Breaking the silence...

Yes, I'm mailing him this one.

Te Quiero y Te Echo De Menos …

It’s been a while
Although it’s only been about a month
It feels like a year’s passed
It’s true what they say
(At least for me, pertaining to you)
Absence makes the heart grow fonder

In the beginning
When I decided to separate myself from you
It was for me
My emotions were getting the best of me
Developing even deeper feelings
For an individual who was investing time
With other females who were becoming attached on all levels
It was weird for me
I began to feel how a ‘lover’ should feel
Not feeling like a friend who happens to be a girl
And I felt that wasn’t fair to me, to you, or to your “Shawties”
Detesting the idea of “A List”
’Cause I know I’m worth much more
Than a mental line or a category that you’ve created
That can be erased at any given moment
Just depending on how you happen to feel at the time
So, I unplugged the cord…….at least for that season

But as time passed
I used the time as a period for you
To give you time to clear your mind
Whether that happened…only God knows
He heard my prayers for you
As I awoke in the morning
And dozed off at night
Whether He answered them…that’s up to Him
For He truly knows what you need
I only ask that His will be done through you
And that you allow Him to use you

I have learned a lot during this time
But the greatest is the concept of grace
(As I remember us discussing once before)
It’s absolutely profound…not to be rationalized
And each time I think of it
Tears seem to well up in my eyes
The human mind is not even designed
To fully grasp the concept
But I do know, that I sure am thankful for it

You might not understand how someone can care for you and trust you
In spite of yourself
But again, it’s not meant to be understood
Just let your faith accept if for you
I’ve told you before that I’m thankful for you, but I’ll say it again anyway
Why?
Just because
And it’s true
As I write this while of sound mind, body, and spirit…I love you and I miss you.

Pillow Talk...

So, it's late, and I realize that. Seeing that I'm a bit tired, but not wanting to really hit the sheets yet, I've decided to write a bit. So here it goes...

I miss him. I miss him a lot. It's true that "absence makes the heart grow fonder." And I've been recently finding myself counting down the days to simply send him a text that says, "Merry Christmas, Moore." I was a bit concerned about him not even thinking about me throughout this time of distance that I initiated. But, Jenee reassured me that he does atleast ask if I'm still alive and well, whenever he does briefly talk to her. So, that makes me feel a bit better.

Yes, I've gotten used to not talking to him now. And I know that whenever I do decide to call him (after the New Year, of course), things will be different. A month of my life, which has been incredibly interesting, will have passed, and I can only imagine what he's done during the time. Do I really want to know though?

I'm beginning to see how much I desire information, even it does bruise my heart. Would it be better to be oblivious to everything and just be plain ignorant, thinking that things are just absolutely fantastic, when in reality things are downright awful?

At one point in my life, I would've told you, "No, I wouldn't want to know anything." But, with time and with dealing with person after person, the optimist has dissipated and a realist has evolved. I have to keep it real, or else I get lost and my head gets all souped up over something that never was. And that's not fair to me.

So, stab me for all I care. Don't attempt to numb reality with nice words and gestures. Be real. 'Cause I've come to the point where I'm not wanting to sugarcoat anything. So why should anyone else for me?

There's this guy that asked me for my number through our 'wonderful friend,' Facebook. And I gave it to him, because I knew him from the past. So, he calls me for a couple of days (no phone call today though) and he tells me that he wants to know everything about me. And I'm thinking, "That's straight bull." I know where this is leading. And just as I thought, the question comes up of how sexually active I am, if at all, and if I'm one of those 'technical virgins.'

Now, to be quite honest, I was offended by this being asked. But, like I said, I expected it. And from talking to him, I began to realize that I'm not at a point where I want to talk to anyone. It's just too much. Especially when the person on the other end says he's just "kickin' it" for now and not looking for a relationship; he wants to be my friend. Not that "friend" crap again. I've heard that one before and clearly, for some people, being friends entails doing some non-friend-like things.

A wise person once told me, "Do not travel down the same road twice." And while she might have been referring to dealing with the same person again, I'm going to take a different spin on it. I'm going to relate it to traveling down the same scenario, even if it is with different person(s). So, really I'm not looking forward to that guy calling my again, or for that matter, any guy wanting to pursue a physical relationship prior to a true intellectual/emotional/spiritual relationship with me.

And it always points back to Moore. He is the only guy that I have had the intellectual/emotional/spiritual connection with, without one single ounce of physical stimulation. I understand him. And I honestly believe that he understands me, eventhough I can be confusing as hell sometimes. It'll have been four weeks, this upcoming Friday, since I've heard his voice. And I miss it. Damn! I'll even settle for his voicemail right now. But...I'll wait.

I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. And that's real talk. Enough of this sappy stuff. I'm calling it a night. Sweet dreams...