Short and sweet...

So, I decided not to write a letter. I just wasn't feeling it. And maybe it has to do with me knowing that the time is going to come when I have to let everything out verbally; no more of the writing to get my feelings across.

Maybe I'll become enlightened while I'm away and develop a totally new perspective about life; maybe not. But right now, I'm actually doing fine. I don't feel like I have any baggage holding me down. I feel free and ready for whatever God has in store.

So, I'll end this like this. No good-byes. No sadness. No tears. Just a smile, a wink, and a nod that everything is going to be alright. I'm walking with my head held high; ain't no looking back. Let the journey begin...

I think there's something more, life's worth living for
Who knows what could happen.
Do what you do, just keep on laughing
One thing's true, there's always a brand new day
I'm gonna live today like it's my last day ~Avril Lavigne

No such thing as Never Never Land...

It's about time to write up another one of these. What's going on with me? Well, pretty much nothing. Just getting ready to leave the good 'ole U.S.A. for a bit. I feel like I have so much to do, but so little time. And the closer I get to the date of departure, the more nervous I get.

In one aspect, I'm ready to go, but in another aspect, I want to stay. As always, I don't like not knowing what to expect. So, I'm going into this blindly. That freaks the heck out of me.

I was intending on taking some books to read and some of my CDs, but was told by my father that I don't need to take those; I should be fully submerging myself into the culture and language. So, I'm taking nothing pertaining to the English language. The only English I will be using is for my journals. This ain't no joke!!!

What else???

Well, I've talked to W less and less for the past couple of days. And that's weird seeing that phone calls are free on weekends. Last night I had called him up because he didn't call me back like I told him to, he answered, apologized for not calling me back; we talked for about all of two minutes, and his phone acted up and hung up. I called him back (phone still acting up), no response. He called me two hours later and left a message:

"What's up Ms. (my name)? You know who this is. My phone is actin' crazy all over again. So...I just thought I'd leave you this voicemail, let you know I didn't forget your phone call, or whatever. Hey, I gotta get back on my P's & Q's anyway; I feel like I'm losing cool points, you know what I'm sayin'? Just cuz I ain't talked to you enough on the phone. So...when you get time, holla at yo' boy."

And have I called him back yet? Nah sir. Why? I don't know. What's the point, really? It's just going to make me feel helpless and hopeless; knowing that I want to see him, but can't. And I probably won't really have the opportunity to do so when I do return; that's if everything is the same, which I have a slight feeling that it won't. I know I'll call him later though and sit there in silence. You know what the silence is? You probably do. It's all fear. Yep, fear.....The one thing that has always seemed to have somewhat of a strong hold on my life.

Well, I must get to packing or something. I wish you could be there with me in that foreign land. But then again, I know it's about time for me to do something on my own for once. Too bad that I can't be like Peter Pan and live in a dream world where everything is pure bliss. I'm finally forced to deal with reality; it's time to grow up.

(NEVER NEVER LAND LYRICS)
I have a place where dreams are born,
And time is never planned.
It's not on any chart,
You must find it with your heart.
Never Never Land.

It might be miles beyond the moon,
Or right there where you stand.
Just keep an open mind,
And then suddenly you'll find
Never Never Land.

You'll have a treasure if you stay there,
More precious far than gold.
For once you have found your way there,
You can never, never grow old.

And that's my home where dreams are born,
And time is never planned.
Just think of lovely things.
And your heart will fly on wings,
Forever in Never Never Land.

Poem #2...

"What up, luv?"

'Ole boy got my mind a racin'
Spittin' a new type of slang
Dat ooey gooey stuff
Hormones outta control
He doin' it to me
And he prolly don't know
Talkin' wit dat country twang
Tellin' me all da thangs I wanna hear
A southern gentleman
Wit a touch o' hood, a dash o' heart, a heap o' soul
Somethin' so simple as his voice gets me goin'
Havin' me thinkin' to myself
Gotta big 'ole Kool-aid grin on my face
Wantin' to know his flava
Got me doin' thangs I wouldn't normally do
Putting words on paper to describe my feelings?
R u forreal?
"Just write what you feel"
Easier said than done, of course
Searching for adequate words to fill the blank space
..........................................................................................
Words cain't do justice to dis feelin'
I think of him and my being yearns for more
I hear dat phone ring; my heart does a back flip
Dat voice...OOO WEE!!!
Those three words.....(sigh)
Sweat comes and goes
For those deemed as 'temporary'
So easy to evaporate or simply wipe away
But that internal feelin' he gives me
Dat's what's up!
And he hasn't even touched me
Got me speakin' in another tongue
Wee, wee, wee!
Man, he killin' me!
And I'm lovin' it

Forget a picture. I want the real thing...

It's nice to finally be out of that college town. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel free. I sit at this screen, at my cousin's computer in a big pajama t-shirt trying to contemplate where exactly I am taking this. We shall see what comes out.

First and foremost, I teared up today around 10:00 when thinking about you taking that dip into the water. I was so happy and continue to be happy for you. I hope your day was beautiful and look forward to your call to tell me all about it. Congratulations!!!

I'm getting my hair braided tomorrow. I really am not not looking forward to sitting on a hard floor for many hours just to have my butt hurting, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do in order to have her stuff looking right. So, I must endure.

J is really enjoying down there in Mississippi. The girl is on Cloud 9, and I don't blame her. Her new man must be doing it right, because all I can hear is sheer happiness in her voice. It's nice to hear her in a good mood. She's also been telling me about the folks down there. It seems like a really genuine/laid back atmosphere; not what I'm really used to, but something I'd like to get to experience. Maybe one day.

She talked to W yesterday about me. He made a comment to her that really made me think. She basically said that he mentioned that I've been talking to him differently ever since I saw his picture, which disappointed him because he would hate to know that I'd prefer a man who looks good, but treats me like crap, over a man who might not be the 'pretty boy,' but treats me like a queen. He also told her that he thinks he's found his match (me).

Now, regarding his first statement, I don't consider myself to be that type of female who looks soley on looks. I don't, because clearly there have been guys that other females would swear up and down as being drop dead ugly, but I'd be attracted to them on a totally different level. So, I'm hoping that W is not thinking that that's what I'm about. But, for him to say that he thinks he's found his match?......I'm actually intrigued by that comment.

He told me yesterday that even if he doesn't see a picture of me, my voice is enough for him. Today, he told me that he's been having dreams with simply my voice being heard in a soft whisper. It's so.....soothing that my voice is enough and that he's not like other guys who will sit there and scope you up and down before trying to get to know you. He's different, and I like it.

On a side note...J saw that so called tall 'pretty boy.' She told me to lose the number because that boy is no where near pretty and on top of that, he has a girlfriend. How funny is that?! And when I heard that, I said, "Hallelujah! Thank you, Jesus!" Needless to say, I 'lost' that number from my phone.

Okay, now...I thank you for reading this because clearly I'm rambling, but I'm typing what's going on in my head.

I'm trying to figure out why I can't seem to think of something to say to him on the phone. We talk a bit, then it's silent. And we'll talk to each other about two or three times a day. And it'll be the same each time. And my thing is, I wonder what other people talk so much about. I mean, I've never been a phone person, but I'm beginning to realize that I'm going to have to be if I'm wanting to talk to him.

Oh yeah!!! So, he called me on the phone yesterday and D was in the car with him. D tells him to tell me hello and asks me a stupid question to which I tell W to let me speak to D. Yesterday was the first time I've spoken to D since about a month ago. And we talked as if nothing had ever happened. It was weird, in an eery kind of way, because you know that if two guys get together and if one has seen me and the other one hasn't, the question is going to come up about how I look and my concern is what D told him. I wonder if D has talked to him about me. If so, W sure isn't saying anything about it.

But, in all honesty, I'm glad about what happened between D and me. Because, W would not even be in the picture if we hadn't interacted. And I wouldn't be feeling blessed as I am right now.

I really want to see him. I want to experience his hug. This sounds strange, but he sounds like he gives good hugs-where you just sink into his arms and feel safe. I want to intertwine my fingers with his and just lay there in silence; being totally comfortable just being in his presence. I want to feel him. I want to hold him. I want to kiss him slowly and enjoy every second. But most of all, I want to be able to tell him how I feel. I want to open up to him and feel safe in knowing that the door won't be slammed in my face. I want...him.

Is this a never ending cycle-this emotional roller coaster? It's like a guy comes into the picture, and your hormones go absolutely crazy. And you tell yourself you won't allow yourself to feel that way for a while after things go wrong, but then somone else comes into the picture and you swear that the way he makes you feel is by far more incredible than what you've ever felt before. I just don't know.

I'm thinking too much; I think another poem is coming. Hmmmmm...

As always, I'll keep you updated...

Gotta love a fairytale...

So, I was talking on the phone last night to W. And it's still kind of weird talking to him because it seems like we don't have too much to talk about, yet we're trying to get there. He began to tell me that there is something that he wants to tell me that might upset me. He proceeded to say, "I feel that no one will ever understand me."

Now, the thing is, I couldn't figure out why he would think that would ever make me upset. Because in all honesty, I agree with him and apply his feeling to myself. Heck, I even feel that I will never completely understand me. Is that sad, or what?

He began telling me that he holds a lot of his emotions in and disguises some emotions as others to prevent himself from getting hurt. He admitted that it's not healthy, but he still tends to do that. And yet again, I understand him.

He seemed to be opening himself up to me, and I listened. That's all I did. I didn't respond too much. I just heard him out. And I felt special in knowing that he felt comfortable enough to share his feelings with me.

I really enjoy talking to him. Although I might not say too much because I still have to figure out what I'm actually feeling when I talk to him, I still enjoy just simply knowing that he's on the other end spending a part of his day sharing with me only.

He seems like a person who is good friend quality and potential mate quality. He seems like a sweet man with a big heart. His voice, his laugh, his words~HE makes me smile. And that's always a plus. I really don't know the extent of this. I don't know know what the future holds. But, I do know that I look forward to hearing his voice in the morning when he wakes up out of his slumber to simply give me a wake-up call and wish me a good day and when he calls me at night to wish me a good sleep.

Just based off a fuzzy picture, he might not fulfill the physical embodiment of my ideal mate. Actually meeting in person is really what needs to happen. But, in all honesty, I think he has what it takes to still be the Prince Charming who gets a Princess in the end.

Trust factor...

Right now. What am I feeling right now? I'm preparing you in advance; this is definitely going to be a blog without any kind of order~kind of like how I'm feeling right now.

Everything was fine. Life was good. I was happy with myself and all those around me. Then slowly, things began to change. I began to change. People around me began to change and I found myself living in total oblivion to the truth~ EVERYTHING IS NOT HOW IT APPEARS.

Last night, my world turned upside down and I began to see how silence for a prolonged period of time is in fact a form of lying. I mean, I always thought that it was in some sense, but it never hit home until now. And what really hurt is that my world was flipped by a person who I never would have expected: Jenee.

Jenee has been involved in a long-distance relationship for about six months. She actually went to visit her boyfriend for Spring Break. I remember joking around with my fellow virgin friend before her leaving about not giving up her cookies and reminded her that we were together in saving ourselves for marriage. All was well. A matter of fact, she came back after Spring Break with stories of some of the risque things they did; but actual sexual intercourse was never brought up. So, I was like, "Cool." Now, my cousin (Evette) was joking with me by saying, "Jenee went to visit that boy and slept with him." And I would defend Jenee by saying, "Nah. She wouldn't do that. She's still a virgin." I defended her...

It's so easy to defend someone when you 'think' you really know them. But then again, when or can you really know someone? I used to think you could. Basically, Jenee told me last night that she had sex with her boyfriend (every night she was there). And she was shocked that I didn't give her the angry reaction she expected. I was silent. I said, "Oh, okay." And she kept asking me to say something. But, I had nothing to say to her. I literally could not find one single word. So, my room was filled with silence until she got finished with her homework and finally left. And I sat there, empty.

I keep telling myself that this has nothing to do with me. Why am I taking this personal. I think it has to do with trust. It's already bad enough that my heart is hard as a rock, but when someone you've allowed to come in does something that is totally out of character, it makes me wonder. It makes me angry. It makes me cry. It gives me a headache. It makes me want to talk to someone, but then again not want to because of the trust factor.

I need to get away. And I'm thinking that the reason why things have been happening the way they have been is because I'm supposed to be feeling a sense of yearning for something more. Going across the ocean to another country in a couple of weeks for a good amount of time is much needed and I don't think it's coincidence. This is a divine appointment that has been predestined to occur for me. And the more I observe, the more I want to go.

Ya know, I actually feel like this is another test: "Are you going to follow through with what you've said or give up when it seems like all around you seems to be falling apart?" Now, don't mistake my feelings as being judgemental. That's not it. I'm not judging anyone's actions. I'm more so upset at not being told something that clearly has been something I've always been able to discuss. Just as with you, Jenee is one of those people I call and tell all the details when something happens, even if it gets really graphic, she knows. And for her to not feel like she could tell me (she withheld this for about two months!), it hurts.

My brain hurts. Way too much thinking has been going on. And I'm tired.

"To be nobody-but-yourself~ in a world that is trying to make you everybody else~means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting." -E.E. Cummings