What time is it?...

Sittin' hear, vibin' to Anthony Hamilton. I'm in the mood to write. About what...I don't know. But, I know the words will come if I just type.

So, tomorrow is the day; the beginning of another academic year. As much as I keep telling people that I'm not ready for it to start, I'm excited in some sense to learn; I feel like expanding myself and yearn for the moment when that light bulb goes off in my head and everything will all of a sudden make sense. This metaphor not only applies with textbook knowledge, but also the book of my life. Each day, I hope that I am taking one step closer to finding the reason for it all and cringe at the thought that instead I'm taking two steps backwards and am so far from the mark.

I'm just feeling so...hmmmmm....I'm trying to dig deep here, but nothing is budging. I have this feeling in my heart. And it's one of those unexplainable feelings. It's the type where it takes a comment from a person in order for me to be able to tap into this feeling; to be able to just talk for hours about life. And I want to have a conversation with someone that I'm not used to talking to, for it to mean that much more. I want to be caught off guard-not expecting anything and just be in a state of awe at the revelation that has been conveyed to me. I want something different.

I'm tired of that same feeling that keeps creeping into my consciousness~the feeling of inadequacy. I consider myself a person with confidence, but people would be lying if they said that they always have a high self-esteem. A person has to have some sense of inadequacy in order to make it in this world. The root of determination has some connection with the fear of being inadequate in the fact that the current situation just isn't quite good enough.

But anyway, I'm already realizing that this year I'm really going to have to not let my environment influence my feeling of self worth. I have to surround myself with positivity and distance myself from people that will just put me in a state of funk (neither my mind, body, spirit, nor grades can carry that burden this year). I've been there, done that, and can't afford to take that route again.
...........
So, I just took a break and went to the store next door to get some groceries. I feel a little bit better now. I saw one of my homosexual friends who's a student staff member too. He transferred to another building this year that is more conservative than the building he worked in last year. So, he says to me, "How do you think they'll (the residents) take it once they find out that I'm a faggot?" And he asks this jokingly, but still it kind of offended me that he referred to himself in such a way. And then it made me feel bad that a person would have to worry about sharing a part of him to others in hopes that they won't reject him. Again, the feeling of inadequacy, and the worry that the way you are isn't good enough to someone else. That feeling is absolutely horrible.

I went to D's house last night. Yes, I said last night. And again, we just talked and chilled for a bit. No physical stuff happened, but man, the temptation is there. I still can't read him completely, but then again, that's something that intrigues me about him. As Eugene told me, "You like those bad boys." And the weird thing is, I am attracted to "bad boys" to some extent. But yet, I know that's not what I need. After I left D's place, I went over the folks' place (Jenee, Eugene, Miles, & Mari). Miles and I went to some neighbor's house party down the street. We clearly didn't know anyone, but we had a good time in the garage playing 'flip cup' (a drinking game). It was a really fun night and Miles and I were pretty gone by the time we got back to his place (well, the party kind of dispersed when the police arrived, so we ran behind the houses to jump his deck and escaped successfully). I have never seen Miles like that; we joked around and laughed the whole night. That was definitely what I needed before classes start.

That's about everything. I ended up texting W last night and he called me immediately after he got the text. I was definitely talking crazy and he knew I was under the influence. I'm going to have to call him back and apologize for whatever I might have said. I have a slight feeling; well, I know that I'm playing with fire when I talk to W one minute, and then talk to D the next. And I can't imagine what's going to happen when W comes in about a month and how awkward I'm going to feel if I find myself in the same room with the two of them. I won't jump ahead though. Things can change just like that. There's no need to rush.

So, here's to a great year. Here's to the laughs, the tears, the struggles, and the achievements. Here's to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Here's to you and your dreams. Here's to us. It's our time.

It's so hard to say good-bye...

So, I just got off the phone with Joseph not too long ago. And it was nothing like the conversations we've had in the past. There was a lot of silence and tears on my end.

We started off talking like old times, and suddenly he tells me that he's transferred from the University. And I'm thinking that he's kidding, but clearly he's not. Apparently last Friday, football pushed him over the edge. It was apparent to him that he was not going to be playing 1st string yet again this year by the way practices had been running. And because other schools had still been contacting him to recruit him, he decided to go ahead and accept an offer from Kentucky. He cleared his locker, all his belongings from his place, and made his way back home to St. Louis. Tomorrow morning, he drives to Kentucky to begin a new chapter.

Jenee asked me why I cried: "Was it because you thought about the opportunity of you two ever getting together is over?" I thought about it, but that's not the reason. It's the fact that I didn't get the chance to give him a proper good-bye before he left. He called me on Friday when I was busy with work stuff, so I couldn't answer the phone. But, he didn't leave me a message. I asked him today why didn't he leave me a message and he stated that he didn't want to say good-bye to me via voicemail, but wanted to see me in person, but I didn't answer, so he decided that he'd just tell me later. I guess it was easier for him to do it that way. I went ahead and told him that my heart hurt after hearing that he'd transferred and that I was crying. He said that he had cried too before he left because that was the last thing he had wanted~to have to leave a place he had become so accustomed to. But, he knew that his dreams would never have the opportunity to come true if he had stayed. And I can't be mad at him at all for that.

I told him that as a long as he's happy, I am happy. I told him that he knows what he has to do when he gets there and that he needs to make sure to keep his focus. I told him to keep in touch. And I told him good-bye. I mean, I know we'll still talk to each other, but I also know that with change comes change (if that makes any sense at all). There are very few people in my life where when change occurred, our relationships stayed the same (constant contact). There are many that I don't know a single thing that happened to them since the day they graduated from highschool. And there is only one that I know of that change actually made our relationship stronger (you know who you are).

I can only hope that Joseph will succeed. He's already excited: "I have the same feeling now that I had when I was recruited from highschool. I'm ready!" And it's refreshing to hear him sound so energetic and enthusiastic after sensing his confidence decreasing each year because he wasn't being played the way he was expecting. Although my heart is saddened, I'm excited for him and I pray that God gives him the desires of his heart. May he find his place in Kentucky.

And yet, another disappears from the story of my life. What does the next chapter hold for me?

Be Wise...

First of all, you have nothing to worry about. I did not go to D's place tonight. He didn't even call me, so that's that. I really didn't feel like going anyway because of the rain, and quite frankly I didn't feel like being uncomfortable in an apartment full of guys. So, I'm not upset one bit. I'm actually relieved to some extent. By the way, thanks for the text; it's nice to know that you care.

My mother sent me an email the other day basically going off on me, but in a motherly concerned tone. She essentially said that when I don't think things through and just wait to the last minute to make decisions and live so nonchalantly, I am ultimately cheating myself. I need to think and plan ahead. Although she included an example of an incident that seemed minor, I understood that she had a deeper meaning to her message and I appreciated her words. She ended with this: "BE WISE!, as the person I know God has blessed you to be. You're cheating yourself." And I just sat there in thought.

J called me today after I had left her a message earlier. I hadn't talked to her in a really long time (about a three weeks). I would call and get no response back and was wondering what was going on and if I had possibly done something to cause her to be so distant. She told me that she's been going through a lot of stuff; family members keep ending up in the hospital, summer school didn't go all that well for her, relationships aren't filling the void that she continously has, and overall she just feels that God is mad at her and keeps throwing a bunch of crap in her face. "I just don't know what to do anymore," is her basic feeling. And it's so hard to tell a person something that they already know they need to be doing. She knows that she needs to praise God in spite of. She knows that she needs to have the faith that God has not forsaken her. She knows that everything happens for a reason. She knows that she will be blessed if she just perseveres through the storm. She knows, yet she continues to be in a constant funk. It's been like this for years for her and I've experienced a couple of them with her.

I explained to her that Lee and I had a discussion about how we know what we want but continue to settle for less and how we always end up in the predicament of wondering if we will ever meet Mr. Right or have the fairytale lifestyle that we dream of. Just as God keeps testing us to see if we'll finally wake up and only accept what we know is acceptable, He'll continue to test J's faith and obedience to continuously praise Him spite of before He progresses to the next stage. He can't give us steak and potatoes until He gets us past the baby food. But, we determine our growth through our actions.

I still haven't had the opportunity to talk to Moore. And the funny thing is, as it happened before, the more I don't talk to him the more the feeling (well, I'll say the heart fluttering) begins to decrease. Yesterday I was sitting at dinner with my staff, and I was sitting by a staff member who used to be a resident last year on the same floor as Moore and she mentioned his name and based off my response to what she said, she could tell that I had more than 'just friends' feelings for him. And she made the statement that she could tell that Moore had a crush on me too. So, I'm sitting there and I can tell that my boss was interested in the story behind Moore, so I went ahead and told it. And I got their sympathy and began to feel a bit sorry for myself. But, the feeling passed, until right now as I write this. (Sigh) I don't think that's something that goes away though. It's not supposed to. It makes you who you are and gives you hope that you'll feel that feeling again. I really caught myself when I stated to Lee that it hurts to be in love with someone because in all honestly I never felt about anyone the way I felt/feel about Moore. I know the feeling of infatuation, but by no means was that the feeling with him. It was pure satisfaction in knowing that I accepted everything about him; the things that absolutely frustrated me and the things that made my heart overjoyed. He was everything and made me want to be my absolute best. And that's something that just doesn't end. And as the tears well up in my eyes, it's not soley out of sadness, but rather an appreciation that I've been blessed to have the opportunity to feel such a way about someone.

So, school begins in a week and I know this year will be whatever I make it to be. It's my choice and my actions will dictate the outcome. Man, free will can be frustrating sometimes. But God never promised this journey to be easy. I know what I must do. Now, it's just about doing it. It's not only time to make my mama proud, but to give myself the type of respect and courtesy that I know I deserve. It's time to stop being my own worst enemy.

To him...

So, I wrote this for him after he sent me an email a while back (of course I'm not giving it to him)...just my emotions at the time, that for some reason, even after a few months, are continuing to flood my insides again. Will this ever end???

To whom it may concern:

It's pure torture thinking about you
Wondering what could've been
Can friends truly be lovers?
If I had only opened up
There would be no doubt
Yay or nay
And I would know
The chapter would be closed
But, no matter how hard I try to move on
You enter my mind when I'm trying to keep focused
The book, refusing to close
Just sits there
Untouched, due to fear
All was fine 'til you broke the trend of non-communication between us
Through written language, of course
Acknowledging my feelings, but still remaining silent about yours
Maybe I did read correctly at that time
You entered my life for the season I needed you
Then you went away
Forcing me to figure some things out
To end the indecisiveness
Find out what I want and don't want
A lesson I needed to learn, in spite of the pain
And now, I surrender......
You're the standard
Following Paul's example; imitating the walk of Christ
Potentials vs. The Product
No one compares
You win everytime
"Flawless Victory," as in Mortal Kombat
Why must I be the victim in this battle of emotions?
But, the story can't just end like this
My spirit won't let it die
There's more to come
Another chapter to begin
Another tear to shed
Another note to write
Until then...
Sincerely,
Yours (or at least I'd like to think that)