Would I Be Wrong?...

Would I be wrong to think about myself for once?
To pick and choose when and with whom to occupy the time, on MY time
Not take a single moment to contemplate the other side
But live my life as if I determine whether I'm really happy...rely on me for once

Would I be wrong to not respond to you, when you choose to talk? To be: "That Bitch"
And tell you: Don't come to me when it's convenient for you
If you see me, keep walking
If you think of me, don't pick up the phone to tell me...I ain't got the time, nor energy

I don't do well with inconsistency
I'm finding myself feeling needy
Thinking about you; wondering if you're thinking about me
And that's not like me; so I'm choosing to finally be free

I'll let you be
You let me be
And if we cross paths some day
Maybe I'll say hey.....depending on how I'm feeling

But, would I be wrong to not acknowledge you?
To do you like you do me
Or do I follow the Golden Rule?
Then again, I've never been too fond of gold

Would I be wrong to resort back to The Wall?
Built meticulously.....brick by brick
Higher and higher with each occurrence
Not allowing anyone to get too close; my heart can only take so much!

Would I be wrong to resort to this new way of thinking?
ME, ME, ME
F*** you!
Man, that sure doesn't sound like me; but that's what you've done to me

If you don't speak to me at all
At least do me this one favor
Answer this, please:
Would I be wrong?

My bad, I'm forgetting......it's not about you anymore; it's about ME
Well, since that's the case
HELL NAH, I WOULDN'T BE WRONG!
What kinda stupid question is that?!!!

Picture Perfect...

Does anyone really have it all figured out? I mean, you have relationship specialists, Dr. Phil wannabees, talk show after talk show, psychic hotlines, pastor, preachers, teachers, parents, friends, and the like all giving advice as if they know every freakin' thing. But in reality, if each individual were alone in a room, just by him/herself in complete silence, he/she too would be questioning what it's all about~'why they are living, and what they really want.' That's humanity....acting like we have it all figured out, but deep inside there's always as yearning for something more; just anything.

My life........oh, my life has been so predictable. I've become comfortable with being uncomfortable because I'm so used to it. It makes sense in my head anyway. It's like I'm at the point where I know what's going to happen before it even does~that is being able to judge what others are going to do before they even do it, just based off history of what they did before. And it really kind of stinks to know in the back of your mind that when people tell you one thing, you're really thinking, "Yeah right. I'll believe it when I see it." I'm dismissing folks and I'm not really feeling bad about it, but then again, I dismiss then invite them back in in hopes that it will be different. Funny, ain't it? Enough is enough. It comes a point when people are going to have to be on my time. I'm not dwelling on this earth to be a convience to an inconveniency. My purpose encompasses much more.

The more time I spend dealing with patients in the hospital, the greater feeling I get. I can't really explain it. But, I can look into a patient's eyes and know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. This past week I had a deaf/mute patient in an immoble state, and tubes coming from almost every crevice of her body. And the only way of communication, which was minimal, was through her eyes. The eyes are truly a window to the soul because I could feel her soul. I could feel what she wanted to sign through her hands.

She looked at me as if to say, "I never thought I'd be in this state. And now, I've been in this hospital bed for almost two months as a result of a five second accident. Just like that, and now I'm here with you hovering over me. I went from being able to care for myself to having a new nurse every day with her hands all over my body. I used to have a phobia about people touching me; now, I have no choice, do I? I can tell when people come in the room, they dismiss me and think I should just be admitted to a nursing home to await my death. They don't have the faith. And I'm finding that although it's taking a long time for me to even be able to move a leg, or open my mouth, I'm going to be just fine. Because, it's in my nature to press on..."

When it was time for to leave her, on day two, I took her hand and said that it was my time to leave. Her whole face demeanor changed as if to say she didn't want me to go. She then paused and her body started shaking a bit as if she was attempting to raise her body from the bed. I really don't know what she was trying to do, but she was trying to raise herself up.....I like to think that she was illustrating that she's going to get there eventually~to the point of being able to ambulate~just with faith and time. I stroked her arm and signed, "See ya later." And she grinned a bit. As I left I glimpsed back and her head had returned on her right side, with her eyes staring into space. And I left that room, praying that she will make it through this trial in her life. I have faith that she'll be just fine. I see it in her.

One can't help to feel guilty about being upset about petty things when dealing with a patient who is in a far worse condition. Whether she realizes it or not, she was a blessing to me. How ironic, eh? But, she taught me a lot about myself, about my heart, and about my mindset. I was a bit apprehensive about having a patient like her, just based off the extensive care she needed, but it was an absolutely incredible experience.

I may not know everything. Nor, do I want to know everything. But, I do know something. It's about time for me to just let it be. Stop trying to force something that isn't. Stop trying to pick up the brush and paint the picture. I need to be the paint and just allow my Father to pick up His glorious brush and use me in the canvas of life. It's not about the picture I want to see, it's about the picture He has already set in order to be that impact on someone else. With simple obedience~then and only then, His glory can and truly will be revealed.