I find it hard to say...

As I sit here at my desk, my 3-foot Christmas tree glistening to my left and the stereo playing Patti Labelle Christmas music, I find it hard to figure out what to write. It's like I'm at a loss for words. Everything is going well with me; it just seems like there is nothing that I feel is crucial to share. Life is life and I'm living it. But, since I know that will not suffice, I must write about something. So, I ask for your forgiveness beforehand because what you are about to read is nothing spectacular. Here it goes...

It was nice to have a week long Thanksgiving break, especially since the week before it seemed like the busiest week of my life. So, on that Friday night I decided to go to the apartment of a friend of a friend of mine; I had never met the guy. So, I walk up in this apartment and the guy that I don't know (Steve) has all kinds of alcoholic beverages sitting on his kitchen counter and he says, "Feel free to help yourself." So, me being the kind of girl that I am say, "Okay." And I start by taking a shot of something in a green bottle, and then pour myself a glass of wine.

You know how you tend to get warm when you start drinking? That's how I felt. I had to tell Steve to open up the window because I was truly feeling it. So there we are, a total of five us sitting there and we begin to play poker (although I really don't know how to play, I sure ended up winning quite a few games; nope, we didn't bet money). As we play, I end up getting up and taking a shot here and there and drinking some more wine. I didn't realize I could hold that much liquor. I drank an entire bottle of wine by myself in addition to about 6 shots I had!!! I truly was tipsy. Let me go on and admit it. I was drunk!

It's very interesting (that drunken feeling). It's like you're trying to tell yourself that you feel fine, that you have it all together, that it's just your mind playing games, but in reality you know that you drank too much, but you act as if you're normal. Does that make sense? It's like I'm in a play and in reality, I'm a drunken actress who has the role of playing a sober young lady. I didn't act completely crazy or anything, but clearly I was the only one who consumed too much to drink and I was laughing so much. Eugene told me that it's apparent that when I'm drunk I revert to childhood because as he drove me home, I was reading all of the road signs saying, "You see? I can read!!!"

I truly felt the after effects the next morning. I think I got that out of my system. I'm not looking forward to doing that again anytime soon. However, Eugene told me yesterday that Steve called him and asked when we all were going to come back to his place again because he wants us to come again really soon. So, who knows what this weekend might hold. Hopefully, if we go back over there, I'll act like I have some sense this time.

I went to Arkansas for the Thanksgiving break along with my family. It was nice to see my family, both close and extended. It's always nice to see my grandma (it's a blessing to have an elderly grandma who is in her right state of mind). It's so interesting to observe her children combing her hair and helping her get to the bathroom and assisting her in bathing. She absolutely hates that she's come to the point in her life that she has to rely on others. And I can't fathom how it feels to have those who you birthed and took care of for a large span of their lives to turn around and having them do the same things for you. It must be a humbling experience. I can only imagine.

Another thing that I was shocked about is how many of my cousins are not how I expected them to be. A few have stopped attending college and a couple of the young men actually have a child now, without being married. In some way, it kind of puts pressure on those who are actually pursuing a degree and are trying to live a straight and narrow life. I don't want to be another statistic. So, I have no choice but to keep my focus because I know I'll be mad at myself if I don't even live up to the standards I've set for myself.

So how's my love life, you ask? Well, it's the same. Nothing new. I told Eugene about the dinner discussion that Richard and I had, and Eugene tells me that Richard was using that as a test to see what my response would be. So, if that's the case, I failed that test. I also asked my cousin 'Evette' about the discussion, and she told me the same thing; it was a test. So she says that I need to stop playing games and just ask Richard if he's ever thought about us being more than friends and let the conversation flow from that. Do I really feel like doing that? NOPE! If it's meant to be, it will be.

Now, Richard did ask me before break if I was the bar type of girl because there are times that he goes to the bar and he wants to invite me to come along with the people that he goes with, but he always thinks that I would not have a good time, so he doesn't call me. I told him that I'm open to going with him and he should ask me next time and I'll give him an answer. He responded, "Excellent! I will ask you." And that was the end of that. So, we'll see if he'll ask me someday and I'll just have to see how I feel when he does choose to ask me in order to decide if I go or not. Don't you just love stubborn 'ole me? I know.

I think that's actually about everything that's going on with me. I actually wrote much more than I expected.

There's a special somebody's birthday in eight days. I'm so excited for her. I'm also happy at the fact that I actually still get to talk to her because there are so many people that do not talk to their close friends from high school. But, I'm grateful that I don't fall into that category when it comes to her. She is a blessing, whether she realizes it or not. And I thank God for her.

Keepin' it real...

Okay. So, where do I begin?........

I'll start with last Friday. I traveled along with the gospel choir to a statewide gospel conference. I was really reluctant in going because quite honestly, I was tired and did not feel like being bothered with people for an entire weekend. But, I pushed all that aside and went into the trip with an open mind.

The first night was a great time; a good speaker, some decent food, and some wonderful fellowship with not only my own choir members, but with members from other choirs too (including, let's call him, infamous Mr. Cornelius). By the way, he asked about my lovely friend Lee. I told him that she was well. He proceeded to say that he had seen Lee on television and was shocked with what he saw; needless to say, he had a jolly good time talking about Lee. But, I stuck up for my friend. That's what friends are for.

Let's get back on track here. On Saturday, I experienced a message that caused me to feel a way that I have never felt before. The speaker is well known for his controversial messages, and after listening, I can clearly see why. Although I agreed with his message in some regards, I was disturbed by his message also. It came to a point where I started to get a little upset because his message insinuates that as Christians, we have to prove our Christianity to fellow believers. I feel that my personal relationship with God is proof enough and just because I may listen to certain music artists, does not mean that I am any less of a Christian. The last time I checked, my God is a mighty God and because of my faith, He will not allow for the enemy to attack my spirit because it's not the devil's to attack - it's the Lord's. Jesus is my homeboy. He's got my back.

Now, don't get me wrong. I learned a lot from that message. I learned that I need to be more aware of what I allow to penetrate my mind by doing more research. I need to educate myself because there is no excuse for not knowing. So, I actually appreciate the speaker for speaking about what he did this past weekend. May God bless him.

I did more singing at that conference than what I had ever done before. I'm surprised that I did not lose my voice. And the awesome part is that on Sunday, the choirs were absolutely incredible. God's presence was truly in the atmosphere. It's so encouraging to see college students boldly glorifying God through song and giving Him praises through various forms of ministry and not be bashful about it. My soul was truly blessed.

My week has been really busy. It's like I have so much coming up that my mind seems to be getting cloudy. I hate it when it does that because I can feel the stress creeping up. Hopefully I can get that out of my system and be efficient in getting everything together.

So, today I ate at the dining hall with Mr. Richard. He tells me that he heard through a mutual associate of ours that she thought we were dating. Richard informed her that we were just friends. And as I sat there across from him as he laughed about it, I too said, "I can't believe she said that. Just because we hang out does not mean that something is going on." And the weird thing is, I didn't feel really bad about saying that. I learned a little bit more about Richard while eating and I can see that we would probably do much better as being friends than anything else. And I really think I'm cool with that. Of course, I might feel differently tomorrow, but I think I just need friends right now. I don't feel like having pressure and I definitely don't need it right now.

So, in spite of all the chaos in my life, I must say that I'm happy~boys or no boys, life will move on and I'll still be growing, which is most important. And I totally agree, I don't need to do anything because once a girl steps over the line and tries to be the initiator, she get's in trouble. I learned at the conference (well I was reminded) that it is the guy's job to pursue and the girl's job just to be pursued. A girl can't be pursued if she's on top of the guy; she's just in the way then. So, I'll just sit here and allow whoever is going to pursue me to get to working, 'cause I ain't doin' nothin' but sittin' here and keepin' it real. You feel me?

Butterflies...

So, I got on here to write something earlier. Clearly, I had nothing to write about because I've said everything already. However, as I pondered what to write because it's been a while, I received an IM from someone. It was Richard. He asked me what was going on and asked if I wanted to go to a cafe and study ("They have $1.00 off mochas for those who voted today!!!"). Seeing that I enjoy spending time with him and have been thinking about a way to spend more time with him without putting myself out there too much, I accepted the invitation.

As we walked the distance to the place, conversation was rather predictable: "How are you? How's school? How's the job treating you? Who'd you vote for? " Now, I knew this was coming, but I did not expect him to come out and straight up ask me like that. I responded by saying that I did not like discussing that issue and he's like, "Come on. Tell me." So, eventually he figures out who I voted for by asking round about questions. And of course, his vote was completely opposite from mine. But, we did not dwell on that. He said, "I think the candidate that I didn't vote for is going to win." And I said, "No, I think the person who you voted for is going to win." Then we both sat there and said, "I hope you're right." That was quite funny. As I sat there laughing, I began to think that I can get over his difference in political views; after all, everything can't be perfect.

So, while we sat there 'studying,' Richard kept on being his ADD type self. He cannot keep still or concentrate for too long worth anything! We talked about a lot of things in the short amount of time that we were there. While we're talking, he says, "You should come along on Monday night to a bar with me and some friends. Yep, you're coming." And I'm sitting there thinking, "Dang, do I even have a choice in this?" But I must say, I was happy that he invited me to go out next Monday. I told him that I'm writing it down in my planner and he said, "Do it." So, we shall see how that one will go.

While I keep getting the 'friend' vibe from him, I'm still wondering if something else could be there from his end. Because I know I'm feeling something else. As we walked back, some guy he knew from where he lives saw him and began to walk with us. So much for talking some more. Anyway, eventually I had to take a different path to go back to my place. As I said goodbye to the two of them, Richard said, "Wait a second. Give me a hug. We should do this again sometime." And I smiled and said, "Yeah, we should."

(Butterflies) I can't help it. So, I guess there's some progress. And I did not even have to initiate it. So, what's next????? Inquiring minds want to know. And I, myself, am the main one.