make her lose her 'high' feeling. I admit that I'm jealous that I don't have someone to constantly brag about. And I'm terrified that if I get in a relationship, that I'll fall into the same pattern that so many other girls do, and have my life revolve around 'my man.' You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Don't you just love it?

It's funny, as I type this thing, I feel like Carrie Bradshaw from 'Sex and the City.' You would think that me being the Christian girl that I am, that I would detest the vulgarity of that show, but I absolutely love it!!! The truth is, beyond the surface of sex, those women are just like any other woman in our society. Each desires to be loved for who she truly is. Each is afraid of not living a fulfilling life. Each is searching for something. But most importantly, each person is real. That's it! They're all real, and that's what I like. There is no 'fake factor.' What you see is what you get. As I've matured, I refuse to judge someone else because behind each person there is a story. But I must say, I have much respect for those who are real than for those who portray something that they are not. And the sad thing is, there are a lot of fake people walking around aimlessly in this world.

So, I sit here....I think I'll go read myself to sleep like I have been for the past few nights. It should be of no surprise that it's a romance novel. I feel so much better right now because I've gotten a lot of stuff off my chest through this blog. This is a form of therapy for me. And I've come to accept that I'm not as abnormal as I sometimes think I am. We all have our hang ups; some, more than others. When it comes down to it, I'm just human.