"What are you doing here?"

You made me cry. Thank you for your prayers. I fasted for 24 hours and I can say that I am feeling better. I'm not completely right (I know that I still have to follow through with some things in order for me to feel content). But, I am feeling better.

My dad sent me an email yesterday that said, "Your scripture for the day: I Kings 19:9-18, Call me later and I'll explain....Love you, Dad" When I read that, I cried and I hadn't even opened my bible yet. I went straight to the Word and made my way through the verses as tears continued to flow from my eyes. God was clearly talking to me through that. I'm sure you'll read the scripture, but I'll still give a synopsis of the story.

So, the prophet Elijah was a well known prophet; he had done so many things in the name of the Lord (slaughtered many who were worshipping the false idol, Baal). But yet, there was one person who totally frightened Elijah. Her name (yes, she was a woman) was Jezebel. Jezebel was known for killing those who claimed to be prophets and she made it known that Elijah was her next victim. And Elijah ran.....

Now, Elijah was in a clear state of depression. He constantly slept so he wouldn't have to address his situation, and God kept having to wake Elijah up, commanding him to eat because he had to gain strength for the great journey before him. So, Elijah would eat, but then he would roll right back over and go to sleep. And God continued trying to get him to eat and go on with his journey.

Eventually God came right out and asked. "What are you doing here, Elijah?" This question was to get Elijah to examine why he was in the depression that he had fallen into. And Elijah answers God by telling Him that he has been on fire for the Lord and has done everything for Him, but people continue to do what is wrong, and he is scared for his life and feels all alone. And the Lord responds by telling Elijah to go to the top of a mountain. Clearly, God was about to set up a demonstration for Elijah, but Elijah was so caught up in his situation that he did not see the big picture.

So, at the mountain top there was a powerful wind that shattered the mountains, and earthquake, and a fire, but in all these occurences God's presence was not there. Then after the fire, the Lord speaks to Elijah in a soft whisper, "What are you doing here, Elijah?" Now, I interpret this as God trying to give Elijah the opportunity to change his previous answer. But again, Elijah doesn't get what God is trying to do and replies with the same answer. After that, God instructs Elijah to go and anoint various people to continue his divine plan.

So, what does all this mean? My dad basically told me that there is no reason for me to be feeling what I'm feeling. God has created me to be a strong individual and He's testing me right now to see if I am going to do what He is wanting me to do. I have been put in the situation I'm in for a reason, and instead of being depressed about it, He wants to me get up off my butt and do something about it. If I don't do it, God will more than likely give up on me and use someone else to complete His will.

I know how Elijah felt. I know how it feels to be scared of something so petty (I can't imagine having had killed many people in the name of the Lord and be scared that a measly woman will take my life.), but I know how if feels to be scared of what people will think and say. Yet, my God is supreme and I know He has my back. So, I'm continuing to ask God to give me the courage and the words.

I too had a discussion yesterday with someone I have not talked to in a while and she reinforced everything that I had heard from my parents' mouths. "Once you speak up, you'll feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. You'll also realize that there are more people in your corner than you actually think." And she said it word for word how my parents said it the night before. I knew God was speaking to me. And I asked God to give me one more sign.....

At choir rehearsal last night, I had an absolutely marvelous time. We haven't had rehearsal in a while and just being in the same room with fellow Christians who love singing praises to God gives my soul such a renewal on every occasion. I thank God for that. The entire time, I was waiting for some type of word from Him, but I still hadn't gotten it. The songs were uplifting, but it wasn't what I was looking for. After rehearsal we had a meeting, and scripture was read.

I Thessalonians 4:9
Now about brotherliy love we do not need to write to you, for you yourselves have been taught by God to love each other....

The entire book of I Thessalonians is actually really encouraging. God is trying to show me that I just need to continue doing what I'm doing, just do it more. Love unconditionally. It's not hurting anyone, it's just spreading the light of Jesus as He desires. And I never thought that loving people would hurt so much. I just think it hurts when it's not returned. So, I'm praying harder than I've ever prayed before. "Lord, give me the words to express how I feel to those who I find so intimidating."

I can't wait to see you. It's been so long. It's been too long. And I feel closer to you now than I've ever felt before. You are not only my friend, you are the sister that I never had the opportunity to have. I love you for being you. And I encourage you.

I Thessalonians 5:9-11
For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Thank you.

Just for you...

Normally, I'd be sitting in my bed, trying to read some kind of homework material, but ulitmately dosing off. However, I've decided to take a brief moment to give you a little satisfaction in knowing what I'm presently feeling. Right now, I'm tired. That's what I am-tired and sleepy.

I'm tired in both the physical and emotional sense. Eugene finally came back today. However, it is very unlikely that he will be enrolling at the University. It just doesn't make any sense to me because he has waited until the last minute to do anything, which causes me to believe that he's known that he was going to do this for a while and has just been running from reality. To top it all off, our little social circle has been getting different bits and pieces of information from him and other people, so we ultimately have to come to each other to put the pieces together and try to develop some kind of story for him because he won't come straight out and say that he's struggling. There goes the pride of a male for you. And I think he's getting kind of agitated with me because I'm not being really considerate to his attempts to get us all together to "do it big" (hang out). I'm just tired of him running and want him to face reality, which I think is my reason for brushing him off so much. He's my friend and I don't want him to feel that he has to cover up his true emotions just to appear like everything is fine. I think we're going to have to have another talk.

The piano man and I grabbed a sub sandwich today and ate together in my room for dinner. It's so weird with him, because I can talk to him about absolutely anything, and it goes both ways. For instance, I go to his room and ask him for toilet tissue because I'm about to do number two and he willingly gives it to me and inquires about it. It's so funny and real. I like the reality of our friendship and I feel secure when I'm around him. He makes me smile and I don't have to worry about what's on his mind because he tells it like it is. I might not always like what he has to say, but there is no hiding, because there's nothing to hide. He's spiritually alive and stimulating to the mind. We've gone to church together in the past and have vowed to go to church together on Sundays as long as we have no other obligations. I can actually sit next to him in church as we both sing, pray, and enjoy worshipping our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It's incredible and as I sit here typing, I'm beginning to see just how surreal it is. I guess you can say he's the full package. Man, I've never said that one before...

Hmmmmm.....that's all I can say right now, because to tell you the truth, I'm at a lost for words. And as I said earlier, I'm sleepy. I guess I'll end it with some lyrics to a song that came to mind from Miss India Arie.

"Cause he is the truth. Said he is so real. And I love the way that he makes me feel. And if I am a reflection of him, then I must be fly because his light, it shines so bright. I wouldn't lie..."

Headache (cont.)...

So, Richard calls me up about ten minutes before we're supposed to meet up at the pool bar and tells me that "we're" (who does 'we' entail?) going to stay in and not go out because the roads are bad (it's snowing). He continues to ask me if I'm going and if it were okay with me if he didn't come and assures me that we should try to do it again sometime. I tell him that it's fine and wish him a good night indoors while I continue to still follow through with my plans.

About thirty minutes later I'm online and he IMs me asking me if I'm still going out and I tell him yeah. He then tells me that I really should stay in because of the weather, and I tell him it's fine and that I'm still going to go out with my friends. He then asks me will I still play pool with him sometime. And I tell him, "maybe." Apparently I hurt his feelings on that one and I told him 'maybe' does not mean no. And he responded that 'maybe' does not mean yes either. And I responded in agreement with that. I proceed to tell him that I might even spend the night at someone else's house just to fool with his head and he questions whose house would I spend the night at. And I continue to make comments that'll cause some pondering on his end. But in the end I tell him that I'm just kidding around and then say, "Or am I?" It's kind of fun to play games, eventhough I really hate them. So, eventually he says that he's going to bed early and tells me to have fun and be safe. And I tell him that I will.

Well, I ended up going out with three friends of mine. We ended up just driving around town, stopping by a drive thru for some chicken nuggets that my one friend was craving, then we went to a type of sports bar and hung out a bit and laughed a lot. Although the weather was not all that great, the comfortable atmosphere kept me warm. All in all, I had a decent evening and it momentarily kept my mind off of the opposite sex.

I have a feeling that it's not over (a conversation is probably going to have to be had because clearly, Richard is probably content with the way things are going, feels that everything fine- that there is no problem, and considers it okay to just keep me around for hanging out whenever he's not investing any time or energy on other females). Maybe I just need to stop making assumptions. I guess I really just need to hear his side, if I'll ever have the chance to get that opportunity to be one-on-one.

Headache...

My head hurts. Not in the actual physical sense, but in the 'there is too much thinking going on' sense. This whole Richard thing is getting to me, and I'm about to say "Time's up. Gotta move on!!!"

Last night I was invited over to his place. Also there were his guy friend whom I know, and his ex-girlfriend. Yes, I said ex-girlfriend; the one whom he once told me "We're just friends." Now, of course I didn't say too much the entire night. I was too busy observing. To tell you the truth, I wish I were not the type to analyze everything. It makes me sick to my stomach.

First of all, I think the two are more than "just friends." If he's feeling that way, I don't think she is. Girls have a way of reading other females, and I'm reading something contrary to friendship. You know when girls say things in subtle ways to portray a hidden message without blatently saying it; whether this is conciously or sub-consciously? Well, this girl was all about making sure that it was known that she knew where everything was in his room (even stuff in drawers), what type of files are on his computer, and how he responds to all the situations that they've encountered together. I don't know about anyone else, but the relationships that I have with my guy friends are strictly friendly. I might know some secrets and things, but I make it a point to keep everything strictly 'friendly.' And then again, I must accept that they have been romantically involved, more than likely even sexually involved (there's definitely some kind of sexual tension in the air).

So anyway, as the night progresses with us playing various games, the ex proceeds to dose off on the couch. Richard is sitting in the middle on the couch while I sit on the other side of him. Richard begins to playfully mess my hair up (which kind of annoys me), rubbing on my back and shoulders, poking me in my side, and putting his arm around me. Now, this is really awkward for me because the girl is in the same room with me, and there is his guy friend and another guy friend who came over later sitting across from us. And I'm thinking, "Dang, what am I doing here? Clearly, I'm a minority in this group." And I can't help but wonder what is everyone else thinking.

The night ends with myself and the other two guys leaving around 1:00 in the morning, and the ex left behind sleeping on the couch. Richard said that he'd wake her up as we left. He gives me one of those lingering hugs and says that he's glad that I came over and hopes that I enjoyed myself. And I'm like, "Yeah, I had a great time. Thanks."

This morning I go to see him while he's at work and he again asks if I enjoyed myself and asked if I bored him because he didn't want to seem like he was wasting my time. I told him that I had a nice time and that no, he didn't waste my time. And he responds, "Good."

Early this afternoon, I was talking to some friends of mine and we decided that we wanted to go out tonight and play some pool or something. One of my friends suggested that I invite Richard. And I took his advice and asked him. Richard responded that he didn't have any money to go out because he's trying to save it to pay his bills. I don't know why I did this, but I told him that I'd cover him this time. And he's like, "Really? Thanks buddy!" Then he says, "Can I invite the ex (he really said her name) and my other guy friend (the same one from last night that I too know)?" My guy friend tells me that I should tell him to invite them because he wants to be able to feel out Richard's ex to see what's really going on. I love my friends. So, I went on ahead and told him, "Sure."

Tonight, I went to the dining hall with the same guy friend and as we're sitting there joking around and laughing, guess who walks into the dining hall.....Richard and his ex. He waves in my direction and I wave back. Apparently as a girl from another table came up to my table and started talking to me, Richard was coming from the side (in my blind spot) and attempted to say something to me, but I was so distracted talking to the girl that I didn't see him, so he left (my guy friend brought this to my attention and said he felt bad for Richard). I felt bad too, but only for a moment.

When I came back to my room I went to a girl's room who is a mutual acquaintance of Richard and me. Since she's a girl and I'm around her more, I'm closer to her. I had to get the scoop and she tells me that when I initially told her that I was interested in Richard, she was kind of apprehensive, because Richard is not the type of guy to get serious about girls. He's basically a womanizer and goes through women fast (I'm talking about sex here). She thinks that I'm too mature for him and that we want totally different things. And I agreed with her totally.

I figured that this would turn out like this. I knew that we were on two completely different levels, and I disregarded the signals because I had some hope. But, I think that's gone now. I told my guy friend about it, and he told me that I should not go by what someone else says, but that I should see for myself and then develop a judgment. I can see where he's coming from, but I can also see the reality in that if something is meant to be, it's going to be clear as day. There will be no gray areas. There is no confusion, but rather communication. And believe me, communication is out of the question for this one. He's just not ready. And I can't change that.

So, we'll see what later tonight holds and hopefully there will be no awkwardness. I'm intending to have a good time, with the people that make me happy. There's no holding back tonight. What is there to lose? I can't lose my mind, because clearly, I've already lost it.

Best (Wo)man...

So, Eugene calls me up today and tells me, "I'm ready to make that step." I'm like, "Okay....What are you talking about?" He replies, "I'm ready to propose to my girlfriend. I'm planning on doing it in a couple of months. It's basically going to be a long engagement period though, that's if she says yes, which I believe she will." And then there is just silence. Eugene then says, "Hey, are you there? Why are you so quiet?"

As I sat there, trying to find the words to say, there was nothing that I really wanted to say to him. I just said, "Eugene, the choice is yours. Whatever I say should not dictate your actions. So, I'd rather not say anything." And of course, him being how he is, he basically begs me to tell him what's on my mind because he just knows that I have so much to say.

I then try to choose my words carefully and tell him how I feel. I essentially say that I feel that he is making a rushed decision and the fact that his girlfriend is only in her first year of college does not help. I tell him that he needs to make sure that the proposal is not out of selfishness (a way of him trying to have a sense of security). I tell him, if anything, he needs to be focusing on graduating and becoming financially stable. And of course, he's defending himself to me the entire time, which I respond by saying that he does not have to defend himself to me. After a little more silence, a few words here and there, and a little probing on his part, I end up telling him that I'll support him no matter what; the choice is his.

After he jokingly mocks me, as he always does because he feels that he knows me so well (a lot of time he is correct, I admit, but it's still annoying), he tells, as he has before, that I'm his best friend. He then says that if it were normal, he would choose me as his 'Best Man' and that he thanks me for being supportive of him.

As always, I'm a little puzzled at the randomness of all this. I'm also puzzled that I have nothing more to say about it. I guess after a while of not having control, when more stuff that seems out of the ordinary comes to light, the easier it is to just let it roll off your shoulders. If I can't control it, why be stressed about it? I must keep reminding myself to just go with the flow. Maybe the grass is greener on the other side.

Psalm 130:5-6 (NIV)
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope. My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.

A watched pot never boils...

I finished that romance novel about a week ago. It was pretty good. The main character reminded me a lot of myself, except she was way more aggressive when it came to pursuing a person of the opposite sex. And girlfriend sure did get her man in the end. I have to give her her props on that one. The title of this blog is a line that I took away from the book (apparently it's a saying that old folks use).

While the saying insinuates that when an individual has expectations, nothing ever results, I have an issue with it. Yeah, it's true when it comes to actually cooking that water never seems to boil rapidly while you're staring down at it, waiting. It always seems to happen when your back is turned-unexpectantly. This too applies to relationships. When you're sitting there waiting for someone to come into the picture, or better yet, waiting for a phone call or any other form of recognition from that special someone, it never seems to fail that time is never on your side.

But my question is: "If you don't look at the water, how do you know if it is boiling?" True, having expectations will set you up for disappointment, but if you don't have expectations, how will you be able to distinguish between trash and treasure? In a way, if you think about it, 'expectations' can be considered synonymous with 'standards.'

After just having a good long telephone conversation (something that I have not had in a long time) with a very close friend of mine, I realized that it's okay for me to feel the way that I feel when it comes to this whole ordeal. Now, me being how I am, I was trying to defend him (Richard); I was saying, "Well maybe he's just busy. No one ever responds to an emailed holiday card." Eugene told me that I was over analyzing and that everything would be fine-"Most people, especially boys, don't respond to those things." But then again, there is a thing called common courtesy. Especially after I've spilled my guts to him. The least he could do is give me some kind of response. A simple, "Just emailed/called you to say hey" would have sufficed. Or would it have really?

Knowing me, I probably would have wanted to know how he is really feeling; wondering if I altered his way of thinking by what I said to him. Because that's how I'm feeling now. I just want to be able to sit and talk to him, one-on-one (not via computer or phone). I want to be able to see not only how he'll respond to the subject when in the same room with me, but how I'll respond as well. I want to know, better yet, I want closure. Is that so much to ask?

This whole, "Stop analyzing!" is really difficult, not because that's what's 'normal' for a 'typical female' to do, but because that's just normal for me, period. So, you know what? You're just going to have to spare me. I can't help myself. Excuse me if I just happen to take a peek at the pot.