Anyone at the door?

So you want to hear from me, eh? Well, here goes nothing.

A few days ago, I actually got on here and wrote a blog. It was a brief one, and I wrote a poem on the spot, got to the end, and the computer shuts down...everything disappears just like that. And I, frustrated at the fact that I had spent the last hour in vain, got up from my chair, walked to my room, and went to bed. And I'm thinking to myself now, how this is a perfect analogy to many people's lives. We invest so much in something or someone, and all of a sudden things just fall apart, leaving us sitting there dumb-founded because we weren't expecting that one.

So, last week I receive this text message from a number that I don't recognize. It said: "A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man must be seeking the Lord to find it." And it was so weird to receive such a message at the time I got it, because it was much needed. After I did a little texting, I found out who the person was who had sent it to me (a person I haven't talked to in a long time) and I knew that I had received that for a reason. It's about time to get back to 'The Source.'

I think it was after receiving that message that my attitude about my current status started agitating me; in all honesty I had fallen victim of just accepting whatever came my way, instead of doing some serious screening to ensure that I only get the cream of the crop. And I'm tired of doing that.

I talked to J yesterday for the longest about her predicament with her having strong feelings for a guy from the past and 'talking' to a guy who she and I both know is only temporary because he doesn't fulfill her standards; he's just convenient. And we dissected the situation and she knew what she needed to do (cut him off). So she calls me about 1/2 hour ago and tells me she talked to him last night, and as I expected, he's pretty pissed off and basically said, "You're in love with that other guy. Whatever. (click)" And I feel bad for him, but I also feel bad for girls like J because I can relate to her.

I also talked to Joseph yesterday (an athlete from the past). And we talked for over an hour. That was absolutely shocking. And he was cool. We talked about old times and laughed like two old people talking about their childhoods. And he was like, "You know we're getting married. We would be together right now, but I know I'm not where I need to be in order to be with you. I'm giving you your space to be successful and do what you need to do before coming at you any kind of way. When you're established and I'm at that point, that's when the timing will be rignt and we'll be able to be together." And I thought about that. I wasn't even upset by what he said, because he was coming at me honestly. And I respect him for that. Eventhough I don't see us ever getting married, it's nice to know that someone thinks of you in that way with some type of goal.

I did tell him that he needed to take me out on a proper date this year and has to initiate everything. He has to plan and execute. And he tells me that he has never been on a 'date' and doesn't know how to go about doing that, to which I respond that we'll learn together. And he agreed to it (eventhough he still has to follow through before I'm really impressed). But the whole thing is that there is beauty in two people who are willing to learn together. That's what a relationship should be about. So, he's going to church on Sunday (at least that's what he says) and so am I. We're supposed to share the sermon messages that we heard via telephone. And if that actually happens, man, I'd be absolutely amazed.

W is fine I suppose. I still haven't really talked to him, but I did tell J that I've cut him off, eventhough he doesn't know it. She has talked to him and has asked him when was the last time he had talked to me and he told her that he hasn't had the time to do so, which shocked J. So, that in itself lets me know that clearly, he's not even worth my time. But, I knew that already.

It's time to wake up and smell the coffee and realize that I'm not asking for the impossible. I'm asking for what is due. And I'm just fine with waiting for the proper package to show up on my doorstep.

Just another day...

It's been a while. But it's time to write again. The dream world is long gone, and now it's time for reality. Time to write every feeling that's within; it's so much easier to write on here rather than writing in a journal because there's always that fear that someone will pick up the journal and read it. On here, I find it easier to just write and not have to worry about censuring my emotions. I just write what I feel, press 'Publish,' then walk away.

I haven't written since I've been back because I couldn't figure out what exactly I wanted to write. Of course, I could write about how much I learned while across the ocean and the wonderful experience I had. But, that would be typical; I'll probably post some journal entries eventually of the most 'inspirational' entries I wrote while away; but not today. Today, I'll write about the 'typical' guy issues, like before. Some things never change...

Yesterday, I talked to Moore on the phone for an hour (like always, time just flies by when talking to him; and we talk the entire time which always amazes me). We talked, laughed, and joked around just like old times. And I was satisfied with every second I spent talking to him. I know it sucks, but I miss him. And the more he talks about other females and how he feels about them, the more I wish I knew if he ever felt anything for me and if there is even a chance for us to develop something in the future. Yeah, it stinks to be holding on to something when clearly it's not even on the mind of the other person. And still, I can't bring up the subject to him.

And what's going on with W? Well, we've talked on the phone everyday since I've been back. We still haven't had a long conversation; either someone calls and one of us has to get off the phone or it's so late that one of us is too tired. But when we do talk, it just seems so.....empty. It's like, I know he's attracted to me on some level, and he knows I feel the same about him. But, we continue to sit there. Yesterday, he actually talked on the phone to my mother a bit (she was standing next to me and he told me to give her the phone). He just spoke and asked how her day was and that was it. But still, I felt a little weird. Especially when my father has been drilling me up and down about him. And he made the most stereotypical comment but it turned out to be true when asking about W. This is what makes me even more apprehensive. And I told W that my dad has been asking about him, and it doesn't even seem to phase W one bit.

I'm just waiting. Waiting to see what this upcoming year holds; it's the same each year. I always say, "This year is going to be different and I'm going to experience a lot-there's going to be a lot of growing/learning." And in some aspects I do learn a lot, but in others I feel the exact same way afterwards as I did before~confused.

So yeah. That's all that is really going on him my head right now. I'm sure I'll have more to write about in a few days after I come back from a short trip with my dad; nice father/daughter bonding time. We shall see what the road conversation will consist of and how much he'll make me squirm with his inqusitive remarks. Gotta love him.

Until next time...